http://abcnews.go.com/WN/conversation-women-world-summit/story?id=10074854

I have an internship starting and I'm really trying to get off on the right foot by:

A) Communicating as realistically as possible with my client about time constraints that I have as a still student single mama

B) Learning how to politely decline to do something if it is beyond my time-constraints/realm of knowledge

C) Learning how to SAVE AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE for myself and the client by making sure that we are on THE SAME PAGE design-wise- aka "Getting to know you, getting to know ALL, about you......."

D) My client has worked with designers before, but there are already things coming up- such as asking me to do a logo for a site in two weeks time- where I get the feeling that he's either A) an eternal optimist or B) doesn't really understand how long even simple looking things can take.

E) The hard part for me? The stress level that I don't want to have rise- They are an AMAZING non-profit that really makes waves in our state and at this point, nationwide- and yet they really need design help- that feels like a lot of weight. Yeah. And I can't blow off my classwork because, of course- I am still a student, still learning my chops- and just got through one of the hardest years of my life- finally getting my focus away from the personal to the professional- and here's this amazing opportunity- and I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants a bit, and it scares me (though it is really amazing to realize the energy that I'm finding within myself to learn as I go, in a sense).

Advice????

I'm also having moments of that good old mom guilt where I feel like I should be taking my kid ice skating instead of doing design work. I'm the main parent, and really have very little back-up care for him beyond preschool and exhausting myself staying up late.

Birdie's FIELD TRIP notes!

Honeyspace-

The landlord had development plans for the property but after the success of the original Honeyspace decided to start charging a monthly rent high enough for many of the artists who helped put the place on the map to have to leave. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/18/arts/design/18gall.html?_r=1
Adam, shown in the article- is now assembling displays at Target, which he has no creative control over. He is now a tortured Target employee.

My friend Mickey- shown below- http://www.honey-space.com/archive/western/1.shtml another one of the artists who gave the place a name (click on the photo to flip through pictures of Gringolandia) lost his space as well.
http://concretemenagerie.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html (scroll down to Follow The White Bunny)

Thomas Beale, the main instigator and advocate for the space, is still going strong- http://www.tbeale.com/ A very dedicated chap who used to blow through a studio in my hometown from time to time- I was dating a tortured marionette maker there, really- lots of sawdust. Here is Tom, aka Rom- http://artwelove.com/insights/archives/2008/07/17/spaces-we-love-honey-s...

And this is the exhibit that I got some wonderful photos of with my old 35mm Canon, high speed film, no flash. Daphane is lovely. http://animalnewyork.com/2010/03/daphane-parks-superconductor-at-honey-s...

I'm really psyched to see how they came out!

Now, someone else has to start a new free-to-artists-gallery to take this one's place....... Honeyspace is right across the street from Graffiti Lab, which I really wanted to visit, but hey, there's always the summer.....

Oh and I had a pint in the White Horse, took photographs of paintings of Dylan Thomas staring back at me, went to see The Secret of Kells at the IFC, ate at the B&H and had some incredible borscht and perogies, and somehow survived thrift store clothes shopping in Brooklyn after 4 hours sleep. All in all, it was pretty sweet.

This is TOTALLY related to motherhood. Totally.

Take the BBC's What sex is your brain? quiz......if you like.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sex/add_user.shtml

Just felt like saying Howdy....and sharing some Western Spaghetti!

Ya'll might have seen this before, but I'm posting it anyways.

Miraculously AND metaphorically speaking.

'Night ladies!

For a Worker's Rights Organization!!!!!

I have posters, etc. to design for a May rally/anniversary!

EEEKKKKKKK!!!!!!

OK. Not going to get TOO excited here. Just moderately excited. Eek.
(It's going to be alot of work- but real world experience + internship......well- in a perfect world, everyone wins. And it's doing something I believe in! They help unions all over the state! And it was hinted that I could help with some political stuff come next election, although I'm going to keep that on the dl for now.)

Is this what positive challenge/stress feels like?

IS THIS EMPOWERMENT???

Someone pointed out to me today that every time I let myself get emotionally or mentally wrapped up in the issues that surround me- I'm giving them power. If this is true, then all of the thought and emotion that I have put into these things has been power that has gone from me- and even if the sources of antagonism aren't PHYSICALLY present- I have just given it my power. Or power over me. I started to think in terms of this about what I spend the most time thinking about or lamenting over- thinking of it in terms of giving away power- giving power to money, ex's, to fear of this or fear of that- etc. etc. Then I thought, why?

Am I afraid of my own power? Am I afraid of keeping power? I'm a good person- why should I be afraid?

I guess I am afraid somehow- it's the "but what if I fuck things up" what if what my mother would say is true, that my head really isn't screwed on right? Still, I'd like to think that I could forgive myself- is it that I'm afraid of fucking things up for other people? What is it about power that I am afraid of? Am I just unpracticed at it? Am I afraid that I will be mocked, or blamed?

Anyone have any thoughts on this? My therapist thinks it would be interesting if I turned from being submissive to dominant- just to see how it went. HAH! Why does this freak me out? I have great leadership qualities.

Sometimes I wish there was some type of an anti anxiety THING i could take that would make me feel like less of a wuss- post-traumatic stress is such a pain to deal with. On another note, I was just asked to help a non-profit cause that I believe in with their graphic design- and I said yes, even though I'm freaked out (I worry about gaps in my knowledge, being taken advantage of, giving the wrong advice and somehow destroying their entire operation). AGH! What IS it with me????

This isn't me- but she could be.

This movie reminds me of my Grampa- he looked a bit like Sean Connery as a young man.
R.I.P. Grampa (Born on Halloween and died on Feb 1st, 2006- I was there- he was my favorite family member, by far). The last thing he told me was not to worry about him- he was all drugged up on morphine when he said it- but it gave me peace, nonetheless. He loved me like no one else has loved me, my entire life- and so it's not sad- when I feel unloved now, I just remember my Grampa. He was the best kind of a man. I wish that kind of love for all of you tonight- may we all find gentle, unconditionally loving souls along our journeys, and memories we can go back to.

He was born on All Hallows Eve (the eve of Samhain) and died on Imbolc, on the Feast of St. Brigid
http://paintedprayerbook.com/2008/02/01/feast-of-st-brigid/
- that's comforting too.

Happy Imbolc!

This was supposed to cheer me up. Hopefully, I'll get my "badass" back soon here. Stupid Winter.

http://www.examiner.com/x-1994-LA-Celebrity-Headlines-Examiner~y2010m1d2...

You thexy beast. Yes, I wrote that.

I'm happy that my friend- whom I thought would never want to come over or send time with me again after being over at my house while I tried to get chores done- thinks that it's wonderful that I have love in my life (in the form of my son) and doesn't see my life as a domestic hell after all. Maybe I was projecting that he looked sad about me having a domestic life as an artist struggling with resistance when really he was sad that he doesn't have a domestic life, as an artist? Who knows, how to make love stay? She flashed her famous cat that swallowed the banana smile......

I love to wonder about dead artists like Tom Robbins does in this piece- I love to think of various outcomes- who I would invite over to dinner, what they would eat, who would get too drunk, what they would argue about, which ones would end up hooking up in the garden shed, which ones would just sit and talk about the moon...... If I could have a dinner I think I'd have Charlie Chaplin, Dorothy Parker, Grace Kelly, Josephine Baker, Artemisia Gentileschi, Remedios Varos, Edna St. Vincent Millay, William Morris, Cary Grant, maybe Albert Camus, and Buckminster Fuller. AND DAVID BOWIE WOULD BE MY DATE- we would be the undead!

I want- self-sufficiency. To never be dependent on another, ever again.
To create amazing art/teach/help the environment/save what I can/travel/die alone without a God and most definitely not in a hospital.
Have wonderful lovers but no more epic romances.

BUT........

Sometimes, I secretly long for-
A Korean man who will take care of me. He must be liberal, kinky, non-abusive, with excellent taste in music and most everything else, and devastatingly handsome. I will cook amazing food for him. He can show me the world and I can enjoy it while entertaining him with my incredible wit. He will be an amazing example for my son (who happens to be part-Korean). We will have an open relationship if we want- I am not a jealous person- I don't like to cramp someone's style- and then I can do as I please as well without having to deal with a jealous man, which I refuse to do. I will be monogamous (MAYBE) if he is never jealous of me and as long as he doesn't ignore me too much. Even if I am not monogamous- I will always be faithful to him. He will be much smarter than I am and take care of practically everything- I will contribute too, but he'll handle all of the stuff that I dislike dealing with. And I will cook, because he doesn't like to as much as I do. He is someone I can pour my love into without fear. He is my hero, and I have all of the respect in the world for him. With him, I can finally relax. He is the person I have always been waiting for, he makes the most sense to me. There is no drama, only belonging.

Am I a female bastard??? Slap me, please. Tell me to snap out of it. I'm making myself sick here.

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships
By Patrick Carnes

http://books.google.com/books?id=pEdMu4JVsc8C&dq=The+Betrayal+Bond:+Brea...

This book is quite interesting to me....provides much food for thought.
I have only read the beginning of this, online at the link above- but felt that the chapter "What trauma does to people" was interesting (and sad, granted). I can relate to the "trauma splitting" bit....Maybe I'll buy the damn thing, dammit. Back to the world of dreams.....

Hope you're all have a wonderful Monday mamas...... it's been a pretty good one for me so far... actually going to yoga class tonight for the second time- the first class I've been to in years was this past Fri.....I felt amazing afterward, sore, but much stronger already.....I'm doing it every Mon. Wed. and Fri. I think it's going to be a really grounding thing for me.

This kid inspires me to no end. Really.

I LOVE HIM.

Wait, is it "not to share" or "to NOT share"?

PAPER ART!

I watched a documentary on Paper Art and paper artists during the holidays with my son- it was one of 3 times this year we've plugged in the boob tube and this incredible show was on- hosted by Maggie Gyllenhaal (who is only a year older than me- I don't know why I mention this I just notice these things now that I'm 30).

I had no idea how insanely amazing the paper arts can be......I've been talking about this PBS show to people for two weeks straight now and today, I found THIS! http://www.webdesignerdepot.com/2009/05/100-extraordinary-examples-of-pa...

I'm going to find the PBS site link to the show now- I can tie this into being a mother in the modern world as well- watch me-
Our children are growing up in the world of the Kindle (the new paperless book) in a day and age when using paper unnecessarily is becoming whack. Paper is starting to be seen as a rather precious commodity, vs. something that is expendable. How better to honor the use of paper than to use this valuable resource to make insanely beautiful Paper Art? It's like it's gold or silver or something. Ya follow? I think it would be ridiculous for someone to condemn paper art because it's done with paper- it HONORS paper, elevates it- makes it sacred, etc. etc.

And here's the link to the PBS show......Between The Folds (hmm.....not too sure how I feel about their choice of a name for the show....)
http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/between-the-folds/film.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1P4_YCFtkQ

or this one edited for the radio......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8VZX4sHn-4

Hehe. I think she just became the soundtrack for the rest of my day.

1) SLEEP. My Dr. says that I can't have coffee after noon and I can't watch movies in bed if I want to deal with my insomnia problems. Using the computer after a certain hour is also not a good idea. Lack of sleep over the years is linked with Alzheimer's- he didn't tell me that, I read it somewhere- but knowing that is good motivation to do what he says.

2) RELATIONSHIPS. My goal is to NOT GET DISTRACTED, once again.

3) ART, WRITING, MUSIC......

ART- to make Sunday afternoons darkroom time NO MATTER WHAT. To start practice sketching again- to somehow carve out the time to listen to Andrew Bird and sketch. To actually put paint to the canvas that has been sitting in a corner of my kitchen for the last 3 years? Would be wondrous.

WRITING- To wake up every morning and use the block of time after I drop my son to school and before I have class to write, methodically, for at least an hour or two. I have the opportunity as a student to do this if I squoosh some time for myself in vs. making it homework/cleaning/cooking time. The ultimate goal is not to make money or anything like that- it's purely for me- a documentation of my life- processing- unrestricted, unbound, furious and fantastic- epic even.

MUSIC- Somehow, to acquire a fiddle. I have an ear for it and haven't played since I sold my old one years ago. To do mind-memorizing-lyrics-practice with my guitar- I can memorize chords- I've always been lazy about memorizing lyrics. It's funny, 'cause I can quote Shakespeare like a dink, but I can't get through a bob dylan song without looking at a piece of paper. Pure laziness which can be corrected. Now I'm embarrassed. And the goal would be to do an open mic by Springtime, because although so many of the folks I know are musicians I've really kept a cork on it- I want to conquer my fear.

4) RELOCATION.
I live in a place with very negative insane intrusive energy surrounding it. I don't normally talk about "energy" or "vibes" because I'm not a West Coast gal. However, the stuff I am surrounded with REALLY MAKES EVERYTHING HARD. I hate it. If I can somehow swing moving to a saner yet still convenient location I suspect that I will feel soooo good.

5) EXERCISE-
Yoga.

Walking everywhere. Walking my son to school in the am and then walking myself to college. Really. Which means an early morning- which brings me back to the importance of sleep.

Making Saturdays with my son Outdoor Active Day. Then doing whatever he wants to do in the evening. I've dreamed about actually giving him a spot in the week where he gets to make the decisions about what we do- I mean, obviously we can't build a rocket and go to the moon to replenish our cheese supply- but you get the picture. Empower the boy. I feel badly that he has to live on my schedule. It must suck.

6) READING- Reading before bedtime? Not just reading to my son, which we do every night before bedtime anyways..... Reading for me. I need to make this part of my life again- the summers seem to be my reading time (not that I'm less busy it's just a habit) and it's not enough. I'm happier when I have a good book going.

I just need a new basic liability insurance. I am in good driver standing.

If you're a FOTC fan, you might just dig these guys- actually came about before Flight of the Conchords.

A good friend recently turned me onto them. This is the first 1/3 of the 1st episode of the 1st season. If you'd like a little novel humor in your life and you have a minute and you appreciate British humor......or you need a good distraction or cheering up.

Just a tad fed up right now.
I should not have spent so much time just now on the fucking computer I have other things to do which will bring me much more pleasure and joy in this life vs. torture.
A certain someone's existence reoccurred to me today and I just wanna forget about him and his ridiculously attractive face.
Since when did me liking The Tim and Eric Awesome Show become something I need to hide from people?!? In other words, I was asked in all seriousness yesterday if I really did like the show, because she does not and apparently that was worrisome to her.

I just want things to be easy.

I am not getting sucked into an emotional vortex, I refuse to change myself, I am going to go have a sauna at a friend's house and come home and make some fucking key lime pie because it's my night off and I never get to travel or have a vacation. And I'm going to eat it.

MEH! Hope you are all having a good night.

It's been going on for a month now- it's very cute and hilarious, if a tad disturbing.

He is really really good at doing the exact same voice- he even says to people now- "You know why I can fit through there? BECAUSE I'M LITTLE." "I don't have a bandit hat so I modified this tube sock." (You look good) "Yeah, yeah, I know." He IS little! He's 4, dammit! I have a mini-Pookie/Jason Schwartzman now! Aaahhh! He has the same expressions as the animated fox son when he says things in that voice too. My kid blows my mind. Just had to share.