We had icky drama around thanksgiving, followed by no communication. Christmas eve my mom's husband called (and things are a bit rough with us, since he told me he'd just assume I not come over) and said they were having xmas dinner in the afternoon. We called back and said we had made plans but Q, my son, would like to bring their presents by. He and I went over on xmas day to drop off their presents. It was incredibly akward and they gave Q his presents but didn't send my daughter's home for her, which pretty much pissed me off even more. She's 4. They invited my son to come to dinner the next day and I called and left a message saying I needed for there to be some mature conversation around what had been going on, and some resolution. I spelled out what some of my concerns were and the response was a a msg from my mom's husband saying "I don't think we can have a mature conversation until you grow up." and proceeding to negate a couple things I had said but really not addressing much.
So I sent an email, and texted that I'd sent it.
I'll paste in the email I sent and you'll probably get the gist of what's been going on:
"In response to (my mom's husband's) "D"s 'response':
First of all, you did cancel Thanksgiving on (my son, "Q"). he didn't eat a Thanksgiving dinner, because he was saving room for at your house, since we had agreed we would drop him off around 5. So you absolutely did cancel on him, and you owe him if not an explanation at least an apology.
Since Thanksgiving, you've called once with an hours notice to bring Q (not (my daughter) "A") over, and once while we were out of town and unable to return calls (as my message clearly stated). So please don't play off like you make this extraordinary effort to be grandparents that we rebuff.
When I say what my concerns are and what I need for them to be resolved and the response is for D to call and say 'grow up', I'm not sure how you psychologists believe that to be participating in/improving communication. I don't see how not addressing anything I've said and throwing lame potshot comebacks is any effort to repair. Do you?
I don't need for D to like me, just like you don't need for me to like him. I feel that I've been more than fair and accommodating with him. I've welcomed him into the family, I read his book, I've taken his side, I've advocated for him in your arguments in the promotion of peace and reason. I don't feel like he is similarly promoting peace and reason, and I know that he doesn't have a pulse on the dynamic of our relationship, so I would just assume he step out, back off, and stop being your mouthpiece--he's not productive in moving dialogue forward. "Grow up" is not a meaningful response. Speak for yourself, like a grown up.
Your granddaughter is just about the sweetest, most precious thing ever. Everybody loves A--except you. And you're missing out, so much. It is a big, big loss for you, regardless of if you realize it now.
I don't know that it's a loss for her, though. I've gone for awhile with the rationale that something is better than nothing from you. That you're a miserable, vindictive narcissist who sucks at being a grandmother just like you suck at being a mom, but that I would accept how you're willing/able to participate with my kids as taking what they can get from you. that's it's not ideal by any shot of the imagination, but at least it was something...but after this last round of spite I can't justify that anymore.
Q, and (my partner) and I, can understand 'losing it' for whatever reason--that you were stressed out and lost your cool and blew Thanksgiving. We're all flawed and human and can move on. What we can't move past is completely not acknowledging the situation, thus framing it up for Q that that's normal, acceptable behavior, to 'cancel' Thanksgiving (without telling him! We were on the way to drop him off at your house! He didn't eat, because nobody had the common decency to say, 'hey kid, Grandma's losing it and can't pull it together for dinner. And we're supposed to 'assume' that we're going to do xmas dinner with you? that we can depend on you, when you can't even speak for yourself and acknowledge this? like we're going to set our kids up for a 'canceled' xmas?) for him to see 'grandpa's' face scratched up by grandma and la de da, no acknowledgment at all. Would you send your kid into that hornet's nest? Would anyone, without discussion? How do I know you've calmed down, that anything's different, that he's going to be safe? How do I know he'll be in a stable, responsible environment, when you can't even communicate? I wouldn't send my kid to anyone's home with that kind of stuff going on!
And yes, it's a shame for him. Absolutely. And so do I want that to continue? Do I want to set A up for that, or is she better off now having no expectation of 'grandparent's'? Q is very aware that you consistently exclude A, and it's very uncomfortable for him. He chose to sneak his presents into the house and hide them, so her feelings wouldn't be hurt. He loves his sister and knows it's not fair or right or kind to her. How is he supposed to reconcile this? I resent that you put him in that position. In retrospect, I might do things differently as far as encouraging his relationship with you, but it is what it is now, so how do you propose to make it right?
Or else you won't, and I'm okay with that too. I can learn from my mistakes."
That's the end--then tonight I got a text saying they hadn't received the email (it's in my sent box) and when would A come and get her presents. Ugh.
So...I had felt a moment's remorse over some of the harsher things I said here. But for the most part it felt good to call the bullshit for what it is, wipe my hands, and move on. I don't know if they really didn't get the email or are just trying to ignore me, again. So...I'd value your thoughts. Am I being too rough? Or just reasonable? How would you handle this?
love!
