I just have this vague idea that people watch each others kids to get hours from the pot.

Any more info from anyone who has actually done such a thing would be great. Thinking of starting one in my new digs. Thanks!

This all seems dramatic, but I did just wake up from a cold sweat. 5 am.

Realized that the place I was planning on interning at doesn't want me doing anything other than layout- the decision of which is probably not based on time restraints or availability (like I was told), but based on the one and only design for a leaflet I sent them, which in my nightmare was ugly as hell.

1 piece. It might actually be ugly as hell- I'd post it here but I don't want to for privacy reasons.

My portfolio sucks. I have a 3.6 or something gpa and my portfolio sucks. Beyond going to court with my family, being a single mama, dealing with my abusive ex's attempts to thwart me, shitty redneck neighbors (until recently) & other heartbreaks galore- I have not been able to make my portfolio a priority.

I feel like I have potential- but my son will always come first- it's not as though I can just call up his dad if I have a design project that I need more time for.

Either I continue on my current path and hope that I have what it takes to become a designer despite my heart not being sure about fully being in it in the first place (I never dreamt of doing this for a living & I question working on computers- I'd rather be painting/doing photography, or gasp! a writer) or I throw in the towel and start down another path. If the place I was attempting to build an internship at- whose current free design leaves a lot to be desired- doesn't get back to me about poster specs because they are afraid of what I'll produce- it's either all or nothing at this point. How can I ever be competitive if I don't have the help raising my child that I need? I mean, I know it's possible because there are mamas out there like Meds who are going to Oxford (yay Meds!) but in my world these things just seem so out of reach.

Okay. So that is definitely dramatic. Maybe I shouldn't quit until I have actually worked on my portfolio- then, if it's awful- I'll have learned to accept failure???? Wait! I want a guarantee that I will be a good designer! I was concentrating more on my grades than anything else these past 2 years.

I thought that design would be a chance for us to make good enough money one day so that we could have the quality of life I had hoped for- nothing too extravagant, just enough to get by without having to worry. Enough to take frugal vacations. I'm so disheartened. Even if I have what it takes I feel sure that being a single mom will just destroy my competitive edge completely. I never got to go to art college like I wanted to and so this is how I settled. The economy sucks. If there ever was a time to be competitive, the time is now.

1 piece! Which might have been ugly but hey- give me feedback so I can fix it, right? I don't even get a faculty adviser at my college as a continuing ed student- it's very geared towards young designers who have the time & are highly competitive. I'm the only graphic design major who is a single mother who lives with her child in the entire program.

I am one miserable person. I can't believe it took me that long to figure out that they think I'm that shitty a designer.

I always thought I had it in me......do I? Do I need these challenges to bring it out? I have so little encouragement in my life. I have to be my own little inner cheerleading squad, which DOES NOT come easily or naturally for me. I grew up listening to a woman who was perhaps the most sarcastic person on the planet with incredibly low self-esteem and although she encouraged me, I almost mock myself at times. If I was good, it was to prove that she was a good parent & I was a good child with uber genes. If I wasn't good at something, it was proof that I really didn't have my head screwed on right. Advice?

Can I do this? I know that's a question that I have to ask myself. I just don't know if I can- that's part of the problem, I think, combined with the fact that it's been an incredibly unstable couple of years for me as far as support/security/even friendship go.

My therapist has assigned me to complete a painting as part of our work together- it's me, with a sandbag tied around my leg and a pair of scissors- a field forest behind me with everything that is tied to me in it, and a field before me with all of the possibilities that life has to offer.

Can I do this? My art????

Wow. Mel Gibson's got some problems, huh?

http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2010/07/exclusive-new-audio-mel-gi... The audio version....

Christians apologizing at Pride.

http://www.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2010/06/30/christians-protestin...

Dan Savage is awesome.

Whoops! Not cool- look at the update at the end of the article- http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2010/07/01/re-christians-prote...

Aw. When I first read this when it first came out I felt happy for a moment. Now I think, oh wait, of course....

It's hard to understand the disappointment unless you know what it feels like to be treated as subhuman for being yourself openly.

Shared some of my personal life, what I've had to process with a friend/lover of mine.

He responded by telling me that he thought I needed therapy before I could have a serious relationship. I told him I was in therapy. He is only into fwb and had been hinting that he might want more with me at some point, but I think the whole me having a kid was maybe a little too much for his brain. Nice cop out. Way to be a "friend". I never asked for a serious relationship, now I suddenly feel as though I have been preemptively rejected before we even got there. I'm ignoring him from now on- I resolve to do this- we had been communicating daily- now, I'm through. I don't like his mindset. He's even saying that I'm pushing him away now, that it's all me. I'm not a mindreader, but I don't have a good feeling about this. It kind of feels like "oh, I care for you, you're beautiful, I want u to heal, ur sexy, but wait! in our society today it would be socially acceptable for me to say that you need time and help to heal, thus removing me from any expectations of ever being a real presence in your life" Way to forever be "the good guy"- sleep with chicks, tell them to open up to u and then use what they tell u to say "I don't think you're ready for a real relationship". What does he think, I'm 12?!? I've seen this tactic before. Well good luck to him. I should turn the tables on him if I get a chance- the minute he tells me anything, wait a few days and then tell him how I'm concerned, that I think he needs to wait before sleeping with chicks who aren't even 21, maybe get some therapy...... Asshat.

Is there anything between Steinem and Paglia? They both drive me nuts.

This helps me stick to my core. If you know what I mean.
http://www.unhinderedliving.com/personalrights.html

Growing up a girl in our society- I can't relate to every Sonic Youth song, but this one is something I come back to from time to time. Any thoughts?

The alien girl in the video is strangely comforting to me- I know she might seem creepy, but hey- that's how I feel. Not trying to disturb anyone.

Wish I'd found this song in high school- I discovered the great late 80's stuff (Pixies! I'll never forget the night I heard the album Surfer Rosa for the first time when I was 17- it changed my life!) and lots of the early 90's stuff when I was 17 or 18, some of it in my mid-twenties. Sonic Youth wasn't exactly being played at my middle school dances when they were doing their thing- Nirvana was.

Anyhow.....

Well, I can guess what u ladies would do.

But here's how the rest of the world reacts. Not that this is new knowledge to anyone- I just believe this should get spread around the internet. Like wildfire. Kudos to ABC for covering a topic that most of the world ignores.

http://www.feministing.com/archives/021272.html

The videos are intense to watch and can be a trigger- so be prepared.

This is my answer to wallowing, reading facebook accounts of people going on marvelous vacations with their loved ones. I am feeling incredibly trapped and have decided to get proactive about it, and seek out others who, like me, might feel a bit at a loss when they read about some old high school friend who is lounging around on Laguna Beach with her girlfriends while her incredibly successful, handsome and caring husband worries about taking care of the kids for her.

Sweet!

For being gay, in love and celebrating their engagement.
http://news.yahoo.com/video/world

"Chimbalanga, a 20-year-old hotel janitor, and his unemployed partner were arrested Dec. 27, the day after they celebrated their engagement with a party at the hotel where Chimbalanga worked — an apparent first in Malawi.

"Maximum sentences are intended for use for worst cases," Magistrate Nyakwawa Usiwa Usiwa said as he delivered his sentence. "We are sitting here to represent the Malawi society which I do not believe is ready at this point in time to see its sons getting married to other sons or conducting engagement ceremonies." "

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100520/ap_on_re_af/af_malawi_gay_trial;_ylt...

Lol- I read vkitty's post AFTER posting this! Must be some kind of an affirmation day, hehe. I'm resisting the urge to call myself Stuart Smalley here, because I'm so fucking serious right now. And psyched. Going to ride the wave I'm feeling right now, and I fully expect it to carry me through the summer. Did a lot of thinking about my life this past week, my family....

I have decided that I deserve a good life. I am going to channel all of my energies into healing, and success despite the odds. I know what's up. I'm right on. All of my anger & sadness are going into a place of power. Some people wallow through life with nothing to rage against. I have more than enough for several people to rage against. So no more wallowing. Pure energy, focus, intuition, and life in the now. And once I pull out all of the stops, I think that it's going to be really fucking amazing.

http://www.kickstarter.com/

Just remembered about this site a friend sent me a link to last year- thought it was worth sharing.

I need some inspiration lately. Feeling unwanted and alone, because I am a single mother pursuing a degree- aka folks might want to sleep with me but not BE with me- I have this chance to travel right now and I can't- some movies about single parents with no family support who have their kids the majority of the time and still have good lives, love, and dreams work out for them would be most appreciated right now.

And if I watch Sleepless in Seattle I might just turn into a big marshmallow and explode all over my city, so please don't recommend that. Forrest Gump crossed my mind but the mother isn't the main character- she also screws the principal in order to get her son into school- which would be less than inspiring for me at present. There's the movie with Kate Winslet where she goes to Marrakesh on a spiritual journey with her two daughters, "Hideous Kinky" which I felt that I could relate to emotionally but not in the sense that I would be able to take the risks that the mother does in the film. That's all that came to mind. It seems strange to me that so many movies have two parents as a given, when there MUST be a pretty large population of folks like me, who can't even run to my car outside right now because my son could wake up and miss me and there's NO ONE, EVER to help. I'm feeling pretty goddamn trapped right now and I need to get out of this funk, and once again try to surround myself with more support because my support system has basically crumbled, once again, good old life & circumstance. If my son pops out of bed one more time right now I think I am going to just lie down on the floor and cry.

Try Edna St. Vincent Millay!
http://www.poemhunter.com/edna-st-vincent-millay/poems/

This is a great one from Ms. Millay......

The Penitent

I HAD a little Sorrow,
Born of a little Sin,
I found a room all damp with gloom
And shut us all within;
And, "Little Sorrow, weep," said I,
"And, Little Sin, pray God to Die,
And I upon the floor will lie
And think how bad I've been!"

Alas for pious planning--
It mattered not a whit!
As far as gloom went in that room,
The lamp might have been lit!
My Little Sorrow would not weep,
My Little Sin would go to sleep--
To save my soul I could not keep
My graceless mind on it!

So up I got in anger,
And took a book I had,
And put a ribbon in my hair
To please a passing lad.
And, "One thing there's no getting by--
I've been a wicked girl," said I;
"But if I can't be sorry, why,
I might as well be glad!"

Feel free to chime in with other favorite poet recommendations- Dorothy Parker's a keeper too. I plan to start some real summer reading, so suggestions r welcome. Hopefully I'm not breaking any copyright laws here.

Holy Holy Holy!

"God has used your story to touch me in so many ways! My first marriage didn’t survive my husband or my dirty flaws. Even though God has been SO gracious, so kind, so loving to provide me with a Godly husband now, I don’t take it for granted that I once had that scarlet letter too. And now I am {free}… my eyes fixed on Jesus! Isn’t Grace amazing?!!!"

(On a personal note, Grace IS amazing. Or was, before she turned back to Jebus. Okay, enough said.)

I hear ya sister! God touches me ALL the time! And in so many ways!

Am I allowed to quote comments from blogs at Dirty Girls Ministries???????? http://dirtygirlsministries.com/blog/?p=4480#comments I'll edit this if I can't. Wouldn't want to do something BAD.....

I found this site through this NYTimes article when I was looking at the links on Shade's latest post. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/03/us/03addiction.html?scp=7&sq=&st=nyt

It's like the evil parallel universe Hipmama! Only with talk of husbands rather than kids!

Fuck!

Culturally, I find myself at a loss in America, being such a mutt. Up in the Northeast where my grandmother is from, exist the whitest Native Americans on earth, lol..... Maybe it's because they had much longer than the Western Natives to mix with the mostly white folks who landed here. My grandmother heard so little about her mixed ancestry- her father's side had Abenaki mixed in, but her mother's side was most probably Mohawk- she doesn't even know, because her mother wouldn't talk about it. My gramma grew up a little French Canadian girl, with jet black hair and aunts by marriage who would pour holy water on her and not let her play with her cousins, probably having to do with her mother- at least that's the story. She is disconnected from her mother's side- she was taken to a ceremony as a baby where she received some shoes- that's all she really knows about it- being part Native wasn't exactly seen as a positive thing at the time. Anyhow, misunderstood, marginalized...... the aftermath of losing a whole part of one's ancestral culture is so disconnecting. I want to give her answers. I want her to know that I care about it for her, that I understand that it's not something to blow off or brush aside as trivial, like other members of the family have, as if "Indian Blood" is a joke somehow. I have been trying to do some research into it for her and stumbled across this- It's just some strange school project some guy spliced together this video from the Smithsonian....and maybe it will seem hokey to some of you- but it helps me feel less frustrated somehow. Even the city is Mohawk country....

Fucking America.

Great stuff

~ Somehow pulled off A's and B's this semester even though we were moving, dealing with lots of stuff. I was convinced that I had failed a course. Wept, moved on....found out that I got a B! Unless there is some mistake.

~ Very glad to learn that an old friend of mine I hadn't heard from in a while has just been busy and isn't upset with me for some unknown reason- I was really sad about it. Now I'm relieved.

~ My son. As much as he has been a handful lately being 4 1/2 & dealing with all of the transitions, I have had some of those wonderful moments lately when you just love your child so much your heart feels freaking huge and you catch your breath in amazement that you somehow helped bring such a being into the world. Goddamn, he's sweet and precocious. I just want to smoosh him with kisses right now (but I'd wake him up). April was a rough month for us. I am so proud to be his mom.

~ Spock likes me. I can tell.

Not So Great Things

~ Spock can't visit in June like he thought he would be able to. I won't see him until Sept. We have a million things planned for Sept. (which all involve, um, intimacy). Which means I'm going to have to find someone else who is sweet and sexy and above all quick and hilarious to satiate me until then. And I don't want to. I'm not willing to go for just sex at this point. Which sucks. And I refuse to date. I DON'T DATE. It's not me. I think it's great if other people date. It's just not what I do. And I don't want to find anyone else. I'm tired. And I just like Spock (Spock is my nickname for him). It was stupid of me to let this happen. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and move on with higher standards for partners that I can feel close to but not date. Which is all very confusing for everyone involved. And after he visits in Sept., he's going straight back to Vulcan or the starship Enterprise. So really, I should pretty much forget about him. He's almost an excuse to not allow myself to like anyone here- anyone it's possible to be with in reality. This is becoming a pattern for me. I just can't take the risk of something too real.

Actually life is pretty darn good right now. And maybe it's better that he can't come, because otherwise I'd have a chance to get more attached to him, and it already hurts enough that I'm not going to see him for forever. Something changed in me when we were together. Something in my heart that has been shut for a really really long time opened up again. So now, at least, I cannot get sucked into the liking-someone-a-whole-lot-vortex.

I'm going to ignore him for a while. And go swimming with my kid, and pick strawberries, start up my internship again, and get some sleep! 'Night ya'll!

I've picked up these items like, 40 goddamn times and not known what the hell to do with them. In total, they probably add up to hours of me not knowing what the fuck to do.

Cords for a heated massage chair that I bought for my mom, whom I don't have contact with anymore.

A Mardi Gras mask that a dear friend gave me as a tacky travelling gift that freaks me the fuck out.

A couple of photos and cards from people that just bring up bad associations.

A book on orgasming that sucks, that I don't feel like passing onto any woman or trying to sell-

Stuff like that.

As a person who hates to help fill up a landfill, but just doesn't have the time to do anything with these objects except keep them in piles and move them from closet to closet and waste time thinking and writing about them- I just want the okay from the hipmama world to chuck them. Call me weird, but I always get this nagging guilt when I throw away stuff, even if it's just weighing me down. I can chuck it, right???? It's better for me. I'm not evil for throwing away old gifts or pictures of people I can't stand, or old Jesusy x-mas cards, right???

And yes I'm insomniacal.

I got excellent grades as a child & I attended a great school with lots of funding. I did 6 sports a year, writer's forum, student council, was in school plays, got perfect scores of the CAT test in 5th grade, sang in chorus, played the viola for 6 years, took AP classes, led weekend retreats for youth, went to church camp, went to nature camp, went to soccer camp, went to basketball camp, was in the strings training orchestra, represented my church with other youth at national conferences, was an altar girl, my school team won our State's Odyssey of the Mind and went to Washington in 8th grade. Was in the High Honor Society.

I was having panic attacks by 3rd grade and having to go to relaxation meetings with guidance counselors. As soon as I had done my allotted hours of homework I would run off into the woods and stay there until dark. Although my family was always worried about money and hadn't managed to save any for me for college, I was told that I wouldn't have to worry about it, that I would get scholarships, that I would get into great schools, that I could get into the nearby Ivy League college.

By 14 I was dating a bad boy I had met in theater class- he went on to be the lead singer in a band and used me as a cover for his shadier undertakings without me really knowing. By 15 I was leading a secret life as bad-boy girlfriend and having sex about 3 times a day with this guy. Didn't see the signs that he would become abusive because I had no basis for comparison. Still kept my grades up. Worked at a coffee shop after school, saved up money, bought a car. Was still a good girl, but people no longer made fun of me for getting good grades.

By 17 my familial relationships had all but dissolved (not because of the boyfriend, mind you- or school- other, personal familial issues), I was exhausted, and I had no desire to fulfill everyone's expectations of me. I finished high school basically living out of my car and in an apt. with some guys who in local bands. Graduated with honors, missed graduation. By 18 I was supporting myself and my LAIDBACK, new, kinder and gentler (but alcoholic) boyfriend for the next year working full-time for little more than minimum wage.

Now, at 30, I wonder if perhaps if things would have been quite so extreme for me had I felt as though I could have a little more breathing room, a little more freedom, and a little bit more of a chance to "fuck-up". It was such a relief to be "cashier-girl." To live the simple life- it was also really fucking depressing. I still deal with my sense of having failed somehow- it hinders me in my life almost daily.

So, uh, now that I'm off of the soapbox....anyone else want a turn? This isn't a competition- I'm not trying to be like "I was all that and LOOK at me now..." truly, I HATE COMPETING. I'm trying to highlight the way that pressure to succeed really helped to send me in the other direction. For anyone who has read Women Who Run With the Wolves- my wildish nature was being squashed the fuck out- simultaneously ignited & squashed by high school boyfriend, and basically squashed by society, community, family, etc. The myth of the "good girl", lol......

Thoughts? Besides the fact that I just wrote an assload of stuff there and went on about myself a lot, and spilled some personal shit?

I still feel like I'm some kind of failure for letting stress get to me. I was supposed to be a high functioning being, I was supposed to use my talents, I was supposed to make the world a better place, and now I hear it's not too late it's not too late its not too late and I think wait- do I really want all that??? A great comeback? HA! To WHAT?!? Or maybe I just want to be accepted for who I am, ME, Birdie????? For once- without grades, without expectations, without credentials. Me all puffy and covered in hives for days like I was once in the hospital, unrecognizable. Me all sad instead of perky or cheerful. Me imperfect and unreasonable or too verbose or being too dreamy. Just ME, at any given moment, past or future aside. Me WITH TYPOS. When the fuck is THAT going to happen???

Ungrats

So I have a massive amount of schoolwork to accomplish before the end of the semester and the kiddo had diarrhea all day today, along with a sore throat and fever.

What can you do, right?

A few things I won't even bother mentioning.

My wrinkles & silver hairs have started to exponentially increase in the last month or two. Found a silver pubic hair, found a freaking silver eyelash. I'm 30.

Some of my classmates are agitating me with their holier-than-thou attitudes- I want to defend myself, but I don't want to seem like a whiner, and I recognize that I sometimes take breaks from my work to, say, write on hipmama but they really don't know the half or it and I'm damned if I'm going to open up about the stressors of the past year in an attempt to defend not making it to every single class, getting behind with schoolwork, etc. because it's none of their goddamn business. It still sucks. I am tempted from time to time to spill the beans in some dramatic fashion and I have childish fantasies that they will burst into tears after hearing my story and feel shitty for being so snoody and reconsider their perspective on the world a bit and perhaps be better people for it in the future, but then I feel like an ass. It's not my job. So I just suck it up and take it. It's nobody's fucking business.

GRATS!

I don't have lymphoma. Yay! I do have a large number of swollen lymph nodes all over my body and no neck fat, so I'm trying to get used to looking lumpy. It's a good thing that I have long hair.

I had a surprisingly sweet romantic interlude with a guy I've been friends with for years and years now. We both dated the same woman 9 years ago, and became friends after but we've never been sweet on each other until now. He's nothing like I expected him to be. He was so gentle, considerate, tender, gah! I've thought he was such a dick for years now- well, he is- a hilarious one, but I never expected to feel so cared for. Maybe it was sexual tension but we've antagonized the heck out of each other for years. I got to play electric guitar the other day while he was visiting town, and he played the drums. I hadn't spoken to him for a whole year because we had a falling out, and apparently it bothered him enough that he came as close to apologizing as he does about it and I came as close to accepting his apology as I do and we had really, really amazing, um, times together during Easter, which I spent sans family (even kid, who was with his dad). He's coming back to town in June.

My ex-fiance is re-engaged after 10 years. I know this could go under ungrats, but I'm kind of relieved to know that door is closed. I miss him still sometimes, but we were too much.

I recently moved, and my new place is AMAZING. I'm 5 minutes walk from a beautiful lake, I have a built in dishwasher, wonderful new neighbors, and I'm feeling more peaceful here than I have in years, apart from my schoolwork woes.

Although the rumor that her legs had been insured for $1 million a piece turned out to be a rumor leaked by MGM......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YWBOfsXsDA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuJxYmJlEHY&NR=1

BTW, Cyd Charisse was 30 years old and mother to a 10 and 2 year old when she performed that number in Singing in the Rain, 31 during Bandwagon........

At the risk of sounding cliché.....DAMN, that was one hot mama.

Um, this is the Onion so be prepared for things like 8 year old profanity....... graphic descriptions of bedwetting...... lol...

http://www.theonion.com/articles/ah-great-i-think-i-got-a-goddamned-mons...

So the first YouTube video I EVER favorited was these kids, and it was called "My Hands Are Bananas" (a silly spoof on German film). This one came out 3 weeks ago. I love these kids, lol...