So why don't adults treat them that way?
I have a friend. She's always late to meet me for lunch. Do I:
a)reward her with clapping, praise and a cookie if she's on time, and maybe a sticker and if she gets enough sticker she can have a prize.
b)punish her. If she's late she gets a time out AND doesn't get a cookie after lunch
c)get over it and accept her OR tell her I have a problem with it and then accept that she may or may not change her behavior OR bitch about it to my husband but love her anyway.
And how about my son when he does stuff that is irritating, not totally considerate, but doesn't hurt anyone?
A five year old is in a coffee shop reading a book quietly. She is called "good" by passing adults.
Later the girl gets up and wanders around looking at the artwork (her mom is talking to a friend still) and two adults say she's restless, a third comments on how thoughtful she is to be looking at the art. Later still (she's been in the coffee shop for well over an hour and her mom is still busy)she starts whining to her mom and tugging on her clothes and pouting. Now she's "naughty", "what a brat", "poor thing", and "I would never have a child like that". During this same time period adults in the shop have been quieter, louder, moved around more and faster, been raising their voice at the barista but no one labels any of them.
I am walking down the street with my son and two adults say hello to him. He says hello back. "What a nice little boy" says the second. Later he doesn't highfive a stranger on command and the stranger says he's shy. Then an old woman tells him she's going to get his nose and he looks away. Then she tells him he should come home with her and he says no. "What a mean little boy you are" she says, smiling.
If I walked down the street alone none of these people would likely have interacted with me, but if they did I wouldn't likely have been judged, labeled, teased and then criticized.
People don't get mad at me every time i say no. They don't touch me without asking much. They don't touch my head and face without asking or being close friends. They don't tell me who and how I am upon meeting me once.
Parenting books are so often about how we can change our kids behavior through trickery, manipulation, lies, giving them two options they don't like either of, praising them, threatening them, punishing them. But what about who he is and what he is and who he is becoming and his dreams and ideal? Where do they fit in when it's all about behavior?
He's not a dog. I don't want to use behaviorist techniques to shape his behavior. So that he will do what I want when I tell him to do it. Do I?
He's my equal. I have an enormous amount of power over him because I am his mom, his main squeeze, his one (for now at least). So shouldn't I use my power with thought and care? Shouldn't I be as gentle as I can to guide him where he wants to go? OR was he born bad, and it's my job to reform him. I know him. He was born good and true. So I can respect him, and teach him what will hurt him, and explain how people like to be treated and why. Explain that he shouldn't hit people because it hurts them, not that he shouldn't hit because he will get in trouble. Let his reward for being kind be the kindness and love that people give him for doing it, not making kindness = cookies. Not that cookies are bad. We both love cookies.
If I always tell him what to do and when and how and where, how will he know what to do and when and how and where when I am not there? How will he make good choices later if I make all his choices for him now?
I think he should do mostly what he wants. And mostly he does, and almost every single thing he does is pretty cool. He's four, he's a good person. And sometimes we have conflicts, but are they behavioral problems? Developmental problems? Or do we just not agree and refuse to listen or compromise together?
