Hey.

There're lots of people here I don't know very well at this point, so you probably don't know me, either. But I've got to vent and get some perspective, and writing generally helps with that. Feedback helps, too!

I am:
*25
*crafty (LOTS of knitting these days!)
*disorganized
*mama to DD 2.5 (labeled H here)
*currently living in WA

*pansexual, polyamorous
*a Taurus...
*slacking sooo bad right now
*six states away from my family
*persistently sick since New Years

*a 2nd-year Amer!C0rps member
*vegetarian, but I've been cheating a lot the last few months.
*currently living in WA
*smoking one cigarette a day...one.
*cutting way back on sugar

*planning to move to IA after AC, to be closer to my family.
*TERRIFIED of being jobless after AC this summer.
*curvaceous...fat...soft
*looking for temporary(?) childcare again for H
*yawning constantly

*a homeowner, a landlord.
*facing another flood, but from 1,500 miles away this time.
*a UCC Christian-esque churchy lady
*a responsible slut
*very, very poor.

So that's enough to give you an idea of what I've got going on. I'm facing a lot of fear, stress, and frustration right now. Frustration is phasing out a bit, but very scared and stressed about the next two weeks or so.

For example:
PROBLEM: I cannot find 2 out of 3 of my W-2's. My appointment to get my taxes done for free by someone who knows what he's doing is in a little over 10 hours. Fuck.
SOLUTION: Squirm and convince him to check last year's and make sure I'm on the right path and not forgetting anything, then file for free via the Amer!C0rps Alums opportunity, or via TurboTax, perhaps.

PROBLEM: DD and I are pretty distant lately. Out of sorts, out of routine, disconnected.
SOLUTION: Use the little moments with her as much as I can, not focus on her acting out, keep in mind that this too shall pass, and she will probably turn out okay.

PROBLEM: I AM SO FUCKING POOOOOOOR!!! Like, verge of homelessness poor.
SOLUTION: Get taxes filed! Harass the childcare assistance people EVERY.FUCKING.DAY until they finish my case. Try not to self-soothe with money.

Lots of others right now. I'm tired. Need my smoke. Need to knit. *sigh*

So I was a bit floored to see a facebook friend request from a girl, we'll call her the Redhead, because she's always had gorgeous red hair.

She and I were in the same grade through school, but we never even remotely got along. In sixth grade, she and a sidekick actually made death threats to me after school one day when I was about to step off the school grounds to walk home...I actually had to go to the office and call my family for a ride.

I kinda joked about it in high school and stuff, but needless to say, that's one of those experiences that was burned into my mind. I was only about one rung up from the complete bottom of the food chain in late elementary school (after having been socially successful at my first school), and that incident really reminds me about that. I gave up on trying to be popular, hence why my having 370 facebook friends is insane to me, when I don't actively seek people out who I really don't care about.

After leaving high school, I wrote her off like everyone else. She was a dumb, ignorant piece of white trash who was never going to leave ND. I think she was pregnant senior year if I remember right, gave birth shortly after graduation (and yes, I judged her for that.) I figured that's as far as she'd go.

Well, eight years later, she's married, has two more kids, and is pursuing her MSW. [[[Yeah, MASTERS degree, she's due to be done this spring. Which makes her more educated than me, which stings in some ways, because I'm good at school and she wasn't! And she has more kids than me! I need to get off my ass, I can totally handle the school thing, I just need to find the right program for me.]]] She's liberal, she's a human rights advocate, etc.

She facebook friend requests me, and I was kinda...nervous about it in some ways, like maybe she was just trying to be a bitch still or something? But she and I have exchanged a couple of wall posts, and she said this: "...I would love the chance to sit down and speak with you. Take care, and.... I'm sorry. Really. I am."

I almost cried. Funny how we all grow up someday.

So ever since breaking up with A & R, I've been in just dire need of getting laid. I mean really. My brief emotional entanglement with Z didn't pan out for anything because he's so damn indecisive and turned around about things, and while I hope he does come around, I'm not keeping my hopes up or waiting for him.

So that leaves me with not having been laid in like two months. This is the longest I've had to go since after H was born, pretty sure.

In the past, I've reconciled this problem by hitting up the infamous Craigslist for some NSA. Both times I have, I've gotten great response and got together with a wonderful man whom I can look back on fondly. The first, E, was this tall, dark, handsome Latino gentleman, and we only ended things because I had to move back to the midwest. I don't want to add another lover to my tally, so to speak. I'm pretty proud about my sexuality, and I know that I will have sex with new people in the future, but at this point, I just don't particuarly want to see that number of partners go up unless it's for someone I really care about.

So, now that I'm back out west, I figured I'd send E an email, mainly just to see what he's doing. Turns out, he does still live out here, albeit a few hours away. He's single. He was totally excited to get my email, and he's planning on coming out here at some point (hopefully soon!) to visit.

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO friggin' excited! Hehe. I definitely was crushing on this man, too (because I do that with most people I'm intimate with, but he's also a very attractive eligible bachelor). I don't think anything emotionally significant will pan out, but I am sooo very excited to see him again.

I want a book that's not a DIET book. Seriously, I don't want it to be focused on losing weight.

I want it to explain what exactly sugar is, how your body handles it, and how to quit being so addicted to it.

I did a low-sugar week (fruits, yogurt, and cereal were all OK, as was limited raw sugar in my coffee, but stuff like doughnuts, ice cream, chocolate, etc. were out). I managed it without too much trouble, and I felt really quite good, both physically and emotionally. After ending that, I've been back "on" sugar for the last few days, and it is fucking with me. With my head, my body, everything. I can't seem to handle it in moderation, maybe with some more structure, I don't know. So I don't know if I can sustain a low sugar...way of eating...over the long haul. I want more proof for myself of why I SHOULD, beyond just what I feel.

Everything at our library looks like it's a diet book. If I have some titles or authors to go off of (or even detailed websites!) I'd feel better about buying something, or doing some ILL for it.

Health question for you!

Since I was maybe 8 or 9, I've gotten a painful sensation periodically (sometimes 2-3x/week, sometimes ~3x/year.) It's a combination of a mid-back cramp and a stomach cramp JUST beneath my sternum. It grows in intensity for maybe three minutes, crests, and then dissipates fairly quickly. I have to stop what I'm doing most of the time and really breathe through it, OR lay flat on my back on the FLOOR--not a bed--with arms and legs outstretched to stretch that cramping muscle out. So it's basically a cramp in my diaphragm. I can't figure out what makes it more frequent or not, but I have been getting them 2-3x/week since I moved. I've WebMD'ed it, I've Googled it, I can't figure out a) WHAT it is, b) if anyone else on the planet has experienced this, or c) how to reduce its frequency.

Naturopaths, doctors, other know-it-alls: what is my problem? Even better, what is my solution?

So. The whole poly quad relationship? Over. Soooooo over. I'm still in love with A (the husband) but I know that he can't give me what I want--a stable life, more attention than about four hours a week, another kid, a ring. There are about a thousand reasons why it didn't work out, starting with R providing really half-assed care of my DD. Anyway, I'm getting out. Signing a lease on a SUPER cute apartment on Wednesday. Super cute one bedroom, great location, good neighborhood. I'm excited, in most ways. Glad to have My Own Space again. Not exactly glad to start over, but I think things will come together in the next few weeks.

Over the last six weeks or so, I've fallen in love with a good friend of mine. It sucks. I told him over a month ago that I had feelings for him, and he's been Mr. Mixed Signals ever since. He just kept saying "I don't know...I don't know..." and being completely inarticulate about what was going on. Meanwhile, we've been dating, for all intents and purposes. Had a couple of hot makeout sessions.

He says he is honestly interested in a relationship with me, but feels he needs to be single right now. Gave me the "It's not you, it's me" line--to which I said that line NEVER means that, and he said that sometimes, it really does. He said it in a way that made me believe him. He's pretty sincere, he's not an asshole intentionally. Anyway. There's tons of chemistry, great conversation, I love learning from him and how I feel when I'm with him. I'd even settle for friends with benefits, but he's of the mind that that's too complicated. I have a feeling that my feelings for him will end up cutting me off from the otherwise great friendship that we have. We hold hands all of the time--tonight, IN THE PROCESS of talking for the umpteenth time about us, he instigated the hand holding at least three times.

He keeps saying "I don't know..." and then saying that he needs to be single so he can go on this mental journey of self-reflection and growth. He needs to study for the GRE, apply for grad school, read, play guitar, and just be alone for at least a few months, he's said. Which I guess is fine, and I want to stay friends with him, but it's too painful for me to keep hoping he'll come around, and any time I talk to him I hope he'll come around. He keeps bringing up the conversation about us, and I keep saying that it's fine, and I support what he needs to do, etc. But HE won't drop it. Which tells me maybe he's not sure? I frankly think he's just being a coward. And I'm fucking sick of it, because I want to be happy; I want to find someone to share my life with.

Listed the apartment like three days ago. Have two viable applicants, both of whom REALLY want the place and can move in October 1. That's in like two weeks. So I wouldn't have a gap between tenancies...and I didn't have to pay to advertise the place!

Okay, not ENTIRELY, we'll be taking ourselves, the pets, and the houseplants in the car. And my grandparents' clock, because I don't trust it to the USPS. But everything else that is worth keeping would actually go into storage here (just a few pieces) or get packed into a box and sent west. Am I crazy?

I have determined this to be the cheapest option, considering I'm not 100% sure I'll still be there in two years.

However, I did get another feather in the cap of the little man yelling "you should move out there!" at me: I got a preliminary job offer, pending reference checks. AmeriCorps, mind you, not Job so to speak. But it would be an AWESOME position for me, helping a population I have a deep alliance with and affinity for, in the two fields (education and social service) that I love best, utilizing my second language. And getting bookoo federal aid in the process. JUST in time when I was supposed to have to start paying on that Stafford loan again after the LAST AmeriCorps stint.

Aaaand I've gotten myself in the doghouse a wee bit, by being more sexually free here than milady is comfortable with at this point. *sigh* How is it that I'm too freespirited even for a poly relationship? I'm hoping this will settle down after 6-12 months.

Okay, not really a midnight musing when it's written at ten after 1 a.m., but you know, I'm sticking with it.

I'm moody and it's after 4 a.m., so what else will I do but write. I just finished reading _Middlesex_ by Jeffrey Eugenides. Awesome book, but a hard read in a lot of ways. Takes you back to the insecurities of life, the pains, rejections. It's a very enlightening book, too, though. Mainly about Greek culture and, on a basically unrelated note, a particular intersex condition. Fascinating. I checked it out, sparked by my neighbor girl's curious whisperings that L@dy G@g@ is intersexed. I realized while we were having that conversation (in which I probably opened her mind a little farther than she wanted it to be) that I know very little about intersexuality, and decided to start doing some research. I'm fascinated.

On other fronts, I'm depressed. I think 60% of it is due strictly to having been unemployed (well, okay, SEVERELY UNDERemployed) for over four months, now. I'm job hunting now in Washington, and I have some hope in some ways, but not for anything deeply fulfilling. I just need to get back on the horse and have a reason to actually get out of bed in the morning and, oh, put deodorant on. The lack of structure and schedule is making it so that I never get ANYTHING done. It's a huge deal if I actually do a load of laundry or a sinkful of dishes. Pathetic.

I'm hopeful but realistic about the relationship. I'm soooo excited to be out there and hold my loves again. They've had some rough times the last couple of weeks, and while I don't maintain some goofy fantasy of resolving everything, some issues will be made better by my being there. But I'm dreading the actual moving. The leaving. Not the arriving somewhere new, I'm kinda excited about that, but it's the leaving I'm sad for.

I'm calling the university's graduate school counseling program to see if they can get me in a couple of times before the move. I need to talk. I need to talk about the relationship in an emotionally safe environment where I don't feel like I'm automatically going to be on the defensive. I need to voice my fears about the move without people questioning my choice. This is something I need to at least try, and if I'm back in six months or a few years, then at least I know.

My mom still can't talk about that with me, but we are at least talking again. We were supposed to have a family reunion here in town before I left (pretty coincidental timing). While usually these projects fall apart by day 2 or 3 of the actual reunion, this one was aborted before full gestation due to the drama that is my extended family. I'm somewhat thankful to be spared said drama, but I am very hurt that I'm not going to see Dad before I move. Mom said he isn't coming now because it would just be to see me, and seeing me makes him really emotional because of my moving. With his MS, getting worked up really drains him, and he doesn't bounce back to 100%. I wouldn't want to feel guilty for basically making his MS worse, but damn, I wish he and Mom could just spare me their grief, right now. I'm moving to a different time zone, not a different country, and planes fly fast. They'll probably see us as much living there as they do here, because lord knows no one can make that drive more than 2-3 times per year.

Oh, and last night, I ended up having sex with a good friend of mine. He's in the single parents group as an assistant organizer. He's like 47, if I remember right. (Yeah, I'm 25. Yeah, his eldest child is the same age as my little brother.) Usually the transition from friends to friends with benefits is fairly smooth for me, but I really care about him and he's not in the greatest emotional state these days (horrible divorce). I'll talk to him tomorrow to get the phone number for that counseling department, and hopefully things won't be weird. We talked about it a fair amount, and he basically said only time will tell. He's been on my mind a lot today; I hope he doesn't regret it. I hope he doesn't regret me.

Hey all!

I figured I would post a more light-hearted update, as opposed to the poly drama I've had going on the last month.

I'm working on a yellow ~1975 Schwinn Collegiate (like this one) at the community bike workshop/collective.

All I have to do is buy new tires & tubes, and put in another 2 hours of sweat equity, and she's all mine! The way it works is you pick out a trashed donated bike you like, claim it, put in 7 volunteer hours helping other folks with their bikes or helping sort parts and stuff in the shop, then fix up your bike using checklist and the help of the volunteer mechanics, and you get your bike. For mine, the tires weren't at the workshop because they're a wonky Schwinn-specific size. If I were to get a new Collegiate, it would be $400. If I were to buy a used one in the condition it is now (after I've taken everything apart, cleaned everthing, re-lubed everything, etc) it would be ~$150.

Every Wednesday is ladies night, no guys allowed in the shop including the mechanics, so I've had a couple of awesome women helping me. Then it's not crowded with guys who just want to jump in and do shit for me (which makes me so mad, but for some reason I don't voice it). And it's much more kid-friendly on ladies night.

I knew NOTHING about bike repair before going there, but everyone was so helpful and stuff, I can now help troubleshoot and repair bikes no problem. Truing the wheels, repairing hubs, patching flats, lots of stuff. I feel all empowered and shit. AND, I'm going to love having this labor of love so much that I'll probably ride it more than I would have had I just spent the money on a bike, and I know how to change a flat, figure out those squeaks, etc. Now I just need a job I can commute to, and we're set!

I am SUCH a fan of the bike workshop, right now.

Mind changed. I'm moving to eastern Washington. I feel good about the decision. Definitely some things I'll miss here. And definitely a change of pace. But I miss A, R, and the kids too much to really justify staying.

My mom's going to be devastated. But honestly, she's 9 hours away as it is. It's not like she got to see H every weekend anyway. I'll be saving money on childcare expenses, and they have family in the airline business, so we'll be able to get to Iowa at least twice a year, and Mom will probably be able to handle once a year, too. Besides that, we're not anchored in WA, we might move more centrally in the next few years anyway. I'm rationalizing, on that front, because I have a really hard time hurting my mom.

Hey, all. I did go out to WA to visit that family I was contemplating moving in with. I fell in love with the couple, and they fell in love with me, the kids got along fabulously, and I was pretty sure it was going to happen. I was preparing myself to say good bye to my house and my life here.

Unfortunately, the last night I was there, the couple got into a huge fight. I'm talking threats of divorce, a lot of emotionally manipulative and abusive things said (mainly by the husband) and I said I was done. I still love them, especially the wife, but he needs to work on himself more before I'd be willing to live with him.

So that was hard. But now I know, and I'm looking at what I can do to rescue myself a little bit. My finances have finally gone to shit, for the most part, and I still don't have a job. I have a final interview on Monday for an AmeriCorps position (wish me luck!) but that's a stop-gap situation as well, since it's only for a year. I'm not behind on any bills at this point, but I don't even want to look at what my balances are in my various bank accounts right now. Still feel like I need to get that sorted out before registering for classes and accepting my financial aid package. I'm going to spend the weekend here cleaning up and catching up on my financial situation, probably forebearing my student loans (which I've still been paying throughout my joblessness) and making sure I can keep the lights on.

Hey, mamas.

I'm driving down to the cities tonight to hop on a plane w/H tomorrow to go visit that couple (I don't want more criticism right now. I appreciate what I got, but it's not what I'm writing for right now.)

I had a ton of stuff to get done today before leaving, and then last night I managed to launder my phone. WHO DOES THAT?! I do, apparently. Anyway, so now I have way less time to get this stuff done, after replacing my phone this morning.

Here's what's left:

Some laundry
Packing
Find iPod? Right....
Buy USB cable for camera, and diapers
Take out garbage
Drop off perishable food with some friends
Find Haven's harness

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Send me speed-demon vibes.

Hey, folks. I've been talking with this couple online for about nine months. They're polyfi, and while I generally prefer open poly structures, they really seem to make a triad work. I say that because they have a third in their relationship right now, whom they met about the same time they met me. Things with Q (their third) went quickly, and Q lives there, but things with Q have been falling apart for the last 3-4 months, and it's not for lack of trying on their part. They are AMAZING at commitment, communication, accomodation, listening...they know how to make it work, but it's looking like Q just doesn't want to right now. So they're trying to talk her into letting them bring in a fourth. Me. Turning us into a quad.

We've been talking pretty seriously for the last month or two at this point, and I'm going to go with DD to visit them in about 3 weeks. If the chemistry is there, we're looking at being one big happy family. Overall, I have a good feeling about it, for lots of reasons. But the idea of moving really makes me sad. A couple of weeks ago, A (the husband) said it was just as likely that they'd move, but R (the wife) doesn't want to. Last night they were kinda trying to convince me, and their arguments are compelling.

It's still scary to think about, though. I hate moving. What I would probably do is rent out the main floor of my duplex to someone who could serve as property manager, and I'd be charging just enough to cover mortgage, utilities, minor improvements, etc. It would probably be a furnished apartment, because there won't be ROOM for my furniture at the house in Walla Walla. So I'm hashing out some of those business details in my mind. And I'm grieving, a bit.

Okay, I'm going to do this pros and cons style:
Pros of moving to Walla Walla
-As bikeable or more than where I live now.
-Lots more options for local food, plus a food co-op.
-Better environment for gardening (sun!)
-About as progressive as where I am.
-Back in WA, which is slightly more awesome than MN.
-Waaaaay better weather.
-Because I'm not selling the house, if we all decide to move here, we have that option.
-Bigger house (compared to if they were to move here.)

Cons of moving
-I'd miss my house, my sovereignty.
-I'd really miss H's daycare/provider/family.
-I'd feel a bit overwhelmed just jumping into their situation. They're a big family as it is (four kids), so if we were at least on my turf I'd feel a bit more balanced about it.
-It's significantly smaller than my current metro. I like the size here, for the most part. Nervous WW might be too small.

Somewhat neutral, but worth mentioning
-Farther from my family. We'd be able to see them about as often and only for slightly more money, we'd just have to fly to do it. Could fly cheaply, due to A's mom's employee discount.
-They do have a UCC church, which is also seeking a pastor right now, like mine. So I could rebuild that network. The church even looks like mine, and it's open & affirming. A & R's family already go there.
-4.5 hour drive from BD. We could actually coparent...don't know how I feel about that.
- They also have a bilingual immersion school, similar to the Spanish immersion school here I've wanted to get H into when she's old enough.

Of course, that's based on if this visit goes well. What are everyone's thoughts?

Mamas. I'm getting hung up on scheduling. Hardly any of the classes I need to take are offered evenings or online. The Spanish courses, especially, piss me off because they're LIT classes. Let me read my books and write my papers, why do I have to go to class anyway?

I think I need to just suck it up and get a "flexible" job (i.e., not work the typical 8-5, because I need to have a lot of that freed up for school.) But how do you do that with daycare? I haven't talked to my daycare provider about whether or not she'd be willing to make an exception or something and do some alternative hours for us, but I don't think she will happily--she's pretty set on her workouts everyday after daycare's closed. I think I need an ally in this process, someone who can pick H up and watch her evenings or whatnot if I'm working. That is SO, SO much to ask of someone...shit. I don't know how to get this done.

I've been spending a fair amount of time lately with a friend who's a single dad. (DON'T get any ideas! He's probably twenty years my senior and he's going through the messiest divorce I've ever heard of. Way too much drama and baggage.) But anyway. You can see how my mind is handling all of this. Any guy who's single, regardless of age, etc. just gets transformed into a potential husband. It's fucking me up. I don't feel desperate, per se, in the same way that I don't refer to my single parents group as a support group...it probably is, but that just sounds so bad.

I'm feeling lonely, and single. As I've said before, it's not the physical intimacy, it's the somebody giving a shit about me and feeling like I'm special, that's what I miss. *crying* Probably just something in the air, as I know brainymom is dealing with similar feelings right now, too.

I just watched The Terminal, and I realized that I'm Amelia, basically. I don't know how to relate to straight men outside of sex. Conversations between this single dad and I are always tense. When I'm talking to him, I feel the way I felt talking to my father when I was like sixteen...like there's a power dynamic and sexual vibe that probably shouldn't be there, but I just sense it. My relationship with my dad at that point wasn't great at all, and while it's gotten a lot better, I don't think I'll ever forget that feeling, and I've wondered lately if that's part of why I automatically let everything with straight guys go directly to sex. As a result, when we was helping me do my dishes today and I was putting things away around him, I felt so...aware of his masculinity. (Ha, funny thing to say, considering the situation, doing dishes!)

Ugh. I just wish I had some healthy positive male attention. *I* know I'm sexy. I was checked out in the parking lot the other day (granted, it was by a guy in the trashiest car ever, and it was the parking lot of the social service building, but I'm trying not to minimize this.) I'm smart, I'm strong, I'm awesome. I'm aware of this. But what the hell good does it do if no one wants in on it for more than just a roll in the hay?

Sorry. *sigh*

At least I got four of them. It was actually a huge deal, buy two get two free, on these bras that do AMAZING THINGS to my boobs. Seriously. So I stocked up. Not like I can afford it right now...but I'm just not going to think about that for now.

Why I'm telling you all, I don't know. Rationalizing, maybe?

Okay, we were working on the bike at the community bike workshop until 8:30, so bedtime obviously got shifted back. Bad thing, since she didn't get a nap today, but at least she gets to sleep in tomorrow (daycare personal day.) It went fairly smoothly, we still did everything and she was in bed alone at 10:15 or something. It was about half an hour of crying this time. I felt a little bad for her just because I knew she was exhausted, and I was tired too, but I figured it would just be harder in the future if she sees that sometimes when she cries, mama does give in and go to sleep. Opted not to do that. I can go now that she's asleep, though.

YAY! Oh, praise God!

Okay. It wasn't easy. We did snack then bath shortly after 7. We referred to the chart between most little tasks, so she saw what we'd done and what was coming. Getting through things took a while for some reason, but by 8:15 we were done reading. I then said I'd snuggle with her for three songs and then go sit while she went to sleep. She knew something was up, but I was determined. When I went to sit outside the doorway (with the gate in the doorway), I said "Mama loves you, but it's not her bedtime. It's your bedtime, it's your job to go to sleep. You're safe, it's okay. If you go nigh-nigh by yourself, you'll get a sticker in the morning." I just reiterated those sentences as needed for the next hour as she SOBBED. VIOLENTLY. Finally, after an hour, she crawled into bed, whimpered a bit, and was OUT. 9:30. I can totally do this, if it gets a bit better from this point on.

I've only gotten a sum total of 2-3 replies to the last 2 blog posts I've made, so I'm feeling a little abandoned here.

I am SO FUCKING MAD at H right now. She's been taking so long to fall asleep for the last month that I always fall asleep in the process. This is maddening on multiple levels. Means I haven't gotten laid, means I have no social life, means I am not able to get ANYTHING done, means she's not getting enough sleep because she's holding out until like 11 most nights, means we're both mad at one another.

I've tried just letting her cry it out with the gate up; she climbed over the gate after 5-10 minutes. Obviously, a crib would not help us.

We co-sleep. I'm not really willing to stop that for this problem, but I do think this is a solvable problem. It has to be.

Tonight, I managed to flake on calling a guy back because I fell asleep getting her down. I like this guy (not Hardware Store Guy, I've given up on him.) So not only do I feel like a huge flake, but I really resent her right now for robbing me of a chance to get to know more about him. It sounds fucked up, it probably is, but I don't get any guilt-free time without her. Period. Abusing my childcare assistance is the only way I get the time, right now, because her sleep schedule is so fucked up.

She should be going to sleep by 8. Not 11. I've been spending FOUR HOURS PER NIGHT doing the bedtime routine (sometimes a bath, always diaper change, PJs, read three books, then lay down and snuggle with the lights off until she's asleep). Does the routine need to be longer before the lights out stage? How will she affiliate it with sleep if she takes three hours to fall asleep? She's overtired, I know she is, from a month or two of not getting enough nighttime sleep. How can I correct this? NOW. I don't want to check out _The No-Cry Sleep Solution_ for toddlers again, it didn't really work the first time, and it took me too long to read the damn thing that I got fines for returning it to the library four months late.

I'm so angry. I mean, trying to put it in perspective, of course this guy isn't worth it if he can't forgive me that; it's not so much that. This is months of accumulated anger and resentment over having my only guilt-free alone time taken away from me. I'm seriously tempted to just find a fucking door for the bedroom, install a door knob with a lock on the OUTSIDE, and just lock her in there after the bedtime routine. Let her cry it out. She'd be terrified, hurt, confused, but I just don't know what to do!? This current arrangement isn't working for me! She just spends hours finding little tasks she has to do before laying down. I threaten her with me leaving the room again, and she freaks out, and then the whole process starts over again.

I love my daughter. Of course, we have our moments of sheer bliss, when she says "snuggle!" in her cute, pity-me voice in the morning, when she'll tolerate cuddling. And like now, when she's talking on her phone to an imaginary friend about her bowel movements (yay, potty training.)

Then there are the moments when she just wants to cling to me and type for me and jump in my lap when I'm changing the cat litter and I just want to throw her against the wall--or better yet, duct tape her there! (For the mandatory reporters out there: I would never do this. I just fantasize about it like all good moms.)

In other news, I have the AmeriCorps interview in the morning.

I'm kinda scared what will happen if I get this position, specifically in terms of my childcare assistance. I know it will cover my time serving, but the time between when I know I have the position and the time I start. It starts in August, so I'm anticipating that they won't cover me in the interim, because I'm not job-hunting and I'm not working. The thought of 4-6 weeks with H around ALL DAY, EVERY DAY makes me seriously nervous. I can hardly make it through the weekend, my patience level is just shitty. And she needs a lot. Tonight, she managed to get into my favorite blush...I splurge on makeup, I use Bare Escentuals, and I LOVE their stuff. It's expensive, though. It last a long time, which is how I justify it, but she dumped out like HALF OF THE THING! AND when she was supposed to be taking a nap this afternoon, she ate a WHOLE FUCKING PACK of gum. Whole thing. From my purse. I was asleep, because *I* needed the nap, too.

How will I survive a month?!

For the back story, check out my previous post about him.

Went in to buy potting soil and such, ended up chatting with the guy, C, for like 15 minutes--I was nervous he was going to get in trouble. He ended up running up my items at the till, and since it was some bulky stuff I didn't want to haul by hand, I said I'd bring the cart right back in. In my car, I wrote a note basically saying "I'm flirting with you all the time, and I don't even know if you're single. I'm going to quit doing that to avoid any potential awkwardness for you at work, but if you want to go out to lunch sometime, here's my number." Put away the cart, walked all the way to the back of the store and asked someone for him so I could give this to him. He opened it up and was reading as I turned around and walked away.

Phew! Glad to have that done. Regardless of what he does with it, honestly. I get too worked up over that crushy feeling, especially when it just makes me feel like a lonely loser if I don't follow through on it. So this way, no harm, no foul.

Meanwhile, I've found out he's a drummer, an identical twin, wants to be a renewable energy tech, going back to school part time for electrical stuff right now, and is still as cute as can be.

Hey, ladies and gents (I know there are a few around!)

I'm going to see if I can manage a general update of what's happened in the last six weeks since I lost my job.

1) I've decided to get certified to teach Spanish. It's a K-12 certification, I have about 65 credits to do to get it, and I feel pretty good about it, all in all. I feel like it would be a GREAT job that I would enjoy most days, which means a lot to me. Pay would be enough (way more than I've made in the past) and benefits would be awesome, especially having summers off to garden or work a different part-time gig or something. I am struggling with the feeling like I've settled, like I'm too smart to be "just" a teacher, and knowing I won't get much respect. That stuff is all hard for the over-achiever in me to take. Pros and cons to everything, and in this case, my problem isn't with the profession itself but with society's respect for it.

2) Going back to school is going to be a pain in the ass. State childcare assistance won't cover time I'm in school because I already have a degree, and I don't qualify for federal grants for the same reason. FUCKERS. I'll manage it, although it might mean lots of student loans. I'm hoping for Perkins, then Staffords, because those can be forgiven completely after 5 years of teaching, regardless of where I teach (foreign language is considered a high area of need for teachers).

3) Planning to do AmeriCorps again this year, in part to get more money for school. A year of AC would cover almost all of a year of tuition. I'm hoping to go to school 1/2 time and work AC full-time.

4) Which means I pretty much have to quit volunteering. This has been hard for me to swallow, but I'm kinda burned out on it all right now, anyway. I feel like all I'm doing is dropping the ball left and right. That's not ACTUALLY true, but it definitely feels like it.

5) My house is a disaster, because it's just gross. Trying to take babysteps toward reconciling that. Three sinkfuls of dishes today was a big step.

6) Got my garden planted today. Also planted some herbs I inherited a couple of weeks ago--chives, mint, lemon balm, and bee balm. Anything you like to do with those, let me know, as I just took them off a friend's hands without knowing more than sour cream and chives on potatoes.

7) H is now 2 and I am now 25. I don't know if we're both going to survive the terrible twos. She's driving me absolutely nuts every minute of the day. Like right now, crawling all over me and trying to interfere with my typing. How in the world am I going to do homework? She doesn't sleep. I can work my ass off, but not get anything done if she's like this. It's going to be hard.

Hey. I've got a crush on a guy at the hardware store. It's funny, but over the last 9 months or so, I've been consistently impressed with his presence. Helpful, interested, sincere, smart, and cute. I thought he might be younger than I, so I was kinda putting it on the back burner, but then last time when I was in, I used a coupon I got from Ace for my birthday, and he joked "well, now I know your email address...just kidding" and of course I responded "you never know, could come in handy." And he asked how old I was turning (25), so I sated my own curiosity and asked how old he is--27. Anything between 25 & 30 is great by me. So now I'm giving myself permission to crush on this guy. Which means I know I'm going to hit on him in some overbearing way, because I have that tendency. I LOVE this hardware store, I don't want things to be awkward because of some rejection--hell, I don't even know if this boy's single.

So, any tips on figuring this out? I do know his name. I've been tempted to ask one of the female cashiers if she knows if he's single. That is kinda bold in that if she tells him I asked, he'd obviously know what I was thinking. But if I ask him, it's TOO direct, you know? Bah....it's kinda sad, I actually get anxious just HAVING the crushy feeling, because I've come to affiliate it with an impending rejection. *sigh*

Crap! Crap, crap, crap. Why am I not stronger for this shit? Why am I a people-pleaser? Why don't I listen to my intuition! A guy's coming over, and I have a bad feeling about this.