Well...life seems to be getting more and more complicated the more it progresses. Now at 33 I am facing something I never thought I would. I have had lots of friends and family members do it. But I was always the "good Christian girl". I didn't judge them for it but secretly felt superior because I was married and kept all my babies. Well my divorce is pending and I am single with three and there is no way I want to raise another baby right now! Alone or with the father! So I have made my decision! I have been trying to do an herbal abortion for about a week but with no results so far. I hope it works. But if it doesn't I made an appointment at the clinic for next week. But just yesterday I started feeling its spirit. And started feeling awful. I lost my baby 8 months ago. This was with the same father and I had mixed feelings than. The pregnancy was so hard I was so stressed out! The baby died at 8 months preg and was born still born. I am so scared to have to go through that again! But I am feeling the spirit talking to me wanting me and I am having to say no! And I was so yes! in the past. So open. Now I am becoming closed. It scares me. I don't want to be hard. I feel like a horrible mother! I do want another baby, just not in this situation. I pray I will be able to have another baby when the time is right. I pray I will be able to forgive myself. Keeping this huge secret from the dad is hard but I know he will do everything to convince me to keep it and he will be so hurt. So I have to keep it to myself. I am praying this life will pass on to another who is more able and ready to receive at this time. I am glad to have this experience because I share it with so many other woman, but it is very hard when half of me wants its life above all else, and the other half wants my life and the lives of my other children who are not even very old yet. And I already know how hard it is to share children with a man. How hard it is to support them and give to them and how much I have to sacrifice. I know what I have to do. And I have to do it with love and forgiveness. I have to do it with eyes wide open. I have to sacrifice life that could be for life that is. May God forgive me and bless this life and keep the spirit safe and let it know it is loved even by me.