blues today

mamanopajamas's picture

i have a friend, Don, who was a father figure, mentor, pal, etc who has a brain tumor. he might make it to his next birthday this summer. he might not.

our neighbor just lost his battle with a different type of brain tumor after his birthday right before mother's day. Danny went fast when he deteriorated & we didn't get to say goodbye. we didn't know the last time we saw him it would be the last time.

my mother died of the same type of tumor Don has. i cared for her 24/7 during radiation & chemo & 8 months of hell. she was not a good mother & when she got sick she was a worse mother. i actually had to stop caring for her because she was emotionally abusive and psychologically destructive. i saw her again the week she died, a little more than a month before my son was born. we had not spoken in the 9 months i was pregnant.

don was my father {w/o actually being there} for just about everything a father should be there for. after we were not in the same city we kept in touch by snail mail & then when we both went hi-tech by e-mail. he helped me thru finding my "real" father, my divorce, the end of the relationship after that which was such devastation for me, and everything in between.

when he got sick, i did something i had never done in the more than 20 yrs we've been friends -- i called.

he had no idea who i was.

now, i'm considering a trip to his town. the community theater is honoring him with a performance of his writings. i can combine the trip with some business near him.

even if he doesn't know who i am i think i want to be there, i'm just not sure i can handle it.

but after not saying goodbye to Danny i have a need to re-establish some link with don before it is past too late.

even though i just came back to this site, from reading a few of your blogs & the responses i got to my 1st blog entry i feel this is a place where i can say this is what i'm going thru & maybe anyone has something to say....advice, support, whatever....i feel alone with this irl

when i was dealing with my mom it was an on-line chat room SWC that kept my spirits up & my resolve going. i've found on-line folk are great for being there for you when you REALLY need shoulders & arms & love.

thanks in advance

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sunflower's picture
Submitted by sunflower on

I think I remember being on when your mom was sick. I had a different screen name. It was when my dad died last year. Hmmm, did I read in an earlier post of yours it was longer ago than that? Well, even if I wasn't one of the poeple helping you the last time, I hope I can help you a little this time.
I think what you are planning is a wonderful idea, for you and possible for Don. AS you can see with Danny, the main regret is what you missed after the fact. I think you may always regret NOT going for it. I think this man has done so much for you, and the intention of you going there means so much. Even if he doesn't know you, or know that you are there. Intention matters.
I hope you catch a break, mama. Sounds like you've been through some rough times. I hope you are healing from the relationship with your mom. My dad was no peach, but never "abusive". It was still hard to swallow years of indifference to have a vigil by his bedside, but I did. And, he was kinder when he was really sick. An extra big asshole right after his stroke and through years of being diasbled, but my mom had to bar the brunt of that, and it was mostly extreme grumpiness. I cannot imagine what you have had to go through.

sf

Everything that is done in the world is done by hope - Martin Luther

Sunflower the unflower

Mom's Tinfoil Hat
Foodie loves Picky

mamanopajamas's picture

I know with Danny I don't really have issues that we didn't let him know how much he meant in our lives. We had a really good big dinner withim a few weeks before he ended up in hospice pretty much unaware of who & what was what. We shared our love all the time.

With Don, I knew something was terribly wrong when e-mail weren't replied to in a short while, so wasn't unprepared when a mutual friend called w/ the news. It was difficult for it to be a brain tumor.

Don & I have two mutual friends who both know about his not remembering me when I did call. Unless travel plans don't gel I am sure I'll be going up north w/intention of seeing the show.
i think i'll plan on intoducing myself to his wife and any family merely as former student, i don't know. i'm a public speaker by training and yet at Danny's service i was unable to get up. i'm so worried i'll be overwhelmed by emotion that i might not be able to say hello. then again to go all that way & not...well, i am pragmatic (capricorn & all!)

thanks for being there to bounce words/thoughts/feelings off of & with

i don't remember if i was able to get on hipmama w/ my webtv when i was taking care of my mom. no one we stayed with had internet so i had to use my handy dandy portable webtv which had its limitations.

sorry about your dad. what name where you using then?

my mother was co-dependent and her idol was her alcoholic father because he wasn't responsible for his actions while he was drunk and she didn't want to be responsible for hers while sick. she said that in therapy with me and the therapist told her i was doing the healthy thing by leaving her & not caring for her anymore. one day i will write about the experience. it made me want to pursue some sort of career in cancer psychology.....another topic for another day!

thanks again & i love the "big spoon" pics!!

 "Do not speak--unless it improves on silence." ~ buddhist saying (wow - my email on file was so old - it was from the old hipmama email!)

sunflower's picture
Submitted by sunflower on

It doesn't make the emotions of life go away. I'm surprised my mom put up with the crap she did from my dad after he had his stroke. There is not enough said about how to deal with an angry or abusive person who is sick. You have been through a lot:(
Anyway, I was hilseb.

Everything that is done in the world is done by hope - Martin Luther

Sunflower the unflower

Mom's Tinfoil Hat
Foodie loves Picky

mamanopajamas's picture

well, all my angst for not much --- business partner won't be in town for me to go up there & we're babysitting nephew friday night.

i will write baout all this tsuff though, i need toget it out

thanks to you mamas

 "Do not speak--unless it improves on silence." ~ buddhist saying (wow - my email on file was so old - it was from the old hipmama email!)