Okay. I don't want to obsess, give too much energy to or distract from things that I need to get done or not be present in my life. The problem is that I have this build-up of anger inside of me at this point- most recently towards my most recent ex, who played with my heart, gave me a lot of false hope, violated my boundaries and messed with my head. Got me when I was vulnerable and pretended to be a gentleman- used me for sex more likely than not- and rejected me as if I was a penny it's not worth the time to pick up when I'm quite sure that he was the one who begged for rejection. The sadness, confusion and hurt has turned to anger and it's distracting me. I want it gone. I had a dream the other night where I was wrapping the false sense of security and false love that he had given me in an empty box with all kinds of wrapping paper, for hours it seemed. Christmas paper, birthday paper, all of the holidays he had celebrated with me as my new "family". I then spent hours tying rocks to the package, then wrapped it in his dumb sweater that I have right here that I need to destroy somehow today, and I took a raft to the middle of the lake and dropped it in the deepest part, thinking "No one will know it's here. No one will ever find it." Is it my wounded pride? At first I thought my subconscious was trying to rid me of negative feelings, like an exorcism, and when I told my therapist the dream she told me that it sounded more like my subconscious was trying to bury my anger and hurt. I watch demolition videos with glee lately. I get secret thrills watching youtube videos of tornados, then feel almost guilty afterwards. I don't want to see anyone get hurt- I want to see destruction. Smash plates. Fucking scream. He thought I was so beautiful when I was sad, and so unfeminine when I would show even a little anger about anything. My therapist also said that if you squash down the beast, it becomes more powerful. The ANGER BEAST. So what do I do to this goddamn sweater that won't make me feel like a psycho? Give it to a bum? Burn it and mail it to the Ganges? Pull it apart, thread by thread? I thought about cutting it up and gluing it to a canvas to write "Everything you never gave me".
Thoughts? My therapist tried to tell me not to feel guilty about feeling angry- she said that I could feel the emotion and let it pass through me, observing it Buddhist-style. I feel more the need to express it somehow. I don't think that observing it is enough. But I don't want to feed it. I want it to go away.