guava's blog

This has been a crazy summer and I've been doing a lot of lurking here, but not much else! Anyway, here I am again...asking you mamas for advice.

My older son has started kindergarten, which has been pretty exciting (and kind of sentimental for mama). Something recently came up with his teacher - she mentioned that he hasn't been listening to her in class. This is no surprise. It's been an ongoing issue with us - something I've been working on with him, but it doesn't feel like I'm making much progress.

He's basically a good kid, but he tends to zone out. He's better at listening or following instructions in the morning. As soon as he gets tired/hungry or as the day progresses, pretty much anything you tell him goes in one ear and out the other. I hear that this is pretty typical of a boy who just turned 5, but it seems more pronounced in my kid.

What I typically try to do is to get down on his level, look him in the eye and make a request in a clear, calm tone. If he ignores me, I'll either tell him to do X or give him a consequence. Usually it's go into time out or I'll take one of his toys away for the rest of the day. But there are times when I can't stop what I'm doing and go through the whole routine (like in the middle of cooking dinner when he's running out the front door) and he Just. Won't. Listen.

Any other strategies or ideas would be much appreciated!

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. It's been fueled by the fact that I've been struggling with a chronic illness that I was diagnosed with in January, trying to balance fatigue and feeling icky with raising two kids under the age of five and working full-time from home.

Basically I am trying to get DH to pitch in more around the house, and it's been a frustrating battle. Lately I've been trying to focus on strategies and systems that I can put into place that will take the onus off of me. I hate having to constantly ask for help, or constantly remind him that I need it. I know he loves me and genuinely wants to help, but his behavior is an irritating combination of:
- ADD (as in, I ask him to do something, he does it once, then forgets from then on)
-bad training (as in, his mom never ever had him help her around the house, so he has no instinct about making his bed/doing laundry/doing dishes unless asked)
-taking me for granted.

We've been fighting a lot lately, and the constant rage I feel is draining me emotionally and spiritually. I am tired of being angry. I feel sick, I walk in on him leaving plates at the table or leaving clothes all over the floor and I just blow up and start screaming at him about how I am not the maid and who the fuck does he think he is and this relationship is slowly killing me because all I do is work and all he does is fuck off.

I am tired of being angry all of the time. And when I blow up at him, he stops listening and stops helping me and goes and hides in his man-cave and sulks and leaves me with the kids. So... not helping.

I am also realizing that I have my own issues with asking for help. As in, I am not comfortable doing it. I grew up in a family where my needs were either belittled, used against me as a sign of weakness, or categorically ignored. It was OK for my brother to flunk out of school because he had bad teachers, or attention issues or whatever, but whenever it was me I was just lazy, etc. So I'm really uncomfortable admitting that I can't do something, and my instinct when I don't feel well is usually to over-exert myself to prove that I can still "handle" everything.

But I am not handling it. And I need to get better. And I need to make the time and space to let myself get better.

So this is what I have done so far. I have stopped doing DH's laundry. I still do mine and the kids', but I'm just not doing his anymore. I haven't told him this, but eventually he will have to figure it out.

I also told him that it is his turn to cook two nights a week. They are set in stone. He is not allowed to get take-out those nights. He has to plan a meal, shop for it, make it, set the table and clean it up.

I am contemplating making him a chore chart, but I still have some dignity left.

What do you think? Is this sad? Any other ideas or strategies would be much appreciated. I am trying to take the emotion out of these discussions, mostly my frustration, and these approaches seem to be working better. He made dinner for his first "cook night" last night, and he was really excited about it...and it was a good dinner, and I got to relax.