maggles's blog

Hi Mamas,

Been lurking and following here. Thanks for being out there. I do miss yogini and Dragonchic. What happened to them?? Glad to see some of hte oldtimers though and also newcomers.

As a single mom with intregity I'm struggling with my single life, though not really my single MOTHER life, it's my when he goes to his dad's life. I want a break, I get to work, clean up, sleep, write, cook, garden create. But I am so deeply frustrated with lack of social opportunities. I hate the bar scene. I have done dating sites and pretty much hate them. And now after waiting patiently for the agreed upon Jan 1 date for my ex to reverse our weekends BACK to their original rotation after he switched them to accommodate my son's stepsister's father's desires (who is apparantly a controlling immovable tyrant) I was told said stepsister's father has refused. What this means is that I'm forced between enforcing what we agreed on and son missing out on being w/ his beloved stepsister who he needs to see OR being on the exact opposite schedule of ALL and I mean ALL of our single mom families. Where that leaves me is no single moms to go out w/ on the nights he's away because they are with their kids and no single moms/kids to do stuff with when he's here with me. I know- extend your community. Trying. But frustrating as I spent all summer setting up THIS little group only to lose it in Fall because of some jack ass stranger man's whim. I am so pissed sometimes at the lack of control in my life to A. Meet a REAL man who can be a strong true partner (I meet plenty w/ head of the ass who would like to join up ass backwards) B. Get a real social life going during my alone time w/out compromising myself to a bar scene of small talk situations that don't fill me up w hen I need it, after working and single mothering.

Don't get me wrong, I love my "alone time" but I don't like that it's forced- th at there are no other options right now t hat f eel really fulfilling.

Any ideas welcome.

Happy Friday- will toast you all w/ my cabernet. ANd that being alone w/ my own good company is WAY better than just using some guy as "filler," I don't need "Filler."

Hello Mamas,
Good to catch up on you all- lots of single mamas here these days which was so not hte case when I was separating w/ an toddler and found Hip Mama 5-6 years ago. It was all about attachment parenting and loving my man and not loving my man and having another baby. There were a few of us single moms in the minority- now majority it seems. I miss Dragonchic and yogini- don't know what happened to you two but shout out if you are there! Exciting to read Madame Filth's big energy with OWS- very grateful you are out there and doing it and reporting back, and for all the other mothers out there participating.

I thought 6 years separated and 4 divorced I'd be in a different place re: partnership and that's irking me of late. The loneliness. I hoped I'd be in the place professionally that I am- pretty well rocking it w/ my business even in a lagging economy. I hoped my son would be doing great, which he is, and that I could provide him w/ a great school and hood, which I have. So some things are totally best case scenario, and I am very grateful. I've been stronger and more kick ass accomplished then I'd have imagined. And I've passed on some men that really wanted to create a life together, and I'm proud of myself on that, particularly in that giving up the man I was with on and off the past almost 3 years was really hard because he was a HUGE emotional support and really loving of me and my child. But he did not have his own act together, and in some way didn't face that (smoking 2 packs at day at 50 w/ 3 first degree smoking heart attacks in his fam, for example) and tried to make it that "we just ahve things we can't work out..." which was not the case. I said stop smoking, find a more worthy career path (he was doing boiler room sales for an ultra conservative corp)...fill out your own life more. But he couldn't, wasn't ready, etc. and I walked. But it's been HARD!! I so miss being held, being helped, being able to talk w/ someone who knows me SO deeply and there is real emo intimacy.

Here in L.A. a lot of the single women I know are either older than me and have kind of given up or feel totally given up on, or if they are my age and more like me (which is thankfully in good form) they are "on the make," ready to grab the first decent man that comes along. ANd can I tell you- I am so not excited about what comes along. My most recent set ups/dates (disguised slightly for anonymity just in case)- a guy who owns a lot of stuff in L.A. and is very successful and warm but says things after 1 Glen Livet like "How could your husband give up a piece of ass like you- s mart, beautful AND a great cook?" Okay. Nuff said. NExt guy almost the opposite, fab feminist feeling surfer non-ignorant, well educated liberal professional but was adamant he does not want the pressure of trying to take more projects and be more successful like me because he loves to surf (that's fine, in the end) but ALSO went into a near rage talking about how his ex didn't want to give him 50-50 custody and wanted 2 nights/ month more than him....nuff said. I'm not looking to be taken care of but I am looking for parity- a nd I'm tired of the pressure of busting my ass- worrying can I pay the rent and bills each month solo.

I feel like sans amn I should be birthing a book or something instead. My son has sleep problems, I have him doing a lot of stuff, I have about 25 clients, I'm lonely. I get to writing group twice a month, yoga now and then. In my free time when he's at his dad's I'm so tired I'm online, cleaning up, doing billing. NOT making my world bigger, not out meeting anyone. WHen I do go out to a wine bar or a fundraiser the men seem SO superficial and awful. Plus I don't have any extra money to spend "tryign to meet someone." Blech.

Thanks for listening Mamas. I spent my free time this summer post break up in the ocean with my son, growing bushels of tomatoes, having lots of kids and moms over, having my elder mother here and caring for her in what precious time is left with her, writing here and there, sipping wine alone at night in the glare of this screen. Lots of good and health and bounty, but pushing so hard to make it and also finances don't get easier as time goes on on my own. Grateful but so wishing for a true dance with a true soul.

Thanks again. You are all brave and beautiful.

Dear Mamas,
Thank you for sharing your truth, your honesty. A little boy I knew, who had autism, said to his mama at age 3 "These tears are so small for these big feelings."

I am sad because my stomach hurts- and my stomach hurts because that's what it does w hen i have too much single mama therapist practice w/ 25 patients, no help w/ any of the extracurricular or school based stuff from the ex, friends in crisis, family away a year in EUROPE having fun, no support around here, break up from boyfriend who is a really good mad but a boy in certain ways and not the right life partner, child up every day at 6 (when I'm a night owl), huge kitty I have to make each month as head of household to keep us in great hood and great charter school.

you know what? I do it ALL well. I'm just going to say that up front. I make mistakes, I mess up, but overall I'm a hero, big time. The issue is I am so damn tired, and I want to crawl into someone's arms who is as strong as i am who says "You've carried a huge load, on top of achildhood full of trauma- you help so many people. I'm taking this off your shoulders and this, and ou can relax- you don't have to carry so much."

But said person has never appeared, except my therapist and meditation teacher who is amazing but I can't marry.

I'm tired, my stomach hurts for 10 years on and off. Didi I mention I'm tired?

love to you all, bright mamas.

M