Confessions

eden.mom's picture

Well...life seems to be getting more and more complicated the more it progresses. Now at 33 I am facing something I never thought I would. I have had lots of friends and family members do it. But I was always the "good Christian girl". I didn't judge them for it but secretly felt superior because I was married and kept all my babies. Well my divorce is pending and I am single with three and there is no way I want to raise another baby right now! Alone or with the father! So I have made my decision! I have been trying to do an herbal abortion for about a week but with no results so far. I hope it works. But if it doesn't I made an appointment at the clinic for next week. But just yesterday I started feeling its spirit. And started feeling awful. I lost my baby 8 months ago. This was with the same father and I had mixed feelings than. The pregnancy was so hard I was so stressed out! The baby died at 8 months preg and was born still born. I am so scared to have to go through that again! But I am feeling the spirit talking to me wanting me and I am having to say no! And I was so yes! in the past. So open. Now I am becoming closed. It scares me. I don't want to be hard. I feel like a horrible mother! I do want another baby, just not in this situation. I pray I will be able to have another baby when the time is right. I pray I will be able to forgive myself. Keeping this huge secret from the dad is hard but I know he will do everything to convince me to keep it and he will be so hurt. So I have to keep it to myself. I am praying this life will pass on to another who is more able and ready to receive at this time. I am glad to have this experience because I share it with so many other woman, but it is very hard when half of me wants its life above all else, and the other half wants my life and the lives of my other children who are not even very old yet. And I already know how hard it is to share children with a man. How hard it is to support them and give to them and how much I have to sacrifice. I know what I have to do. And I have to do it with love and forgiveness. I have to do it with eyes wide open. I have to sacrifice life that could be for life that is. May God forgive me and bless this life and keep the spirit safe and let it know it is loved even by me.

Comments

sunflower's picture
Submitted by sunflower on

It is really easy to be judgmental about other people who make the decision to have an abortion, until you find yourself in the position where it seems like the right thing to do for you. No one makes the decision lightly.

I disagree with the other commenter. I think the "spirit" you hear is the condemnation you have been trained to think about women in your situation, not your doubts about what you are doing. But, neither of us know you, and it is most likely a combination of both, with a lot of fear thrown in.

I also have to say I am not a fan of herbal abortions. I worked in the herb / natural medicine industry for a long time, and I don't support using herbs to induce abortion. I know a few people who have tried and have been unsuccessful, but may have partially damaged a pregnancy. Especially considering your history with your stillbirth, which sounds terrible, and I am so sorry, I would definitely opt for a safe, proven procedure. I think somehow people think herbal abortions are more moral for some reason, but I strongly disagree. I do not think they are effective or safe. I think it is much more safe to have a medical or surgical abortion.

Here is a workbook to help you sort out your feelings about the choice you are making, which will most likely be more helpful than advice from people you don't know. Here is an emotional and spiritual guide to healing after an abortion, if you do decide to get one.

I am really sorry about your situation. As someone who is going through a divorce, I would never casually tell someone to bring a new baby into that situation, and that it will somehow just work out. It is hard enough for me to be going through it with two older kids, it is hard enough to have a newborn even with a supportive partner, and it is hard enough to have four kids without being a single mother. You don't need to do it if you know it would be the wrong decision for you and your already existing children.

Good luck and try to go easy on yourself, no matter what you choose to do.

Sunflower the unflower

Mom's Tinfoil Hat
Foodie loves Picky

huck's picture
Submitted by huck on

oh mama, i know how hard it is to be in your position.

a few years ago, when i had two daughters under three years old, i became pregnant. even though i wanted another child, even though i knew it was my destiny to have another child, even though i was in a committed, supportive marriage... it was not the right time for this baby to come into the world.

it was the hardest decision to make.

it is one thing to think about the right for women to choose, and a whole other story when you are in the position to make the choice.

it broke my heart, but it was the right choice for me and my family. you are making this choice for the children you have, as well as for yourself. you are choosing to be there for them.

i remember feeling conflicted and talking with the growing spirit. i was able to make peace.

it was a physically taxing process.

and after time i was back to normal.

a year later i became pregnant again. we were much more prepared at that time, and now i am the proud mother of three daughters.

you can make the best choice for yourself. please find a supportive (girl)friend to help you and to hold your hand.

denessasma's picture
Submitted by denessasma on

alot of us have been there, as have i. My best advice is once u decide do it as soon as is humanly possible. If at all possible, if u have a regular physician and can have it performed by ur doc as out-patient i highly reccomend that route. Much love and healing remember, this is the best decision for you, and for that soul. peace for you mama

Jessica
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind~~Dr.Seuss

ascedarleaf's picture

I too have been faced with this kind of decision. In my case I was young and dumb and full of cum...literally. I realized that I couldn't saddle a child with the father I had made the mistake of getting pregnant with. Despite wanting the child(ren) I couldn't justify satisfying my needs at the cost of the child. I don't really see this as your situation but I guess the best you can do here is doing the best for the child. I wish you a speedy decision and then peace with it once it is made.

The heart has its reasons whereof Reason knows nothing.
- Blaise Pascal

Glamorous's picture
Submitted by Glamorous on

almost like a composite of points of view. I also notice that eden.mom has not responded to any of the comments.

Glamorous

Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. ~Austin O'Malley