that was struggling with being in love with someone that was not her husband. I remember some insightful posts on that thread and was wondering if anyone remembers who it was that was going through this.

TIA - LM

I know it's been awhile but I wrote this up after making it last night and thought I'd share Hope you are all well, i couldn't even begin to tell you what's been going on here, but it's mostly good Miss you all!

http://www.hipmama.com/node/44273

Does anyone know what happened to all the past blogs? Mine have all disappeared...Susan?? Help!

W00! Thank you mamas for your vibes. Next step is to get her some help. Which will probably include lawyers we can't afford...but she's OK. She's OK. *SIGH OF RELIEF*

lm

I know, i"m such a poor weather friend...but I really need your vibes mamas.

My Grandma (and the woman who raised me for the first 7 years of my life) was rushed to the hospital a few hours ago. She is in a coma but stable for the moment. I'm thousands of miles away with NO WAY to get there. The really effed up part? I'm supposed to visit her in 2 weeks.......

I really hope I get the chance...

****
(ETA)...

Latest news is that she opened her eyes, squeezed the doctor's hands and wiggled her tos when asked. She's improving but still nowhere close to out of harms way. They are pretty sure she had a stroke (she also had a seizure in the ambulance on the way to the hospital) and has meningitis. Apparently she'd been laying on the floor for 2 days after falling. This is the 3rd time in the last 6 months that this has happened. Her husband was there helping her eat, drink and cleaning her depends when she needed it but he's disabled and they apparent;y didn't want help until it got really bad.

I don't know how to wrap my mind around this.

lm

"Honey, cats don't go in the oven".

Wanna add yours? I know you've got them!

Things in the lunarfamily home are just so overwhelmingly grim at the moment. It's nothing all the rest of you aren't going through. Lack of money, too many bills, uncertainty about the future, health issues, personal issues, isolation, lack of space (my own), you get the point.

I'm all kinds of grumpy and overwhelmed. I got accepted into a healing program in CA but there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I can attend. I'd need over $5,000 to go, SO NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. This completely depresses me. Like to no end. I know that the universe will provide if it's what I need/really want. But I can't even muster enough desire to let the universe know that is what I want. I've given up on making it happen. I feel like a failure. For more reasons than this, but this is a big one.

I haven't seen my family back in Seattle for almost 2 years. And it looks like that won't happen anytime soon. We rotate years between the families. One in the Netherlands then one in Seattle, but this year we went to NL in April and then DH went back alone for the funeral. We are still paying for the $1000 last minute plane ticket and his time off (over $1500) for the funeral alone. We've gone overdraft 5 times in the last 6 months (this never happens) because his checks were all fuckered up and over $200 short each pay period because we had to pay back his unpaid time off because they didn't count it when he actually took it. There is just no money (or credit) to make my trip home happen. DH said he could take time off and let me go back alone but there really is NO MONEY, at all. Period.

I haven't had a break from my kids for more than 2 hours in over a year. My husband has had over two weeks away from the kids on vacation and going back to the NL for a funeral. Not to mention the 8-9 hours a day that he is gone. I know he works hard. i know it's stressful and unsatisfying to work where he does. But really he's gone 9 hours a day, away from the kids...we live in different worlds and he has NO CLUE how hard this shit is. I went into debt to get him back to the Netherlands. I don't regret that, however I do feel like my needs ALWAYS get put on the back burner. They are not a priority to anyone but me. It's not that I don't ask for it. And it's not that he doesn't want to give it. It's just that usually, by the time I'm like "Listen, I NEED to do this/get time/etc" there is no money/he's out of vacation time/someone gets sick (me included). It's my job to make this stuff a priority but I feel trapped. Without an end in sight. In fact I feel like everything is unraveling.

I also have some pretty scary health issues I'm dealing with. It sucks. I'm the only one who knows about them because I don't trust my doctor, and even if I did I can't afford to go (even though we pay over $300 a month for health insurance).

Winter is not helping. The lack of sun, or ability to go outside (TOO DAMN COLD) and also the fact that we have only one car and DH works all damn day make me feel trapped. It also doesn't help that Dee is out of school for 2 weeks (DH gets time off work, Dee gets time off school, DH isn't here the two half days a week he's usually here to take Dee to school... MY WORK DOUBLES! - How fucking awesome is that?) And then he says "Well, at least you don't have to go out to go to work"...WTF?!?! Seriously? I'd KILL to GET OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE, especially to work. At least then I'd feel like I had some power over my situation, and maybe get to poop alone once in awhile. I've been out 4 times in three weeks, only once was to go do something I *wanted* to do (Make body products for Christmas presents that I am now too poor to mail). I'm going crazy.

I took myself out for dinner last night. It was nice but I couldn't afford it. I'm not going to feel guilty about it but it will have it's repercussions.

I effing hate this.

Any "getting through this" vibes would be greatly appreciated. Or advice, or whatever. Anything. I just need to feel like I'm not crazy, 'cause I do right now. I really, really do. And I'm terribly, terribly sad.

I'm sending all my vibes out to all of you. I know you all are dealing with your own shit. Thanks for reading.

Much love,
LM

1. Reconnected with an old friend whom I care for very much. It's been 6 years but somehow we always kept tabs on each other. We managed to TALK today (via IM), for a long time, and it was awesome. We are still an ocean apart but I'm glad to have this person back in my life.
2. Found out a mom at Dee's School is way cooler than I at first imagined, I was drawn to her immediately and our kids totally hang out at school. She loves the same music I do. For an ex-goth/industrial DJ that is a pretty cool thing to find.
3. Dee wanted to be a fairy princess today and listed all the things one needs (Crown, wings, wand and dress!) and we went off to look for them, fully adorned from her dress up box she let me take photos of her and even posed for me. It's nice to feel connected to my photography again, and to be doing it with Dee was awesome!
4. baby K took a long nap today!
5. DH got to come home early!
6. We got cool winterboots for Dee in the mail, lightning fast. Thanks eBay!
7. My awesome step-mother sent us a $200 Target giftcard! W00t...mama and papa get gifts this year too!
8. Cute dresses from friends.
9. Cuter undies from Macys.
10. Happiness.

That is how long it's been since I've posted. My last post was not overly happy but was definitely very real, which is where I've been all this time. In the REALLY REAL of life. I cannot even begin to recount all that has happened but here is a short list.

*My Girl started KINDERGARTEN! (She was 3 months old when I started here!) at an amazing nature school!
*Baby K will be TWO next month (what??).
*Diagnosed with Celiac after losing 20 pounds in 6 weeks and not being able to eat more than vegan jello for several months.
*Switched the family to Gluten free (mostly, hubby still has bread and cereal around sometimes but it's kept far away from the rest of the food) and am now attempting to not get cross contaminated every time I want to go out. Challenging and painful when I miss the mark but it's saving us A LOT of money (no more eating out!).
*Started working for a maternity boutique. It decided to close after bombing at trying to move to a new location. I saved it! No really, that's what I DO (small business solutions). It'll be open at least one more year and is making profit right now because of my efforts!! I had a really challenging time with the owner. Stepped back and asked for what I was worth, she balked, I stayed my course. She figured out she was looking at it wrong, She offered me more than I asked for (still hasn't paid, but that's another mater) and asked me to stay on. I declined the job but it was a good experience in patience, communication and asking for what I'm worth.
* I now have at least one more business asking for my help. Good to know that the education and 10 years in retail (including management and inventory) is ACTUALLY GOING SOMEWHERE.
*I'm involved in a project starting a women centered retail co-op selling maternity to eternity fashion, gifts, personal care (including cloth diapers and pads...hey mamas we need consigners!) and housewares for the whole family in Milwaukee. It's really picking up steam and I'm STOKED!
*My house is finally looking like a home. I'm still have renters brain and get anxious when I find more crayon on the wall or drag a piece of furniture across the hardwoods only to realize there is a big scratch where I moved it, but then I realize...It's MY wall and MY floor and if *I* don't care it's not a big deal!
*Have had visits from my mother-in-law, father-in-law, best friend and soon my sister/cousin all since august. I LIKE when people come to me!
*My Husband's Grandma (beppe) died 2 months ago and though it cost us a small fortune for him to go home for the funeral I felt blessed that I've cleaned up my credit enough to go in debt again (lol). His Beppe was one of the only people that really, unreservedly took me in and loved me when lived in the NL. Despite (or maybe because) of our inability to communicate in the same language we became very close and I miss her terribly. That DH could go was a gift I was so honored to give him. There really is more joy in giving, especially in times like that.
*I've become a fa*ebook whore. It's worse than mIrc was in the 90s. Dude. But I still love all you mamas and still have postcards and CDs for a long ago swap I joined and never got out. I hope you are all having a wonderful Holiday Season!

Much love!
LM

The baby is too sick.
I am so deeply saddened.
I cannot even comprehend the mama's pain.

Please send comforting vibes to Kris (and baby), Tony and Malcom in Seattle, they'll need all they can get.