So I stayed up until 12:30 last night making lunch and breakfast for my son and folding laundry, doing dishes, scrubbing candy stains out of his Halloween costume, etc. etc. and I was so wound up I couldn't get to sleep until 1:30 but I felt really good about it because I thought I was making sure he would have a good day with his father today. I even let his dad crash on the couch at 2am after work because I felt bad for him- he decided to drop out of his college courses for the semester because he feels too overwhelmed.
I am a serial monogamist. I am now finally and nearly completely single as soon as he moves his stuff out. I am relieved in a way but very, very sad as well. I am sad that I'm not as sad as I could be. I don't want to be sad but I would feel more sad if I wasn't even a little sad. I don't know what the hell I want. I am afraid that if there is no one to hear my thoughts the impact my life will have on this world will be close to zero, and I'm afraid that if I am living alone all winter I'll become my sometime introverted self and my relationship with the human race will evaporate.
"You don't measure up to the expectation, when you're unemployed, there's no vacation. No one cares, no one sympathizes. You just stay home and play synthesizers."
My partner (with whom I've been having a difficult time separating from) was laid off his new job after only a month- not his fault- but it puts us in a pretty bad financial spot. My partner received word that his father is dying YESTERDAY and has gone to be with him- I had to decide not to let him move back in for the reason that we simply can't afford to have him stay- I need food, shelter, all that kind of assistance right now. And the separation had been something we have been talking about since March. So....
I am really concerned about my almost two year old. I feel guilty that I will have to put him in daycare shortly (but I'm trying to be positive about it) I've worked so hard being a full-time mom and going to school part time the whole time as well as cooking all meals and being an activist and I've managed to get by so far without daycare and get straight A's. The problem is, I feel like I've destroyed the good home I've tried to create for my son by fighting with his father in front of him so much that he starts to get nervous and act out now even when we are just talking to eachother.
I have a new crush on my younger brother's friend. I have known him for years (he is only 2 years younger than me) but oh god, when I went out the other night with my best friend and her finance (who is my brother's best friend) he was there and danced with me and he is funny and cute and sexy and smart and likes Cuban music and led me while we danced and is confident and I can't stop thinking about him. I'm making myself sick.
and I suspect he has some potentially serious mental health issues, bordering on the very strange, obsessing about a band (stalker-like online behavior), believing he had a winning lottery ticket he never cashed in, stuff that is fantastical and delusional.