dynamom's blog

dynamom
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Last seen: 21 weeks 1 day ago
Joined: 09/19/2006

Maybe I was naive

to think we could jump into a open-adoption-type scenario.

We had a mediation, they surrendered their rights to us. We all agreed to one more visit. They get a ride to our county for the visits--so dh and I spoke to several people there to verify that yes, they would definitely get one more ride out to see us. After that we'd be in touch (having exchanged cell #s and a safe address) and play it by ear.

Over the past two years, the boys' bio-parents and I (I drive little guy to the visits) have come to have a really nice relationship. We'd never talk about anything heavy but we got along fine, we acknowledged the love each of us has for the children, we laughed together at the silly things they'd do. We'd beam with pride at their little accomplishments.

Them surrendering to us is something I had wished for but was hard, emotionally, anyway. We grieved for them.

I prepared for the last visit--assembled a beautiful birthday gift for Mom, wrote a nice card for both of them, put a picture in a frame for Dad--and then the driver called me.
He can't find them. He called both of their cell #s several times the day before the visit as well as the morning of. No answers. He swung by their place to see if he could find them. He couldn't.
He said we'd try again in two weeks, but I don't know if they'll turn up then either.

At first I thought, well, it was just too hard for them. But then I began to wonder if they relapsed. They've been clean, working their program, doing so well--I really had hope for their futures. And I'm so concerned for them now.

I called the worker the next day to see if she had any plans to see them again. Nope, once they surrender her obligation to them is over. Which, from a pragmatic point of view I guess makes sense but when you think about what social work means (at least to me), it's not "work with these people until they surrender and then wash your hands of them." Really? She's not obligated to even check on them?

She, being human, said she would try to call them, though. But we both think they won't answer.

I boxed up the gifts and mailed it to the address they gave us.
Now I wait for two weeks and see.

I do have their cell phone numbers, but I won't call, not yet. I am considering texting them a day or two before the next attempt.
So many people in my community have told me they've been praying for me during the past two years of not knowing. I'm systematically getting to each of them to ask them to take me off the prayer list and add the boys' bio parents instead.

And so I come here to do the same. I know many of the newer mamas here don't know me but I also know there are many of you here that have been reading along and sending me vibes for two years now. Please send them to Z's bio mama and papa now.

Thanks.
xo

dynamom
Offline
Last seen: 21 weeks 1 day ago
Joined: 09/19/2006

Baby Z update

He's not so much a baby anymore, going to be 2 in a month. (How does that always happen so fast?) There's so much to say, it would really take me all day to type it out so I am going to try my best to be succinct.
Backstory for those that don't know/remember:
We became licensed foster parents in order to adopt.
Got baby E placed with us rather quickly. He was abandoned at the hospital, dad unknown, mom homeless & addicted, no other family to speak of (aside from his other siblings whom have all been adopted and I am in touch with)
Though there were no complications, it still took over 2 years to adopt him.

Right before his 2nd birthday, they called us about baby Z, also waiting at the hospital. Z is his biological brother. We said yes immediately. We thought it'd be the same.

A few weeks after he came home they told us we'd have to start visits with his parents.
This knocked me for a loop. I used to long for any tidbit of information about their mother to share with them, when I met her for the first time (I had to drive the baby to his visits) I almost hyperventilated. At the time she didn't know I had E and I wasn't comfortable with her meeting him yet.

At first they were still using and they looked terrible. Visits were not consistent. (Supposed to be every 2 weeks for 2 hours, supervised at an office) Then they went to rehab for many months and the baby was getting a ride to see them instead. When I finally saw them again I almost didn't recognize them...skin, hair, eyes so much healthier. Improvement you could see.

At that point E's adoption was finalized and I felt comfortable bringing him with me to drop-offs. He was shy at first but now he is very comfortable with seeing his birth mom and I always let them play for a bit when we drop off and pick up Z.

It was really really REALLY hard on me for awhile but the visits have turned out to be a blessing. I have a good rapport with them and it meant so much to me that we all hugged at the last visit before xmas. They trust me and defer to me on if it's okay to feed Z something or not. They see how happy and wonderful both boys are and how much they love each other and me. Z constantly calls me "mama, mama, mama" and if it hurts her she doesn't show it.

Now it is really hard for me to think of what comes next because in April there will be a trial in which most likely their rights to him will be terminated. I have let the courts know that I fully intend to stay in touch with them but it will never be like it is now with visits twice a month. They won't be getting rides to my county for visits anymore and once the rights are terminated, the state stays out of it. So if I want to get together I'm going to have to arrange it. I wish there were resources for us to utilize--I have some worries about doing this alone. My biggest fear being them relapsing, though of course I hope that does not happen. They are doing well, she's working on her GED, they are engaged...but jobs are very hard to find right now and they're still living with family.

The trial is mid-April (actually on E's 4th birthday). The judge has (and will probably take) 30 days to make a decision. Once their rights are terminated, they have 45 days to appeal. If the appellate court approves of it, that process could take another year. So this could be a long, long road ahead of me yet.

Or their rights could be terminated and they could decide not to appeal.

Or their rights could be not terminated and then I just don't know what I would do. It pretty much destroys me to think about that, so I just don't anymore.

We didn't know this is what we were getting into when we said yes to Z but of course even if we did, we would have said yes anyway.

And that is the BRIEF version of what's been going on....

dynamom
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Last seen: 21 weeks 1 day ago
Joined: 09/19/2006

Not a thing a day but a lot of things nonetheless

I've been inspired by thing-a-day but can't quite keep up. Am very happy with the things I've been doing and thought I'd share some...
Well first of all for any that remember the tattoo that huck designed for me, she did it when I had 3 kids. I had to get little Z added on. If he was at the end of the toy line he'd be way in my armpit Wink Also, he's not adopted and his fate is still kind of up in the air, but he's still my baby, so I wanted him a little different.
Voila! My little whirlwind. This is when it was brandy-new, it's not so red now!
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(Oh and for the curious, the rest of it when IT was brandy-new:
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Here's some seed paper. I've wanted to do this for awhile. It's made like recycling paper (equal parts ripped up paper and water in the blender, then hand mix wildflower seeds in, spread on screen, push/roll water out, let dry for several days) When it's dry we'll make cards that people can plant.
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Here are some gift bags made out of an old cool calendar and some ribbon that came tied around my new comforter:
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And this fabric I got at the thrift shop, made these skirts for dd and her doll. We want to dye them red.
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This isn't all of it but enough for now! And I've been inspired enough to invite some ladies over in a few weeks for a night of crafty fun. Thanks Mercury for helping me fuel my crafty fires with the thing a day challenge!

dynamom
Offline
Last seen: 21 weeks 1 day ago
Joined: 09/19/2006

The top ten

1. Getting the fire re-started with no match usage
2. Finding a few sticks for kindling (quickly and easily) instead of trying to use the axe to chop pieces off of a log (which I hate to do and shouldn't without a full cup of coffee in me at least)
3. Vivid dreams
4. Pink striped sky sunrises that rapidly change to orangey-yellow stripes
5. Can't find the dog downstairs means she snuck up to sleep with dd again. Dh doesn't like this but I think it is cute.
6. The xmas tree in the dining room...it's so much better in here than the living room. Doesn't get on my nerves at all.
7. Kids' piles of loot under the tree. I used to love to have my own stash under the tree for awhile that didn't need to be put away...
8. Playdate planned for this morning means I won't be all cabin-feverish again today
9. Little guy's recent language explosion
10. My two older kids' blow-by-blow accounts of their individual sleepovers and who had a better one. I like that my dd kept mentioning that she had a lot of butter as her selling point.

dynamom
Offline
Last seen: 21 weeks 1 day ago
Joined: 09/19/2006

Well I made it to the salon

I forgot how much more...lady-like, for lack of a better word...I feel when I have two distinct eyebrows. And my hair feels very soft...though my sister (my beautician) cannot stand that I won't let her cover up my grays!
Now to schedule that chiropractor appointment...but I don't think I'll get that in before Xmas. Baby steps...

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