It's 11:45 PM. I am up. My stomach is twisted in knots; my children are asleep. I don't even feel like watching a movie or reading a book - my typical diversions. My husband is out with a friend watching a movie; I am very happy for him to have a night out on his birthday. I have felt tired and beleaguered all day thus you might think I was ready for sleep. Apparently, not to be had.

I get panicky when I can't sleep. At times like this (rare enough, but creeping up on me lately) I feel like I'm the Only Person Awake. I so far have not resorted to medicine (altho' I've tried a few of the homeopathic remedies recommended by hipmamas) but what I wish more than anything else is something strong to knock me out; I know, not helpful in the long-term.

Why is it a Mama does most of the work around the house and sleeps the least?

This weekend for our birthday lake getaway we have four vegetarians, a vegan, a changeling (constantly going from vegan to meat-eater and back) and an omnivore scheduled to show - so far.

I will be making soft tacos with fixings: lettuce, tomatoes, roasted jalapenos, chile sauce, rice, sour cream, cheese, cucumbers - and either black beans, Hogaboom's Dipping Tofu (sans soy dipping sauce of course), or Fantastic Foods Taco Filling (thanks again, EC!). A chile relleno and simple slaw accompanies.

I love cooking for people with special food requests or needs. I love people asking me to try to cook something. One of the ways to hurt my feelings is when I say, "What would you like for dinner?" when you say, "I don't care" (OK, that doesn't really HURT my feelings, but I do feel a twinge of sadness). I am currently trying to master hamburger buns. The last batch I made worked well enough to eat last night for (boca) burgers (my son calls them Krabby Patties and some of you know what that's all about) but they aren't good enough for me to gloat about.

Topic for today's discussions - how do your kids behave in restaurants? If your children are old enough to have at least decent manners, how do your kids order and eat in restaurants?

1. After blogging about my laundry soap-making project my friend came over and dropped off three books to me. I am all fired up about Karen Logan's book (over ten years old) Clean House, Clean Planet. I am planning a shopping spree and making up non-toxic, inexpensive alternatives (castille soap, vinegar, baking soda, club soda). "It is not necessary to buy poisons or to spend a lot of money on commercially marketed natural alternatives." Now I don't know what to do with the last bits of my "typical" (toxic) cleansers.

2. My husband's 30th birthday is today and this weekend we are having a shindig out at my family's old, funky-assed Lake cabin. Mexican potluck! Beatty's chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting! Sun, sun, sun! Lake play! Great neighbors! R&R!

3. Beach trip yesterday to visit my parents where they were camping (in their giant, homemade hippie bus rig that people constantly stop and take pictures of). My parents love my kids so much and go way, way, way out of their way to play with them. I made my dad laugh. This makes me so happy.

4. I'm losing weight. Not sure how or why. I feel good but my pants are literally sliding off me. This feels bad. I can't buy any new clothes until December (my silly Wardrobe Refashion commitment) but sewing my own jeans is tricky, too (I've done it once before and ended up with FAR too large pants!). Still, it feels nice to shrink a bit.

5. Kids are luscious in the morning. Sophie snuck into my bed this early AM. Nels lies on the couch and says, "I need love ['ruv']!" and when I go hold him he says, "Mmmmm, that's good ruv." and puts his face in my boobs.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I got my pad in the mail today. First off, the flannel is perfect, and the cotton / hemp french terry is every bit as lovely as I thought it might be (I sincerely hope you keep that fabric in stock). But your labels! The whole thing is so amazingly professional, high-quality, and awesome.

This isn't a pad. It's a work of art. And because I've been using your pads for a while, I know it will hold up amazingly well. I also love knowing it was sewn on an old skool Singer, just like I use.

I bow to you, goddess. You are my new supplier for all my cloth-pad needs. I had a woman who made delicate lovelies that she hand-sewed some great details on but she stopped making them, too bad. So now it's all you, baby.

I am going to go out and make more female friends, so I can buy them your cloth pads.

http://clairedelunepads.com/

My friend sent me this article - written in 1990, but I really enjoyed it. My apologies if it's been posted and discussed ad nauseam.

"I think whites are carefully taught not to recognize white privilege, as males are taught not to recognize male privilege. So I have begun in an untutored way to ask what it is like to have white privilege. I have come to see white privilege as an invisible package of unearned assets that I can count on cashing in each day, but about which I was 'meant' to remain oblivious. White privilege is like an invisible weightless knapsack of special provisions, maps, passports, codebooks, visas, clothes, tools, and blank checks."

This in particular resonated with me - not as an excuse for any action or inaction on my part, but as a summation of my experience brought up as a middle-class white American before I began to "notice" race relations in any real way:

"My schooling gave me no training in seeing myself as an oppressor, as an unfairly advantaged person, or as a participant in a damaged culture. I was taught to see myself as an individual whose moral state depended on her individual moral will."

Discussion? Play nice!

I have a quart of Land O Lakes half and half - I bought it for 39 cents! - that is approaching it's due date. I don't think I can drink it in my coffee fast enough. Anyone have a recipe they recommend?

My husband is having a hard time again and long story short, one way this manifests is him being mean to me.

While I wait for the remainder of my corset hardware to arrive in the mail, I'm making my 3-year old Nels a coat. I know, odd considering this weather, eh? The thing is, with my Wardrobe Refashion committment I have to think a bit ahead on the family's raingear - especially since I live in about the rainiest damn place, ever.

And before I get to sewing - speaking of my Wardrobe Refashion work, I made a little tool to track what clothes I need to sew and what I've finished. Download a blank template here: [ pdf ] (2 pages)

Yesterday for lunch I reheated sushi rice (carefully, covered in oven) as well as butternut squash - both leftovers. I then made my poached eggs with sesame and soy sauce. The addition of Vietnamese hot garlic sauce (for me, not the kids) and oolong tea completed our meal. I set the table, including flowers, and the children and I sat down. Everyone cleaned their plates and it was nice to have a more formal lunch with the children. I happen to like eating hot, spicy food on hot days!

Tonight I'm making my latest version of lasagna - "My Good Lasagna", so named as a joke for all the ladies who say, "Oh I'll make him up some of My Good Roast Beef," as if they have some Assy Version they also sometimes cook up. Previously food-blogged lasagna recipes: Pegs' Lasagna (a very rich meat-and-veggie) and Vegetarian Lasagna (an elaborate but well-worth-it iteration).

What makes this lasagna noteworthy? My parents are coming over for dinner and my dad likes to *repeatedly* diss my vegetarian cooking (WTF?). I wanted to make something rather simple (not "healthy") with lots of cheese, a long-simmered sauce, and only one favorite vegetable (broccoli). (P.S. besides my snooty father this will probably go over well for toddler and child eaters). The workflow and layering of this lasagna are such that you could make the meal while caring for your small children without breaking a sweat. My recipe link also includes some tips on cooking noodles correctly.

Today's topic for discussion: what is the most unhealthy / nasty / guilt-inducing meal or food you enjoy? Do you scarf it in clandestine fashion or out in the open and proud?

Another week without driving!

Living in a swamp for a hundred years is hard on a girl.

I photo-blogged our day yesterday.

I know this has been posted before but it's a good one.

1. I had a sewing holiday this weekend! And I sewed... (first raingear for Ralph, then) a corset! Oh my gosh! Could I enjoy this more? No, I couldn't. I really couldn't. (You can watch me make a corset on my sewblog).

2. While I spent a day and a half sewing my husband took care of kids, did a lot of the cooking, and did a bunch of yard work. While I was in *heaven* sewing yesterday (at my parents' where my sewing room is) my mom came over and planted a bunch of flowers in our beds! Hee hee! That's right, bitches. Work!

3. My social calendar is full this week - a party, two kid-swaps, a date with a friend, two dates with Ralph (free childcare).

4. Taking a break from cooking and cleaning helps Ralph realize how much I do during the week; it's also nice to get a break from all of that in and of itself!

5. Ralph is exacting a Bedtime Bootcamp of sorts to get the kids to bed earlier. It's actually working. Good for him!

6. My kids got brown from all the yardwork, the little weedlings.

How 'bout yours?

My husband took this (I was putting something in the lightbox to take a photo) and I just about died laughing at the tres-flattering angle. Seriously, I don't look this bad! I don't think? I mean that is some flat, wide, wall-eyed ass.

Anyone else got a good self-portrait to post?

I've been noticing this boy in my daughter's swimming class. This boy wiggles and "misbehaves" quite a bit more than the other children, all of whom are expected to sit on the side of the pool while, two at a time, their instructors take them out to practice skills. Most children manage fine with this. Even this child (his name is C) does reasonably well, but does tend to break rules (no splashing, etc) and doesn't tend to listen when told to stop breaking the rules.

From what I can tell, there are a few things going on here. One, I notice C is getting "targeted" by both his mother and the instructor. For instance, my daughter would be playing with the noodle-float along with C, but the teacher upon seeing this would verbally correct C. Yesterday while I paid close attention, this happened every time anyone was ever misbehaving! The second thing happening is, no one ever physically follows through or (sometimes) even checks to assure the boy is following these commands.

So we get the pattern: many verbal commands, much negative attention, very little follow-through on the part of the adults. The boy ignores the commands and continues to misbehave, meanwhile receiving a heck of a lot of "don'ts" and very few "good job" or "thank you" feedback. Meanwhile as well this little boy is in effect allowed to break the rules without logical consequences (besides getting yelled at, which he seems used to).

1. Yesterday was kind of assy - I got everyone ready to go, strapped into bike trailer in the rain and all - SHIT! Flat tire (again). But I made the best of it, took them swimming and to a movie and tried to survive the day without too much stress.

2. During the evening showing of the film (the third Pirates installation) my husband was asked (by me) to come home after work and sort the house out. I came home to every single item on my list crossed out. Vacuumed and everything. We'll be doing that again, like weekly if I have anything to do with it.

3. This week I made a meal plan and bought the week's groceries for $90! And that included this chichi cosmetic stuff (from the freakish canned food grocery outlet which is where I'm getting all our soaps, shampoos, etc).

4. Coffee in the morning. If I have that, I can conquer the world.

5. Been keeping the drinkies down to one or zero beverages a night. Better sleep.

6. Nothing like sitting in front of the computer in the morning in sweats with a clarifying clay face masque on. Hope the Jehovah's Witnesses stop by.

7. Now that my parents are home from vacation my mom and I are back to hanging out daily and enjoying our time together. We are lucky to have one another.

I know bitch-face already craft-ho'd but I wanted to share this. I wrote a half-tutorial about darning up on my sewing blog. It's a great (and easy) technique to patch clothes for your family - clothes that are still good enough to wear. In the example below, there was a tear just below the fly in the crotch. Simply hand- or machine-sewing the tear would not have held for long.

Most of us to sew also have to at least admit to ourselves that we should mend, as well. What better way to keep my six-month commitment (in my case, for four people) then to learn how to repair well-loved clothes with a catastrophic tear.

I am inviting gratitude and love into my life and I find it works. Here are some things I'd like to talk about:

1. I have been getting to know a lot more about my husband lately. He is really finding his voice. The best part is that I really like who he is, and what he's talking about.

2. Talking over my stuff with my brother last week cleared up a lot of angst. Almost everyone here had something to say that was sweet and genuinely helpful. Also helping is my brother's near-immediate and intuitive counter-response in seeking me out via email etc. I am not ready to respond to him like I would have before (welcoming him with open arms) but I feel much more calm and settled over this.

3. Today I found out my dad is quitting his chemo regime. This is mixed, but mostly painful. He will feel better and not be as sick (until / unless they find an alternate treatment); however, this means he's all the closer to succumbing to the disease (his latest PET scan shows a larger growth). I know my dad will die of cancer, and probably in the not-too-distant future. I pray this isn't what happens, I pray I have many more years with him. This makes me so sad but I am so glad I have moved closer to my parents. Daily we see them and grow richer in our relationships with them.

4. I have been enjoying my son so much. He will literally do something so naughty but I somehow miraculously "catch" him, and just laugh at how genuine he is. And yes, remove him from the nottiness and make him clean up, etc. It feels like being a grandparent or something: loving and guiding, enjoying every moment, not sweating the small stuff.

5. The above item makes me realize I need to find a few ways to connect with my daughter; I've been too hard on her lately.

6. I get my (once-every-8-weeks) hair cut today. I'm not all that excited because I'm trying to grow it out so it's sort of like trimming a mullet. But here's hoping something fabulous and beautiful happens in the salon.

I welcome anyone else's list.

Tonight I made a fast and successful meal for all:

(tendon) Donburi! topped with:
Deep-fried tofu with dipping sauce
Egg crepes / (omelet noodles)
Sauteed broccoli w/garlic and thai chiles
Tempura summer squash
Steamed green beans
Toasted sesame seeds

I can't find my Heavenly Chef brand garlic sauce (aka Next Morning Colon Blow) in any store - but made do with Rooster sauce and of course, tamari.

Donburi is apparently a catch-all Japanese term that refers to the large bowl and rice-plus-toppings meal served in it. The lovely thing about donburi is if you get the rice right, almost anything you put on top of it will make you so happy.

Don't bother making this without Japanese glutinous (sushi) rice. Follow instructions: wash rice several times and allow to drain for an hour. Cook covered but stir to make sure the rice is always covered with water or you will ruin your rice and be very sad. Anyone who wants more detailed info on sushi rice, let me know and I'll write it all out.

Today's discussion: How does our culture value cooking in the home?

1. My husband and I are getting along. We are heading off tension before it becomes toxic discussion / arguments. Last night while I was sad he came over and kissed and hugged me; he did all the housework as well. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sweetness between us.

2. My kids and I are getting along well. They are out of their (minimal) school programs and I'm home with them all the time, so this is no mean feat. For the most part, I have been gentle with them. At the end of the day they still seek me out for cuddles and time together. At night Nels quietly sneaks into bed with me. My daughter spontaneously, several times a day, tells me she loves me.

3. Yesterday the kids and I took a bus trip to visit Ralph at work. My kids are enjoying the bus and both of them are reading (Sophie can read most everything; Nels attempts to follow suit).

4. Last night my homemade pizza turned out perfectly! I can make pizza from scratch! Yay for me. If you only knew how terrified I used to be of yeast breads!

5. I've been taking the kids on walks, swimming, biking daily. We are about to bike for groceries then go to the park. I am a little lonely without a girlfriend to so this stuff with, but I'm hanging in there.

6. Tonight I'm making carribbean chickpea and potato curry, tomato choka, and naan. I know my husband and kids will be appreciative of the dinner, and I'm excited to try something new!

7. I've been exfoliating and lotioning (my spell-checker tells me neither of those are real words). My skin is actually soft and shiny. I realize that as I get older my body and skin are different - mainly I need so, so, so much moisture! I feel really amazing starting to respect my maturing body and knowing what it needs.

Any grats to share, ladies?

Last night I made:
Dipping tofu (w/sauce ala Etta Candy's sorta recipe)
Buckwheat noodles
Sauteed spinach
Broccoli and mushroom stir-fry

Tonight:
Homemade pizza (Click for recipes for the dough, sauce, and some tips from HM)

Dessert:
Beatty's Chocolate Cake w/Frosting (ala oldladygrady's Flickr yummy-pic! An easy and very tasty recipe).

Today's topic: What is your dirty secret?

There have been a few recent discussions of break-ups and I'd like to share mine. This is very painful to me. I don't want to have to defend myself, to convince you to agree with my choices. I want to talk about what has happened and how I feel.

Well, I feel bad. I am breaking up with my brother. No, this does not mean I will never speak to him again. I don't know what this means, entirely; one thing I'm sure of is I am done seeking him out, only to be rejected repeatedly and rarely if ever returned some common courtesies he extends to his employer and his friends. I have always been close to my family, I've always put them first in my heart. I love(d) my brother very, very, very much and this is one of the most painful things I've had to face in as long as I can remember.

I am going to make this pizza recipe tonight. I want to freeze some of the dough as suggested. Problem is, I have no idea how to freeze dough nor how to thaw and roll, rise, shape. Any advice?

I have known about Naomi's work for a few years; she hails from my area. This is her first youtube video and I thought I'd share. I find her a bit un-relatable in a few ways but I enjoy her newsletter and enjoyed this video.

I have lot of things I'm happy about and I want to hear yours.

1. I just woke up from a dream where I made out with Thom Yorke. Except he was actually sexy, not gross. This worked out well for me.

2. Even though I'm on my Lady Days, I'm feeling great and my skin is clear. I have a new skin regimen thanks to the very-cheap organic high end brands to be found at the Canned Foods Grocery Outlet.

3. I am performing an emotional break from someone in my life who has hurt my feelings too many times. Although this is painful for me, it has also been freeing. The last couple days have been easier on me.

4. Still biking exclusively. Yesterday I took kids on a lunch date at the airport / birdwatching hike and despite two incidents of shit-in-the-woods we had a great time. I am grateful to have a physically active family.

5. This weekend Ralph swept, mopped, and waxed the floors! I am a freak, I care about this stuff.

6. Counseling last night went very deep. My husband cried for the first time. I was so disgusted. Just kidding! But seriously... There was a point where he was describing me and his concepts at my intellect were making me blush. I knew he thought I was smart but there is some part of him that pedestals me in a way that is graphic and flattering (but also, of course, not so helpful when you come down to it). We both revealed a lot last night and took another step toward one another.

7. For abovementioned counseling appt. we hadn't had a babysitter lined up; we called a dear (childless) friend of ours and he said yes! We came back and the kids had enjoyed it; Sophie had modeled all her dresses for our big bear of a friend.

8. I have a new repertoire for caring for Sophie's hair and it is growing longer, thicker, and shinier. I have rejected my mom's "just cut it all short her whole childhood" method and am slowly, SLOWLY becoming capable with my daughter's hair. I know this is the Dumbest Thing Ever to care about but it means something to me.

9. The goodies from Ralph's recent gift certificate to Amazon.com are trickling in. Last night was a Spiderman game which they all played while I went to bed early. I'm looking forward to my books!

OK, bring it!

Today I got to buy a man's groceries. At the checkout I had been forced to go back twice; the second time I grabbed a smaller pack of tp as I realized I wasn't willing to bike through the screaming wind with a giant 24-pack toilet paper "sail" balanced on my handlebars. When I came to the checkout a man in a motorized scooter had taken my place (which was fine, of course). We waited and waited and when it was finally his turn he held up a food assistance card (we have electronic food stamps in washington state). The checker said with compassion, "Those aren't working. Anywhere in town. Something wrong with the state." There was a brief pause as this man considered his groceries and said, "Um well, I guess forget it then."

I stepped forward. "I'd like to buy his groceries," I offered. The checker gave a brief glance, nodded, and started ringing me up. The man tried to look over his shoulder at me as he said, "Oh, that's not necessary." I touched his shoulder and said, "No, I'd like to." (touching someone gently often softens them, I've found). The checker piped up, "Happy Father's Day!" and the man laughed and everything moved forward. His bill was only three items: a gallon of milk, a pack of hot dogs, and some Lay's chips (an excellent lunch, I might add). It only took a minute and I wrote my check for his items and mine.

After the man scooted off the checker said, "That was nice," and I said, "Yeah well, I appreciate it when someone helps me out." "You never know," she said (inexplicably). I was happy because how often do we get a chance to help someone? Usually when the situation presents and the impulse strikes I literally don't have the means to do it or I just am too shy and the moment passes. Besides, I have had to leave groceries before when my card was declined or some other minor financial drama and I know how much it fucking sucks.

Today's discussion: making it homemade!