Okay Mamas. I hope you are all sleeping sweetly. I am up with
my bleeding heart in my hands here...or so it feels, at 1 a.m. and g-damn the time change today. Can you believe- my son is almost 6 and with the divorce and all the back and forth and many many illnesses over these past few winters and changes etc... and an UNbelievably at times vindictive ex who at times would like to TAKE ME DOWN, I've let him keep his "paci" at night. I have a willful kid or maybe it's a tricky regulated kid- who for ex when we tried "cry it out" at 6 mos cried for 5 hours, then fell down in the crib, then cried 2 more hours. That was the end of that. I feel like he always wins when it comes to his demands around sleep, because I get to gdamn worn out and have too hard a job and too mnay responsibilities to miss WEEKS of sleep, and I mean WEEKS if i Try to change the status quo. I won't even get into how I a very healthy woman almost went nutso w/ his tsleep issues
the first 2.5 years of his life!! But cut to the present, his dad acts like everything is a total breeze w/ him at his house, and in fact I think it DOES look like that. I helped raise my stepson, my ex's older son, and in fact when he was w/ us he ws like some
angelic character in Andy Griffith show. UNREAL. Anytime he DID have a different idea or complaint he was SHUT UP. His dad does not tolerate ANY DIFFERENCE of opinion or need. SO he got my son OFF paci for 3 nights 2 weekends ago, beginning of
the "weaning" of it. He comes back to me, as if often the case, w/ a fresh cold and stressed. I try to continue the "plan." He starts getting hives every night, and dr examines himn and says he's got the beginning of an ear infection. I try to continue 'the plan." He goes to sleep fine w/ out paci but then is up at midnight WRITHING and screaming and have HUGE tantrum. Only time I've seen him act this way is w/ ear infection. But usually he is a super articulate kid, even at midnigh, about pain or whatever is going on. NOW HE WON'T SPEAK. Just screaming and even "goo goo gah gah." I am asking him 'Please are you in pain? Do you need medicine? Or is this missing Paci...?" I give him paci back 2-3 nights at that point exhausted and thinking he is maybe in pain and I'm not going to do this while he's in pain. But next day he tells me "I was not in pain at all, just miss paci...I want to do the plan when I'm over this cold." I supportively agree. So tonight he agrees at bedtimre let's try tonight. I give him lots of love and attn. He's getting hives at bedtime now, since "paci plan" but dr felt they might be related to the cold/virus. WTF. I can't figure anything out. So tonight I am beyond exhausted, sick-ish myself, big codl sore, too many clients, kids in big agony (clients) calling me even from college for help in ER as I"m trying to put him to bed w/ hives...for their "check in" but he's up 2 hours past bedtime because of the time change and hives, etc. I finally get him down. Watch some TV, relax a tiny bit. At midnight he's up WRITHING and screaming, won't let me hold him,m won't speak, won't tell me waht is going on. Nada. I make it okay if he misses paci, try to tell him it is okay to say he wants it. He finally does but is kicking etc. I tell him I'm going to hold you, help you all night if you need my help. I'm right here, it's okay...holding you... this feeling will pass...." etc. More writhing and screaming. On and on. Finally he's hitting his legs and I FINALLY (30 minutes into this) yell and say "STOP HITTING YOURSELF! THIS IS NOT OKAY!" and then he finally speaks and says 'YOU are a monster!!!! YOu are a monster!" and runs away from me. I go away and cry. It is too late to call anyone. Finally I go in the room and give him teh paci. This storm is too much for me. ANd i'm undone by his accusation which he could tell his dad which scares the hell out of me. I was a lvoing great mom all day, and through 1/2 hour of bloody murder screaming.

I feel like dog crap on the bottom of someone's shoe. I am demoralized.

This is the same kid that said to me two days ago sitting in a waitinbg room WAY to long for me, "I'm a Musa (his martial art)...I practive patience." He is FIVE! He is a great in school, totally loved, tons of friends, super loving, incredibly creative, articulate, wise... but has these times w/ me which just undo me. It is time to stop the paci but i'm telling you I feel like I go into the lion's mouth w/ this kid at times- it is so overwhelming.

Thanks. Please know I have a healthy great kid. But his sucks so badly.

Ever feel like you just can't fully connect w/ people, that no one really "gets" you? I am not sure where to go w/ this issue. I am an anomaly, even here on hipmama I think, so have been afraid to come out w/ this. But I think many of you can relate to the FEELING of not belonging, of feeling like you can't get no REAL deep satisfaction in relationships. I just don't feel like I'm getting gratifying relating. I'm 46, had my son at just over 40, in a late marriage I hoped would last. Split up when son 18 mos because I have never and never will take any kind of emotional abuse for more than 10 minutes- I have always chosen freedom and self reliance over taking any kind of major crap from a man. NOt that I'm not willing to be patient and "work through" w/ someone, but if they are not willing to work, I'm out. I'm a therapist, love my work, self sufficient, but it takes a lot to do that AND raise my son on my own w/ a VERY unpredictable ex (at times supportive coparent, at times truly the most impossibly difficult, oppositional, conflict loving human I or most of my friends have encountered). Friendship- most are not seeking the kind of life I am of true consciousness first at whatever cost, even though I have women I love and who love me in my life. I don't feel like right now I have a true "soul sister" and that hurts. Men- got beat up truly badly this past year by ex-husband, in retrospect don't think it was an accident that he became incredibly difficult as I got fully involved w/ a new person and had a bid at a profound happiness, new home, broadening and bigger life (in many areas). He dragged me down. I am now back on my feet, and that new relationship didn't work out (not primarily because of ex's antics, though they certainly stressed the situation). The new person was a dear and great person but NOT together in some key areas I could not get past. So now here I am alone again (as I've been much of my adult life) w/ huge heart and desire to connect w/ a true partner, mad skills (if i do say so ) to make a good relationship, and no good prospects (again! ack!). I am dating someone who is a kind an very successful M.D., younger than me, sexy, a "catch" but not very interesting to me on a spiritual/psychological level. Just not really developed, not really an "intimate" deep person. Yes, I am very choosy. I can't see any other way to honor my life or self. Then there is this other guy- much more interesting but I don't know if he has his game on either, relationship wise. In a way the stronger and older and more
developed a woman becomes, the more the man arena narrows down.

SOrry to vent so much. I just am lonely and full of GOOD longing I think, loving life so much and my son, but long weekends now alone while he's at dad's, and don't know wher eto put my energy fully. Tried to start a writing group w / today as first day but can't work cause of Oscar's. Ack.

Love to all.

Birdie and Glam and others who posted support earlier today. I took the post down because
you never know who might be lurking around- we move in concentric circles. Trying to protect people's privacy. And cover my derriere. Thanks for the support. Meditation and detaching is the next chapter here.

BEST to you all...good women.

Through a deal w/ AT&T Twitter and Red Cross, you can donate $10 to Red Cross and Haiti relief instantly by texting 90999 into your phone, then enter Haiti and $10 goes straight to the relief effort, charged to your cell phone bill. It's so terrible. Makes our life, the "hardships" of a difficult ex husband etc seem like a routine trip to the dentist- Even in our difficulties we have SO MUCH BOUNTY. Heart out to Haiti and all people living without the basics. I know some on this site are very close to that- heart out to you too.

Promised a photo to DC....here it is....oysters, a handsome man, fishnets, sauvignon blanc. Good life. xo

From Christmas 09

Okay women, looking for fuel here. Got so tired cuz I was totally adrenalized not sleeping over Thank weekend post mediation from hell meeting. Now I feel more settled, have a plan, and have CRASHED. Slept well but too short last night for first time in days. Son and I doing well. Feeling centered around his Dad's stuff...difficult but I have a bigger picture in my heart...a huge lens that is currently cleaned up and can see.

OHHHHH...but the workload. I can hardly keep my eyes open, have an upset stomach (happens when I get exhausted) but client billing, dinner clean up, a 40 page article for school (am returning for more credentials) for tomorrow a.m., an overdue report to write for state funding for a special needs child I see. So basically, 8 hours of work while I am in a tsunami of exhaustion. We go up to Berkeley for 2 days on Thurs to see old friends- very cool but not a good time to go from work perspective, and also this friend has 4 kids and so it's krazy not restful. Anyhow, just wanted to shout out from my single mama exhausted state.
Plus care of my 5 year old, and navigating the ex, grieving the lover. Oh Mamas. Life IS beautiful but so TIRING when trying to do so much w/ so little rest. And Christmas is coming- I could use a little Jesus right bout NOW

xo LOVE TO YOU ALL

Hi Mamas,

Happy Thanksgiving dear women! I spent today alone by choice, but not really because it was a "fun" idea. Yesterday my ex eviscerated me in a time sharing/parent plan meeting w/ an evaluator. It was far worse than I expected, and I expect the worst w/ him in relation to me. He now says what he really wants is 50-50 custody now that our child is 5, and he is creating a huge "case" that I am not a good mother as part of his argument for wanting this. All I can say is that every single day of the past 5.5 years my son has been my main purpose, focus, my joy, my heart. He has had a great home where he is adored and cherished, great community I created, GREAT schools, and I've worked my ass off to be the main breadwinner, run my business, and still only work 20 hours/week so I could be there for him 90% of his non-school hours. I can not even describe how wanted he is and was, and how I've dedicated myself to his best interest. At any rate I am dumbstruck. It feels like a little death, these demands to take him w/ his new wife and their conviction that he needs to be "saved" from me or something...it is pure lunacy, and this is wife #4, and he has no real friends, estranged from his entire family, history of serious mental health issues, but he is SMART and he STUDIES the legal system as his hobby- litigated for 12 years over his older son, from a nother marriage. I'm running up credit card to just fight back. And I'm too tired to fight, I am SO tired from 5 years of being a single mom and his dumping the whole marriage suddenly after baby was born.

I just want to have a good life w/ my sweet boy. I am grieving grieving grieving. Because if a guy has a job and shows he cares about his kid, it doesn't matter if he has UTTER contempt and even behaves abusively towards the mom, or history of being abusive, w/ enough money and smarts he gets what he wants here in CA. he moved my son 45 mins from us now w/ wife and new family , my son is loving our new hood and kids and activities and doesn't want to leave his community like this, or me. He will "settle" for 12 nights a month and 8 more afterschool afternoons, he says, a huge cut in son and my time together much of which will be spent w/ new fiance.

Plus I am SOOO lonely now w/ break up a few weeks ago. I got dressed up and went to the spa and got a massage today, instead of goign to a Thanx dinner party. I just could not put on a "happy face." I did however put on a beautiful dress and fishnets just to drive to the spa and back, which was kind of silly, but I needed to feel beautiful.

Love to all, thanks for listening! Very grateful for food, clothes, friends, hipmama, beatiful rental house, good career, health, beautiful son....list goes on.
Burn out is serious in these situations though.

Peace OUT!

Okay, so I've been having a HARD ASS time a lot of the past couple mos w/ crazy ornery
ex starting a BIG LEGAL FIGHT over NADA- and I mean it- because it's part of his BONDING process w/ any new woman he plans to marry (I mean it, this is not an exagerration, he's on #4 an I was #3 and drafted into wars w/ #2 and #1) or some damn thing- seriously dude acts like he's in a full on world war when I ask for a SMALL adjustment to the schedule he wants w/ new fiance and family and son is FREAKING OUT going over there. Creates this mythology that I am Dragon Lady (I wish Christy!) as red herring that kid is not jiving w/ the new scene at the outset. Shit I have been SO PATIENT and disciplined w/ my ex. It just IS NOT FAIR!!!!!! Then break up w/ the new man (old friend of YEARS) that I reconnected w/ a ways back. Not gonna comment on that here, but PAINFUL, yes..just not the right time/mix, even though he's a dear heart. Anyhow it's easy to feel poopy alone on a Sat night so I'm going to hit you w/ some PATS on my back and really, I challenge you to do the same...lay it out, what are you proud of this week? We need this kind of recognition!!
1. Stood up for my son against a bully when it would have been SO MUCH EASIER not to, since I take all the hits for it, the denigration, the push back, the threats. But I do it AGAIN AND AGAIN as many times as i need to. My son has a BRAVE mama and he knows it!
2. Left a relationship that had a lot of sweetness to it because as Jane Eyre says "I will not sell my soul to buy bliss" and it was not RIGHT, in my soul. Again, bravery.
3. Started a new certification program to build on my psychotherapy practice, even though there's a lot of crap and distraction and chaos going on. I got game, I know how
to PERSEVERE.
4. Supporting my son and me well as head of household. This is about HUGE non stop work in my 30s in therapy AND in the world, nonstop...I was dedicated. Now I can offer my son a good life!!
5. Loving the autistic and hurt and cutting and angry teens that come to see me..w/ an open heart.
6. Having fun w/ my son, making it fun, even when i so want to just pull the covers over my head and say GO AWAY world for aday!
7. PASSION, I have LOT OF IT! That' more a a grat.
8. A lot of opportunities- that's a grat.
9. BEing raised by a feminist mother who FOUND herself at 40- that's a grat.
10. Having a sense that life holds so much possiblity, even when I'm alone and
lonely and feel a lot of self doubt...that's a grat.

Love you mamas. Please tell us what you did that was hard this week, what you feel
good about yourself. We gotta do that!

Falling in love in a hurricane

you get too much you get too high, not enuf and your gonna die...love makes you high

Hi Mamas,

Thanks so much for your kind words. Now I'd love your feedback on YASMIN birth control. The scoop:

Well part 1 is the falling in love, part 2 (for me cuz I haven't slept w/ any of the men around in 4 years because I don't want to sleep w/ anyone I'm not i nlove with) is the birth control question. So he is far away, recently separated. Coming to see me for a week on Wedn! I feel this man is really the right stuff to work on a partnership with. We will see. For now I am off the hook wanting/loving him. We have not made love yet. THe hours are ticking.

Hi Mamas,

Been off list for a long time. I'm in love. NOt sure if it will work or not yet. That's why it's called "falling" I guess. Not stepping, not joining, not walking, but FALLING. THe full catastrophe, passion, joy, pain, awakening to it all. I will keep you posted. He is a very good man. Beyond that I am not sure yet.

Love to you all. Spring is here, with all of it's gorgeousness and poignancy, its reveling and weeping.

Love Mag

I was flying off the handle when Iwrote before and the downfall of e-communication is that there's not dialogue, questions, etc....so of course it's easy to make assumptions. It IS complicated b/c much of the commercial stuff including that Ariel Disney book comes from dad, but I have made many infractions too, even though we both try to be discerning. The culture sucks and oversexualizes images of children (Ariel fallin gout of her conch shells but acting like she's 12) esp Disney, and yet it's EVERYWHERE.

Hey all...
I wrote back in more detailed response to your responses..but
just wanted to clarify my kid is NOT on any kind of computer- he
was looking at a storybook I bought. I actually think he was being
appropriate, within a realm I'm not used to yet. Also don't think his dad
is an a-hole as a dad, we are on similar pages. THough he really let me down
deeply as a husband. THANKS

Strange that since about Thanksgiving weekend I'm having some really difficult moments and hours my 4.5 year old, following several months of such incredible sweetness between us.

To me, that is the worst kind of loneliness/alienation. Got a hit
of that today, at Thanksgiving dinner celebration. Hurt. Ouchy-wa-wa.
Went off to the dinner feeling rather tired- hit hard by my period last
night, lingering cold, etc...and had stayed up late last night after working

1. Discovered BEANO and this has helped my gassy stomach a ton! Yeah!
2. Realizing I have a great job, great area to live in, great gifts inside and out, and a wonderful son. What else is there really?
3. Loving not NEEDING a man to be okay, even if I'd like partnership, there is not one way in which I NEED to be w/ someone.
4. Loving women's big creative minds and consciousness- all of you.

Writing to all of you is encouragement enuf, so don't feel you have to respond. IF you do, thanks.

Feel rather awful- woke up
w/ upset stomach, incredibly tired, nauseous, and kind of dizzy. My friend's daughter
has a stomach virus and this feels more like that. I felt a bi tof the same
yesterday- super tired and draggy and little queasy, so ate carefully all day.
Today is worse and makes me think this is viral and not IBS ( have a mild case), esp after eating carefully
and sleeping 7 hours. I feel and look like someone banged me over the head.

for being hip mamas, and to all who worked their asses off even w/ children, and
jobs, and running a household, and single parenting, and worrying over bills, and
marriages, and divorces, and schools...and not sleeping, but working and praying
and holding change in your heart. LOVE TO YOU Great Mamas. There are GREAT things
about America, in it's bones, electing a Black man (and that is what he calls himself),
we offer a hope that we can be that city on the hill to shine a light to the world, rather
than a destructive nation of greed that ignores its own and hurls war on others.

LOVE and love all your Halloween photos.Was glad to be just my little guy and me. So blessed. WORD: don't let anyone squelch your true voice or spirit, no matter how much you love them. if you click on the pic the whole series I wanted to post comes up. Don't know how to embed photos...any tips greatly appreciated... Love to all. M

Hey Gals,

HI Mamas,

What have done the past 5-6 years? I'd love to hear. Sometimes I need to take stock....

2002-2008

Hi Moms,

I am so over it- the feds bailing out the CEOs. Let's hope this isn't the beginning of the next Great Depression. Meantime, can you believe they want US to bail out the thieves behind this??