the last time i was here, i had left my husband and was pregnant and i didnt know what to do with anything, myself, my two daughters, work, money, etc.
i am not pregnant any longer, and i am staying with my mom. the girls are being shuffled back in forth between me and their dad, (95% me, 5% dad) and pretty much that is ok with me.
i am looking looking looking for work and and keep praying that SOMETHING finds me SOON. i counted, and i think i applied for no less then 8 jobs a DAY. ask me how many interview i have been on in 6 months.
the last time i was back home, my girls dad was there to pick them up and he was trying to hug me- i didnt want him to hug me, and so as he was trying to hug me and pulling me forward towards him, i was moving back- and i felt something "snap" in my neck. two days later had me crying with pain in the urgent care and then i landed myself right smack dab in the emergency room. turns out i had a torn ligament in my neck- basically, i had whiplash.
yes, thats right, i got whiplash from MY EX. there is so much wrong with that whole situation i cannot even begin. thus, i was severely medicated and in so much pain for days upon days, i thought to myself, damn. without the use of your neck, movement is seriously encumbered.
he feels bad, of course. blah blah fucking blah. he always feels bad. but not being rude/abusive/violent/rough in the first place has more moral merit then contrition- feeling remorse basically is just saying that you are not a complete sociopath. i am not giving him an award for feeling bad because his temper got the best of him and he thought, in the moment, how DARE SHE PULL AWAY FROM ME, i am going to JERK her towards me in one swift, violent motion on either side of her spine hard enough to put her in the hospital- no, his remorse is really for himself.
and yet, the girls ask for him. say they miss him, they want their house, etc etc.
we have already pulled my oldest out of her wonderful private school that we cannot afford- and i have made a decision.
ideally i would like to live in portland.
but that is going to have to wait.
i am, once again, for now, going to live here. land of trophy wives, lamborginis, and men who wear italian loafers with no socks.
an hour south of hollywood and and hour north of san diego, this is the land sparking oceans, tourists in the summer, and driving. you drive a LOT here. yes, you can walk, but you would be walking next to freeways.
but the pluses are bigger then the negatives. my mom is here and she loooves being a grandmother. my best friend and her kids are here, and her kids are like my kids, and mine hers.
because i do makeup, there are better opportunities here for me then in san diego because of its proximity to l.a.
but, the biggest sway is that i do not think i would entirely feel safe in san diego, because he is there. and if here were paying any type of child support, he would automatically think my house was "his" because he is helping to "pay" for it. just by being the mother of his children, he wants to own me completely.
if i live here, then the hour away or so is enough of a buffer that he cannot just come over.
and, there is a charter school here that is FREE but based on the same model that my oldest was in in san diego. but free. did i mention, free?
please hope and wish and pray that they have one available space in their kindergarten for my daughter. that would be fabulous.
otherwise, i am trying to heal and move forward. now that i am out, i wonder how i was ever IN for so long, so painfully. there is no moving back, only moving towards my future.
i realize that living in a place i dont neccessarily want to be in forever does not mean i should discount what IS good about said place.
besides, i have sacrificed a lot and not a lot of it was positive.
i can sacrfice a bit of something to help foster good things for my kids. we do not have to live here forever.
on another note, i did a shoot yesterday for the first time in 6 months, and heres a shot of it:
thanks for listening...