Hey.

There're lots of people here I don't know very well at this point, so you probably don't know me, either. But I've got to vent and get some perspective, and writing generally helps with that. Feedback helps, too!

I am:
*25
*crafty (LOTS of knitting these days!)
*disorganized
*mama to DD 2.5 (labeled H here)
*currently living in WA

*pansexual, polyamorous
*a Taurus...
*slacking sooo bad right now
*six states away from my family
*persistently sick since New Years

*a 2nd-year Amer!C0rps member
*vegetarian, but I've been cheating a lot the last few months.
*currently living in WA
*smoking one cigarette a day...one.
*cutting way back on sugar

*planning to move to IA after AC, to be closer to my family.
*TERRIFIED of being jobless after AC this summer.
*curvaceous...fat...soft
*looking for temporary(?) childcare again for H
*yawning constantly

*a homeowner, a landlord.
*facing another flood, but from 1,500 miles away this time.
*a UCC Christian-esque churchy lady
*a responsible slut
*very, very poor.

So that's enough to give you an idea of what I've got going on. I'm facing a lot of fear, stress, and frustration right now. Frustration is phasing out a bit, but very scared and stressed about the next two weeks or so.

For example:
PROBLEM: I cannot find 2 out of 3 of my W-2's. My appointment to get my taxes done for free by someone who knows what he's doing is in a little over 10 hours. Fuck.
SOLUTION: Squirm and convince him to check last year's and make sure I'm on the right path and not forgetting anything, then file for free via the Amer!C0rps Alums opportunity, or via TurboTax, perhaps.

PROBLEM: DD and I are pretty distant lately. Out of sorts, out of routine, disconnected.
SOLUTION: Use the little moments with her as much as I can, not focus on her acting out, keep in mind that this too shall pass, and she will probably turn out okay.

PROBLEM: I AM SO FUCKING POOOOOOOR!!! Like, verge of homelessness poor.
SOLUTION: Get taxes filed! Harass the childcare assistance people EVERY.FUCKING.DAY until they finish my case. Try not to self-soothe with money.

Lots of others right now. I'm tired. Need my smoke. Need to knit. *sigh*

So I was a bit floored to see a facebook friend request from a girl, we'll call her the Redhead, because she's always had gorgeous red hair.

She and I were in the same grade through school, but we never even remotely got along. In sixth grade, she and a sidekick actually made death threats to me after school one day when I was about to step off the school grounds to walk home...I actually had to go to the office and call my family for a ride.

I kinda joked about it in high school and stuff, but needless to say, that's one of those experiences that was burned into my mind. I was only about one rung up from the complete bottom of the food chain in late elementary school (after having been socially successful at my first school), and that incident really reminds me about that. I gave up on trying to be popular, hence why my having 370 facebook friends is insane to me, when I don't actively seek people out who I really don't care about.

After leaving high school, I wrote her off like everyone else. She was a dumb, ignorant piece of white trash who was never going to leave ND. I think she was pregnant senior year if I remember right, gave birth shortly after graduation (and yes, I judged her for that.) I figured that's as far as she'd go.

Well, eight years later, she's married, has two more kids, and is pursuing her MSW. [[[Yeah, MASTERS degree, she's due to be done this spring. Which makes her more educated than me, which stings in some ways, because I'm good at school and she wasn't! And she has more kids than me! I need to get off my ass, I can totally handle the school thing, I just need to find the right program for me.]]] She's liberal, she's a human rights advocate, etc.

She facebook friend requests me, and I was kinda...nervous about it in some ways, like maybe she was just trying to be a bitch still or something? But she and I have exchanged a couple of wall posts, and she said this: "...I would love the chance to sit down and speak with you. Take care, and.... I'm sorry. Really. I am."

I almost cried. Funny how we all grow up someday.

So ever since breaking up with A & R, I've been in just dire need of getting laid. I mean really. My brief emotional entanglement with Z didn't pan out for anything because he's so damn indecisive and turned around about things, and while I hope he does come around, I'm not keeping my hopes up or waiting for him.

So that leaves me with not having been laid in like two months. This is the longest I've had to go since after H was born, pretty sure.

In the past, I've reconciled this problem by hitting up the infamous Craigslist for some NSA. Both times I have, I've gotten great response and got together with a wonderful man whom I can look back on fondly. The first, E, was this tall, dark, handsome Latino gentleman, and we only ended things because I had to move back to the midwest. I don't want to add another lover to my tally, so to speak. I'm pretty proud about my sexuality, and I know that I will have sex with new people in the future, but at this point, I just don't particuarly want to see that number of partners go up unless it's for someone I really care about.

So, now that I'm back out west, I figured I'd send E an email, mainly just to see what he's doing. Turns out, he does still live out here, albeit a few hours away. He's single. He was totally excited to get my email, and he's planning on coming out here at some point (hopefully soon!) to visit.

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO friggin' excited! Hehe. I definitely was crushing on this man, too (because I do that with most people I'm intimate with, but he's also a very attractive eligible bachelor). I don't think anything emotionally significant will pan out, but I am sooo very excited to see him again.

I want a book that's not a DIET book. Seriously, I don't want it to be focused on losing weight.

I want it to explain what exactly sugar is, how your body handles it, and how to quit being so addicted to it.

I did a low-sugar week (fruits, yogurt, and cereal were all OK, as was limited raw sugar in my coffee, but stuff like doughnuts, ice cream, chocolate, etc. were out). I managed it without too much trouble, and I felt really quite good, both physically and emotionally. After ending that, I've been back "on" sugar for the last few days, and it is fucking with me. With my head, my body, everything. I can't seem to handle it in moderation, maybe with some more structure, I don't know. So I don't know if I can sustain a low sugar...way of eating...over the long haul. I want more proof for myself of why I SHOULD, beyond just what I feel.

Everything at our library looks like it's a diet book. If I have some titles or authors to go off of (or even detailed websites!) I'd feel better about buying something, or doing some ILL for it.

Health question for you!

Since I was maybe 8 or 9, I've gotten a painful sensation periodically (sometimes 2-3x/week, sometimes ~3x/year.) It's a combination of a mid-back cramp and a stomach cramp JUST beneath my sternum. It grows in intensity for maybe three minutes, crests, and then dissipates fairly quickly. I have to stop what I'm doing most of the time and really breathe through it, OR lay flat on my back on the FLOOR--not a bed--with arms and legs outstretched to stretch that cramping muscle out. So it's basically a cramp in my diaphragm. I can't figure out what makes it more frequent or not, but I have been getting them 2-3x/week since I moved. I've WebMD'ed it, I've Googled it, I can't figure out a) WHAT it is, b) if anyone else on the planet has experienced this, or c) how to reduce its frequency.

Naturopaths, doctors, other know-it-alls: what is my problem? Even better, what is my solution?

So. The whole poly quad relationship? Over. Soooooo over. I'm still in love with A (the husband) but I know that he can't give me what I want--a stable life, more attention than about four hours a week, another kid, a ring. There are about a thousand reasons why it didn't work out, starting with R providing really half-assed care of my DD. Anyway, I'm getting out. Signing a lease on a SUPER cute apartment on Wednesday. Super cute one bedroom, great location, good neighborhood. I'm excited, in most ways. Glad to have My Own Space again. Not exactly glad to start over, but I think things will come together in the next few weeks.

Over the last six weeks or so, I've fallen in love with a good friend of mine. It sucks. I told him over a month ago that I had feelings for him, and he's been Mr. Mixed Signals ever since. He just kept saying "I don't know...I don't know..." and being completely inarticulate about what was going on. Meanwhile, we've been dating, for all intents and purposes. Had a couple of hot makeout sessions.

He says he is honestly interested in a relationship with me, but feels he needs to be single right now. Gave me the "It's not you, it's me" line--to which I said that line NEVER means that, and he said that sometimes, it really does. He said it in a way that made me believe him. He's pretty sincere, he's not an asshole intentionally. Anyway. There's tons of chemistry, great conversation, I love learning from him and how I feel when I'm with him. I'd even settle for friends with benefits, but he's of the mind that that's too complicated. I have a feeling that my feelings for him will end up cutting me off from the otherwise great friendship that we have. We hold hands all of the time--tonight, IN THE PROCESS of talking for the umpteenth time about us, he instigated the hand holding at least three times.

He keeps saying "I don't know..." and then saying that he needs to be single so he can go on this mental journey of self-reflection and growth. He needs to study for the GRE, apply for grad school, read, play guitar, and just be alone for at least a few months, he's said. Which I guess is fine, and I want to stay friends with him, but it's too painful for me to keep hoping he'll come around, and any time I talk to him I hope he'll come around. He keeps bringing up the conversation about us, and I keep saying that it's fine, and I support what he needs to do, etc. But HE won't drop it. Which tells me maybe he's not sure? I frankly think he's just being a coward. And I'm fucking sick of it, because I want to be happy; I want to find someone to share my life with.

Listed the apartment like three days ago. Have two viable applicants, both of whom REALLY want the place and can move in October 1. That's in like two weeks. So I wouldn't have a gap between tenancies...and I didn't have to pay to advertise the place!

Okay, not ENTIRELY, we'll be taking ourselves, the pets, and the houseplants in the car. And my grandparents' clock, because I don't trust it to the USPS. But everything else that is worth keeping would actually go into storage here (just a few pieces) or get packed into a box and sent west. Am I crazy?

I have determined this to be the cheapest option, considering I'm not 100% sure I'll still be there in two years.

However, I did get another feather in the cap of the little man yelling "you should move out there!" at me: I got a preliminary job offer, pending reference checks. AmeriCorps, mind you, not Job so to speak. But it would be an AWESOME position for me, helping a population I have a deep alliance with and affinity for, in the two fields (education and social service) that I love best, utilizing my second language. And getting bookoo federal aid in the process. JUST in time when I was supposed to have to start paying on that Stafford loan again after the LAST AmeriCorps stint.

Aaaand I've gotten myself in the doghouse a wee bit, by being more sexually free here than milady is comfortable with at this point. *sigh* How is it that I'm too freespirited even for a poly relationship? I'm hoping this will settle down after 6-12 months.

Okay, not really a midnight musing when it's written at ten after 1 a.m., but you know, I'm sticking with it.

I'm moody and it's after 4 a.m., so what else will I do but write. I just finished reading _Middlesex_ by Jeffrey Eugenides. Awesome book, but a hard read in a lot of ways. Takes you back to the insecurities of life, the pains, rejections. It's a very enlightening book, too, though. Mainly about Greek culture and, on a basically unrelated note, a particular intersex condition. Fascinating. I checked it out, sparked by my neighbor girl's curious whisperings that L@dy G@g@ is intersexed. I realized while we were having that conversation (in which I probably opened her mind a little farther than she wanted it to be) that I know very little about intersexuality, and decided to start doing some research. I'm fascinated.

On other fronts, I'm depressed. I think 60% of it is due strictly to having been unemployed (well, okay, SEVERELY UNDERemployed) for over four months, now. I'm job hunting now in Washington, and I have some hope in some ways, but not for anything deeply fulfilling. I just need to get back on the horse and have a reason to actually get out of bed in the morning and, oh, put deodorant on. The lack of structure and schedule is making it so that I never get ANYTHING done. It's a huge deal if I actually do a load of laundry or a sinkful of dishes. Pathetic.

I'm hopeful but realistic about the relationship. I'm soooo excited to be out there and hold my loves again. They've had some rough times the last couple of weeks, and while I don't maintain some goofy fantasy of resolving everything, some issues will be made better by my being there. But I'm dreading the actual moving. The leaving. Not the arriving somewhere new, I'm kinda excited about that, but it's the leaving I'm sad for.

I'm calling the university's graduate school counseling program to see if they can get me in a couple of times before the move. I need to talk. I need to talk about the relationship in an emotionally safe environment where I don't feel like I'm automatically going to be on the defensive. I need to voice my fears about the move without people questioning my choice. This is something I need to at least try, and if I'm back in six months or a few years, then at least I know.

My mom still can't talk about that with me, but we are at least talking again. We were supposed to have a family reunion here in town before I left (pretty coincidental timing). While usually these projects fall apart by day 2 or 3 of the actual reunion, this one was aborted before full gestation due to the drama that is my extended family. I'm somewhat thankful to be spared said drama, but I am very hurt that I'm not going to see Dad before I move. Mom said he isn't coming now because it would just be to see me, and seeing me makes him really emotional because of my moving. With his MS, getting worked up really drains him, and he doesn't bounce back to 100%. I wouldn't want to feel guilty for basically making his MS worse, but damn, I wish he and Mom could just spare me their grief, right now. I'm moving to a different time zone, not a different country, and planes fly fast. They'll probably see us as much living there as they do here, because lord knows no one can make that drive more than 2-3 times per year.

Oh, and last night, I ended up having sex with a good friend of mine. He's in the single parents group as an assistant organizer. He's like 47, if I remember right. (Yeah, I'm 25. Yeah, his eldest child is the same age as my little brother.) Usually the transition from friends to friends with benefits is fairly smooth for me, but I really care about him and he's not in the greatest emotional state these days (horrible divorce). I'll talk to him tomorrow to get the phone number for that counseling department, and hopefully things won't be weird. We talked about it a fair amount, and he basically said only time will tell. He's been on my mind a lot today; I hope he doesn't regret it. I hope he doesn't regret me.

Hey all!

I figured I would post a more light-hearted update, as opposed to the poly drama I've had going on the last month.

I'm working on a yellow ~1975 Schwinn Collegiate (like this one) at the community bike workshop/collective.

All I have to do is buy new tires & tubes, and put in another 2 hours of sweat equity, and she's all mine! The way it works is you pick out a trashed donated bike you like, claim it, put in 7 volunteer hours helping other folks with their bikes or helping sort parts and stuff in the shop, then fix up your bike using checklist and the help of the volunteer mechanics, and you get your bike. For mine, the tires weren't at the workshop because they're a wonky Schwinn-specific size. If I were to get a new Collegiate, it would be $400. If I were to buy a used one in the condition it is now (after I've taken everything apart, cleaned everthing, re-lubed everything, etc) it would be ~$150.

Every Wednesday is ladies night, no guys allowed in the shop including the mechanics, so I've had a couple of awesome women helping me. Then it's not crowded with guys who just want to jump in and do shit for me (which makes me so mad, but for some reason I don't voice it). And it's much more kid-friendly on ladies night.

I knew NOTHING about bike repair before going there, but everyone was so helpful and stuff, I can now help troubleshoot and repair bikes no problem. Truing the wheels, repairing hubs, patching flats, lots of stuff. I feel all empowered and shit. AND, I'm going to love having this labor of love so much that I'll probably ride it more than I would have had I just spent the money on a bike, and I know how to change a flat, figure out those squeaks, etc. Now I just need a job I can commute to, and we're set!

I am SUCH a fan of the bike workshop, right now.