Maatkare's blog

My birth mother decided to contact me around Christmas. It upset me at first. I know she's nuts. She blames my father and my grandmother for keeping us kids from her, but it's clear she abandoned us. She thinks I hate her, or that I'm believing some set of lies that people are telling me. I don't hate her, and I'm not being told much of anything. There's nothing to tell. She was here, then she was gone.

I know I shouldn't keep talking to her. I've seen what she's done to people in the past who have tried to reach out or help in some way. She tried to burn my sister's garage down, and she called DFS to take my sis's kids away. My sister is a fantastic mother. She calls my aunt for money constantly, and when she's told no she threatens to "send her back to Jesus". In fact, she supposedly has a whole list of people she wants to "send back to Jesus".

So why do I feel drawn to her? It's not like I know who she is. She left when I was two years old. I don't even have an image of her in my mind. I have no memories of times we spent together. There's nothing.

I almost emailed her a picture of my kids today. I was feeling sentimental. I thought she might like a picture of her grandchildren. I put "Grandkids" in the subject. Then I erased it. Those aren't her grandkids. I don't think she deserves that title. So then I put "My kids".

Then I thought about all the crazy shit she's done to my sister and my aunts. Do I really want her having a picture of my kids? No, I do not. I did not send the picture. I closed that tab on my web browser and came here to write about it.

I love, LOVE being a mother. I really want her to see that. I want her to see that the girl she abandoned grew up to be a really great mom who loves her kids. I want her to see that it isn't that hard to be a mom. All you have to do is be there. I know, rationally and logically everything worked out for the best. She's very crazy, and not fit to be a mother really. But the little girl inside will always want her mommy to have stayed.

I can't message her again. That would be a mistake. I need to find the strength to keep from even opening an email and typing in her name.

Oh, I am on the verge of bursting in to tears. I'm a good actress. I'm good at pretending to be a great, wonderful, positive mood, and no one can even tell how frustrated I am. But I am. And I won't go into the gritty details. So I'll focus on what I got that's good and what I don't got that's good that I don't. (That made sense in my head.)

1. My kids. Not to sound cheezy. I love my amazing children, and when it's not them that I'm frustrated about, I can totally throw myself into them and be cheered up within moments. The boy is good for merry-making and the girl is good for snuggles.

2. My job upgrade! I went from very part time nights to decent part time days, and well paid too. It's freeing to finally make enough money on my own so that if something ever happens and I'm by myself again, I can pay the bills.

3. Ebay. I need a new computer. I'm on a six year old MacBook that has a poltergeist in residence. Thanks to ebay, I can sell the crap around here I don't need to get the crap I do need!

4. My sister. There's no one better to process bad thoughts with. Most people try to fix my problems. But Lisa? She just listens.

5. Netflix. Where else can I watch endless episodes of Star Trek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

6. Tylenol. I have fibro. What more do I need to say?

7. A husband that cooks dinner after a hard day's work, and never makes a comment about how I spent the day on the couch doing "nothing" because he knows that recovering from a rough weekend with the kids is something.

8. Slipper sock that are fuzzy on the inside.

9. Being the only one who likes raisins. I can almost always be guaranteed there are enough for my oatmeal.

10. A neighborhood with neighbors who never hesitate to call the police, regardless of whether what we all heard was firecrackers or gunshots. Because, as it turns out, sometimes it's gunshots.

It started off at the Federal Reserve with only a few dozen supporters, but it grew. Today I heard rumors of 300-400 people, then later I heard it was 1200 people, marching through the streets of Kansas City, MO. It was pretty amazing. Very peaceful. People driving by seemed really excited, honking and waving and flashing peace signs! Only once did some driver become angry at us. Only once did I see the police, and they only stopped because five or six people decided to march in the street instead of on the sidewalk. It was clear from the beginning that we were going to obey all traffic laws and not give the police a reason to stop us. We had permits and everything. Really there was no trouble, though I have to admit it'd have been cool if there were!

Here are some pics. Enjoy!

This is the view at the Federal Reserve. Behind the stage is a sculpture, "IOU/USA". I can't remember the name of the artist. It's on view until the 16th, but I think he'll leave it up for the duration.

Why, yes, we DID stop traffic!

This view doesn't even begin to show you the magnitude of the march. Thin line, but it stretched for over a mile. Kansas City is a small city, so this is impressive for us.

The cops stopped a few streetwalkers and someone shouted "IT'S THE COPS! GET YOUR CAMERAS!" So, I got my camera.

All in all I think it was pretty successful. The point was to create awareness. You'd be surprised at how few people knew this was going on. I expect to see the number of campers at the Fed to grow quite a bit after this. I'm not camping, for lots of reasons, but not because I don't support this. I'm proud to have been a part of this. We're doing something again on the 15th, so I'll post pics from that when it happens!