Birdie's blog

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It's been a while.

Sat, 06/09/2012 - 20:23 -- Birdie

I graduated from college! Got a job in my field. Love what I do.

Waiting to have an ultrasound on my throat to determine whether or not I have thyroid issues, waiting for more blood test results. My mother had Hashimoto's Disease, so I'm genetically predisposed. Trying to psych myself up to being able to deal with the results, whatever they may be.

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Reflections on Dec. 24th

Sat, 12/24/2011 - 16:38 -- Birdie

I have had shit luck in love.
I have had shit luck in the surviving members of my family, excluding my son.
HOWEVER,
I fucking amaze myself.
I keep going & going.
I got all A's this past semester, while interning while working at my college and I will most likely graduate with honors in the Spring.
As long as I don't let the bastards get me down, I can accomplish incredible things.
I am one of the strongest people I know.
I love myself.

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Experiment of the Day

Wed, 11/23/2011 - 09:15 -- Birdie

I've been letting my mind wander as I do housework today, and it keeps going back to the list of so-called mom duties that are expected of me, including guilt over not having a family for my son to share Thanksgiving with, as well as guilt that I haven't had as much time to spend with him lately, all kinds of guilt.

I realized that I do this to myself ALL OF THE TIME. It's a habitual pattern of thoughts that always lead back to feelings of guilt or inadequacy, no matter how much I accomplish, or how much I reason against it, the feeling is still there.

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My Poor State.

Sun, 08/28/2011 - 19:43 -- Birdie

The hurricane is passing by us now. I'm safe, and as far as I know there's only been one death, but I have a bag packed right here beside me, ready to leave if I have to tonight. The hurricane veered West I guess and we are just looking at crazy flash floods, so much damage.

I'm alone. No kiddo, just me and my thoughts and the wind. Trying to cheer myself up with some comedy shows, but I doubt I'll sleep tonight.

No one thought it would be this bad.

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Creative Anger

Sun, 08/07/2011 - 06:53 -- Birdie

Okay. I don't want to obsess, give too much energy to or distract from things that I need to get done or being present in my life. The problem is that I have this build-up of anger inside of me at this point- most recently towards my most recent ex, who played with my heart, gave me a lot of false hope, violated my boundaries and messed with my head. Got me when I was vulnerable and pretended to be a gentleman- used me for sex more likely than not- and rejected me as if I was a penny it's not worth the time to pick up when I'm quite sure that he was the one who begged for rejection. The sadness, confusion and hurt has turned to anger and it's distracting me. I want it gone. I had a dream the other night where I was wrapping the false sense of security and false love that he had given me in an empty box with all kinds of wrapping paper, for hours it seemed. Christmas paper, birthday paper, all of the holidays he had celebrated with me as my new "family". I then spent hours tying rocks to the package, then wrapped it in his dumb sweater that I have right here that I need to destroy somehow today, and I took a raft to the middle of the lake and dropped it in the deepest part, thinking "No one will know it's here. No one will ever find it." Is it my wounded pride? At first I thought my subconscious was trying to rid me of negative feelings, like an exorcism, and when I told my therapist the dream she told me that it sounded more like my subconscious was trying to bury my anger and hurt. I watch demolition videos with glee lately. I get secret thrills watching youtube videos of tornados, then feel almost guilty afterwards. I don't want to see anyone get hurt- I want to see destruction. Smash plates. Fucking scream. He thought I was so beautiful when I was sad, and so unfeminine when I would show even a little anger about anything. My therapist also said that if you squash down the beast, it becomes more powerful. The ANGER BEAST. So what do I do to this goddamn sweater that won't make me feel like a psycho? Give it to a bum? Burn it and mail it to the Ganges? Pull it apart, thread by thread? I thought about cutting it up and gluing it to a canvas to write "Everything you never gave me".

Thoughts? My therapist tried to tell me not to feel guilty about feeling angry- she said that I could feel the emotion and let it pass through me, observing it Buddhist-style. I feel more the need to express it somehow. I don't think that observing it is enough. But I don't want to feed it. I want it to go away.

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New focus.

Thu, 08/04/2011 - 18:59 -- Birdie

So, I have these outrageous new (old) plans- are you ready?

Either learn accordion, teach myself fiddle (I played viola for 6 years) or somehow pick up a cello. Or all of the above! I miss having a musical instrument in my life terribly. I play guitar and have one, but it's never been the same kind of thrill the viola was for me. And, I never wanted to play viola in the first place- it was a compromise, because my parents told me I couldn't play the cello because they didn't have room for it in the car. My first desire was to play the piano, and I kind of taught myself a little on the klunker in the basement, at least with the working keys. I used to beg for lessons. Sometimes my friend who got lessons would teach me things. I was so excited when the school offered to teach us- I had my heart set on the cello. No dice. Now that I am a grown woman- I don't care how broke I am- I will find a way to indulge myself. If I had gone to a great college instead of running away, maybe I could have done more than teach myself guitar by now. I remember the day I sold my viola to make rent. :-(

ANYHOW.

That's only the beginning. I'm embracing this single life=more time thing this time around. I'm reading novels again.

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