i know i am not the only one who struggles with it. i would really rather opt-out. how many pro/con lists i have written. okay, deep breath. let me start from the beginning.

i am in a grad program through a regular university that has this program online. it's a top program in its field and it's convenient and sure to open up job possibilities for me. i've already been in the field for a while and though it is never going to bring home the big bucks (teaching) it does provide stability and the benefit of letting me live legitimately in a foreign country with my kids. i like not having to worry about money too much and providing everyone in my little family with health insurance. i have gone the other way, the starving artist way, and it just makes me too anxious. teaching is alright because it is a human-based job so i enjoy that, i enjoy helping people. but i really hate my grad studies. they are so boring but demanding. it pains me. i fall asleep continuously over my reading. i have never done that before. i will be reading an article about something like verb tense (25 pages or so) and i will literally fall asleep, face flat against the paper, during the day. i have gotten reading glasses (because these pdf articles print out all blurry and small) and now i fall asleep with glasses on. coffee doesn't work, sugar doesn't work, exercise doesn't work. i know it is something i need to push through but i just really hate my homework. i hate it. absolutely and completely. and what does this say about my field, my profession? i probably hate it too. but i can't quit. i am almost half way through and the student loan officers are sharpening their knives (they know where my parents live). it's so irritating because if i were listening to myself as a friend, i would give advice that i can't follow. i am the bread-winner and this degree with give us a few more loaves every year. but this sullen little voice chants in my head, life is too short, life is too short. i could get hit by a bus, i could have a stroke, i could get struck down by lightning any second. and instead of spending my minutes on this planet like i want, i have to worry about health insurance and student loan debt. i have to read words that i hate and write about subjects that are of no interest to me. is there a choice?

okay, i am glad to get that off my chest. i will exercise and eat some french toast, pick up my kid from kindergarten and then continue on the homework wheel. maybe it doesn't matter that i don't like what i am doing. maybe i am attaching too much significance to it.

So busy, it's hard to catch my breath. Here are my -ings.

1. Family: Teaching my eldest to read and write in two languages, teaching him basic maths, preparing him for 1st grade that starts April; chasing my energetic middle child, keeping him entertained so I can do homework/housework, teaching him his alphabet and how to use the toilet; watching my baby grow too quickly, being charmed by her laughs; helping my husband become who he wants to be

2. Profession: trying to stay up to date with my homework for grad school, trying to be engaged and interested, trying to remember my goals

3. Dreams: daydreaming without production, feeling creatively impotent

4. Moving: trying to wrap my head around our too soon move to a giant city, trying to budget and pack, looking at google earth too much

5. Body: exercising intensively and daily; eating cheap crap and good vegetables; watching my figure return as I remember it

(I posted this on my blog too)
So here is what I am going to do: I am going to make blankets and send them to Giving Children Hope for the survivors of the tragic earthquake in Haiti. If you would like to do something similar, they are accepting other material goods besides for blankets such as washcloths and pillows. I have made a little badge that you are welcome to use if you wish. Just copy and paste the code. It will take you to the original post about the earthquake but if you wish to change the link for your own post about this, feel free. Okay? Let's get making!

<em><a href="http://gu-choki-pa.blogspot.com/2010/01/hearts-to-haiti.html"><img border="0" view&current="myphoto.gif" = alt="Photobucket" src="http://i758.photobucket.com/albums/xx230/tiffanykey/myphoto.gif" target="_blank"/><img/></a></em>

I know there are a lot of sewers/craftsters here. This would be a good chance to combine your talents with your compassion. Send me a message or leave a comment if you want to get involved with this project. Thanks.

I originally posted the following on my personal blog: gu-choki-pa.blogspot.com

Like you, I've been deeply affected by this news. Besides for the financial support that I donated to the American Red Cross, I (like you) want to do more to help. I may be limited by means and materials, but I do have a stash of fabric and a sewing machine. A while back there was a project for sending baby caps to Haiti and I was thinking of doing something similar. Perhaps baby blankets? I'm no quilter but I think I could manage some simple baby quilts. I'll keep looking for an organization to contribute this to but in the meantime, I can get sewing. Would you care to join me? We could pool our blankets and send them in one package to make it easier.

Edited to add: Thanks to a tip, I found this site: Craft Hope with an address for Giving Children Hope. Problem solved. Now let's get sewing/knitting/making.

Edited (again) to add a comment left by Jenise from Giving Children Hope:
"Hi, this is Jenise from Giving Children Hope. You can see our news report here http://abclocal.go.com/kabc/story?section=weather/earthquake_center&id=7... and the story on our website here http://www.gchope.org/earthquake-rocks-haiti.html

Yes, this is a community effort. The story is so heart-breaking I keep bursting into tears. It is tragic. If you can help - we all need to help Haiti!"

so, over the weekend i posted a little rant against my imperfect husband.
i was feeling tired and overwhelmed and really couldn't maintain a non-emotional perspective.
then i got some fresh air and looked at the blue sky and felt much better. looking at something so expansive makes you realize how small personal tragedies are and how fixable they can be.
so we are once more working on our relationship. we get lazy with each other. and the stresses of living in a foreign country where we don't speak the language well plus being extremely isolated on an island shouldn't be discounted. we are moving cross country in three months, have a lot to do to prepare (save money, find a place to live), plus a new baby and grad school. overwhelmed is too small of a term. but i can manage. we can manage.
thank you for allowing me this space and being so supportive when my marriage hits rocky points. i need to remember to write more when it is smooth sailing. i'm afraid i'm a fair-weather hipmama. i'm sorry for it.
thanks again. take care.

November 23, 2:23 PM. 8 lbs, 5 oz, 21 inches.
Absolutely natural with all laboring done at home. Arrived at the hospital fully dilated and delivered within the hour. No complications of any sort. Now adjusting to taking care of 3 kids (+ my husband) but good overall.
Picture attached.

i really think that if i was doing a homebirth, that i would be much more mellow about the impending delivery of my daughter. here or in america, i just think that being outside of the conventional circle of due dates would be healthier. i am a pleaser. it isn't intentional but it is part of who i am. my reflex is to be polite and accommodating. i don't like to be a burden. i know it is ridiculous in these circumstances: i am bringing life into the world. so it is not so much the looming ideas of induction or c-sections that make me nervous but the idea that going past my due date somehow inconveniences others.

i didn't feel this as much with my last midwife but i knew that at the back of her head she had to consider the 42 week cut-off that my state imposed on all mothers. i found out just recently that except for one of my sisters, my mother had gone to 43 weeks with each of her four children. some women simply gestate longer than others. i am all for relaxing into these last days; i just wish outsiders would leave me in peace to do so.

there is something absolutely mindful about expecting a baby any day. i compared it (perhaps unfavorably) the other night to being terminally ill. you never know how much longer you have to complete normal projects. you don't want to leave loose ends so you are constantly tying knots and checking them to make sure they hold.
the dishes are always clean these days, the laundry folded and put away. even my homework is completed as it is assigned, a drastic change from my typical procrastinating ways.

it is going to happen, it is eventual. i have overcome my feelings of anxiety about the six days in the hospital, about the possibility of missing points from my gpa, about having to call the doctor in the middle of the night. bob marley's three little birds is now my theme song. i feel good. happy to accomplish what i can while i can. i trust my body and my baby. everything is going be alright.
hope you are all well. take care.
xoxo

let me preface what i am about to write by stating that i understand that my baby will be here in no time and that it is a beautiful thing that she chooses her birthday. this will (hopefully) be my last pregnancy so i am in no hurry for it to end.

that being said, i am also equally ready for the end. it is natural, i know, that expectant mothers become impatient. i suppose what i forgot about last time (those of you who remember, i went a bit over 42 weeks) was that the waiting is not the horrible thing but the constant preparation. especially this time. i am in grad school and am taking three classes and every week or two weeks i am expected to write these long papers for each class not to mention the participation on discussion boards (which i wasn't fond of before the third trimester so i am definitely not keen on them now). i am trying to keep on top or ideally ahead of the deadlines so that when the baby comes, everything will be peachy since i have to stay at the hospital for six whole days (japanese policy). so every time i finish a paper or assignment, i think okay, you can come now. but she doesn't and then there is another paper and another and i am starting to feel like i will never either have a baby or finish writing these stupid papers. it is frustrating.

i suspect that my anxiety has in the past contributed to delayed birthdays for my children and i really want to go into labor on my own for once. i want to lose my mucous plug, i want my membranes to rupture on their own. i want to have that thought, oh this is it. i have never had it before, i have always been assisted. i worry about my cervix, because that is always the most stubborn aspect of my births. i can have heavy contractions and the urge to push but only be at 7 cm. it is frustrating to feel like your body doesn't work. i want it to work. i have no idea if i am effaced or anything since they don't check that here until labor starts. i've just been told to walk. which is what i do anyway since i am a pedestrian.

anyway, i suppose i am just tired and full and frustrated and these are good signs because it means i am near the end. i need to nap but i need to do chores and homework first. and then, then this baby can come, right?

anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

Here it is Thursday morning so that means that after I finish my cup of raspberry leaf tea, I will be showering and heading to the doctor's.

I am 38 weeks and four days today, ripe and ready.

Last night I had a dream that I was on a riverside beach and an oversized horse came to where I was laying and laid its head on my belly.

I have been taking certain steps to help my body open up when Colette decides it is time. Yogic squats, walking, sex. All good, natural things.

I have also been watching a lot of natural birth videos via youtube. I am not so fond of the ones where the women keep repeating "it hurts, i can't do this" but am digging the ones where women laugh or sing through contractions. In the end all the women end up with a baby in their arms.

I must remember that.

I thought of an apt analogy for what happens when you get lost in labor. It is like when you are on a nineteen hour plane ride and there comes a point when you forget that you have a destination. You start to feel like the plane ride is your life. But then suddenly there you are, in Tokyo or Rome or Detroit and you forget about the ride. I am printing some pictures of my sons and me that were taken after the last births to remind me of my destination. I don't want to be lost again.

I am also working on visualization and meditation techniques. Not panicking when a contraction comes, breathing through it. I have to be my own doula this time. I am telling my husband ways of helping me. I feel more assertive with this baby, more likely to tell people what I need. Perhaps this is what maturity feels like.

It's not too late to sign up for Blog Action Day!

I'm taking a class called English in the World and for an assignment, I have to ask some people a few questions (we're in the introduction stage). So, if you don't mind, please answer any or all of the following questions:

- what do you think about the spread of english in the world? how do you think it happened? --do you think english will be (or already is) a global language?
-how do you feel about the fact that soon those who speak english as a second language will overcome the number of those who speak english as a first language?

Thanks a lot! Take care.

Post 1: The Search for a Baby-Carrier
so, i am in the market for a new baby-carrier. this being my third kid, i am aware that one carrier does not fit all so i am looking for stage appropriate carriers. i am interested in the moby wrap though it seems a bit complicated for my husband and myself. i am also wondering if it is good for newborns. i was thinking that i would start with a sling (but oh, the choices: padded, pocket, rings..) then transition to a moby wrap then pull my trusty ergo baby out of retirement. with our first son, we used the carrier by phillipe starck that was made for target. (if anyone out there has one of those and wants to part with it, please let me know, we can pay for it and the shipping!) we liked it because it was comfortable for us and our son and was very simple. i used a pocket sling and a padded sling with nico and those worked alright but not on long trips. we are pedestrians so comfort is a big deal in choosing a carrier. please let me know what you recommend.

Post 2: The Name Game
My doctor is absolutely positive this time that we are having a girl. I have a name that I like but my husband isn't sold on it yet. So, I opened up a little poll on my blog: gu-choki-pa.blogspot.com if you would like to visit and vote. The choices are:
Colette
Simone
Lucia
Celeste
Ingrid
Amelie
Gemma
Sylvia

You can also comment here if you like.
Thanks in advance.

no, there is nothing sexual to my dreams. in my dreams, they do things for me like cook dinner or give me a massage. they take the kids to the park and talk to me. these are things my waking life husband can't seem to manage. you see, we've switched roles again and now he is working (substituting for me while i am on maternity leave) and i am the high priestess of the domestic realm. i do everything now. cook, clean, laundry, lesson plan, tutor the kids, everything, above and beyond what he was doing when he was home. besides for buying groceries and making sure the kids didn't kill each other, his principle occupation when he was home was to surf the internet, looking at stuff he wanted to buy. for himself. so now when he comes home this is immediately what he starts doing. we don't have any money these days as we are saving for a birth and a big move so he is just window-shopping for hours. while i trudge up and down the stairs, doing everything that needs to be done in order for the house to function and for the kids to be comfortable (they are highly sensitive so disorder makes them a little nuts which in turn makes me nuts) he's sitting in front of the computer, looking at computers or clothes or, later on at night, girls.
i don't want to be a martyr and if i ask him for help he accuses me of being such. i am eight months pregnant, working on my grad degree full-time, and living in a foreign country. i wish i was near someone i could talk about this with but i'm not. does anyone have any suggestions on how i can approach my husband without having him retreat into himself even further? i really need some support from him but i can't figure out how to express this in a way that will make him take true action, not just temporary fixes. i am also the type of person that hopes their partner will figure these things out on their own so even having to ask for help from him makes my heart hurt. please, any advice is welcomed.

I know that we are in a different cultural/societal setting (Japan) but since we've had our son at school, he's been witness to more roughhousing than we think is appropriate. We never allowed him to play fight or war as I cannot understand the merit in such actions, even if it is pretend. He's gotten the message rather well and will step away when the others play like that. It is his 2 year-old brother that we are worried about. Nico plays at the park with Sebastian's classmates and their little siblings and has picked up on the "play" fighting with vigor. He is also rather mighty and determined so it is hard to correct him. We never hit at home, choosing to use non-violent communication methods and time-outs instead. This works with Sebastian and most of the time with Nico but still he's been hitting recently and this worries us. None of the other parents seem too worried about it, taking the boys will be boys approach. I despise this notion. Boys can be violent because they are in some sort of combat training? To paraphrase Maria Montessori, world peace begins with each child. So it is really important we find some effective way of handling this before it spirals away from us. The problem is that the playing is influenced by television programs like Pokemon and a hit series that is the latest incarnation of Power Rangers. This means that all my youngest sees on the playground is the mirroring of the violence out of context.
We want our boys to learn how to play with others despite their differences to develop a sense of tolerance and compassionate understanding, but I also don't want my son to ever think that striking another person is appropriate. Do I have to keep them away from other kids (a lot of my mama friends do this)? I don't want to over-shelter them. I want them to have fun, just without the violence. Is it possible?
If you know of any good resources (i.e., books, websites) that address this issue, please let me know. Thanks in advance.

So, I have had another resurgence of morning sickness. It's surprising in the middle of the second trimester to be sick again but there is no mistaking it for anything else. Food aversions, everything smells (reeks), and I can't keep anything down or move without threat of vomiting. In comes my new hero: Mr. Substitute Teacher aka my husband.
I feel bad because today I didn't know until the last minute that the nausea wasn't going to let up so he is running a little late. I'm sure he'll be fine, as I have had to do worse, but it is hard to have someone doing a favor for you and feel behind.
All that aside, as soon as I start feeling better, I look forward to having another day off. Yesterday was terrific. Nico and I worked on some Montessori activities together, did a lot of reading, listened to Peter and the Wolf again. When Sebastian came home from kindergarten, they played with puzzles, legos, and painted together. I had dinner almost ready, a nice vegan shepherd's pie with shitake miso gravy, and the house was essentially clean. On top of all that, I got my writing workshop work up to date with all my submissions and critiques in on time for once.
I know it must be hard to understand if you aren't a full-time working mom the absolutely amazing feeling of being home with the kids without a second parent. I have felt for so long that I would never have a break and now to have one, it is really wonderful. I can do all the things I dream of while I am working that never seem to get finished on the weekends. I suppose it is because in the morning now I only have one kid to tend to, and the afternoon brings a fairly responsible kid home to me. A loving husband who also wants attention in the mix means that I am overwhelmed. But not today.
Anyway, hopefully my body can start feeling as good as my mind so I can really enjoy the day.

So, after my last venting post, I have returned to update you on what has been going on.

Last Friday, a few of the mothers at my school figured out that I was pregnant. The news spread like wildfire so I was forced to finally tell my boss that I was expecting. I explained my plan: when it is time for my maternity leave, my native speaker husband will take over the position for a while. He accepted on the terms that my husband do a couple of trial classes to make sure he can do the job. This means I get to take time off after the baby is born and not lose my visa or salary. We did the trial classes this week in an unexpected way: I got the flu (along with my 2 year-old) and the boss asked my husband to sub for me. My husband wasn't too keen on the plan and even tried to back out a few mornings ("Just take a Ricola, honey") but he saw it through and Nico and I are getting better. I really think this is a positive thing as it can lead to an improved sense of self for my husband as well as taking the stress off of me.

I am trying to work on being my assertive and being a friend to myself. A lot of my homesickness stems from the fact that I am very lonely and I need to address that. I typically put others before myself and since I am about to have a third kid, I need to find a healthier way of caring for my needs. One of the ways I am doing this is through an online writing workshop. It is going okay though I haven't been so involved since I got sick. I don't like the short deadlines since I don't have a lot of extra time and need contemplation time before I get down to the actual writing. But it is a step and it is forcing me to examine what I want from this life. If I can get some clarity on that point it will be well worth it.

I'll be going to the doctor this morning. I was told by some of my adult students that there is a maternity clinic right across the river from my house with an English speaking doctor. And I can see it from my bedroom window. It's a small river. So I am going there this morning with Nico in tow to see what we can find out about this new one.

Tomorrow off to the city on a long ferry ride to get our new visas so we can stay another year here. Since finding out about my husband filling in for me, I am much more enthusiastic about the prospect. Also, we have reservations at a hostel in the city I used to work in for six nights during my summer vacation so we have that to look forward to. Then the baby in the fall. And hopefully a trip to America in the winter. A lot of positive points on the horizon. I'm still debating about returning to my online grad program and I need to figure out how to study Japanese more. Hopefully now that my health is on the mend, I can get my head in order too.

Anyway, again thanks for the lovely support and advice. This is really the only place I have to pour myself out without worrying about the consequences.

Take care.

My husband and I have been struggling for a while with our shared direction. I'll try to figure out what it is that he wants to do and he'll say something that doesn't exactly take into account our situation and if I point this out, he'll retreat into a temper tantrum (I hate to use that term about a 30 year old but slamming things, yelling at the kids, and walking out of the room qualifies). Or he'll suggest that we don't have to share the same direction. Which is kinda hard to wrap my head around considering that I have made a lot of compromises over the years based on what he wanted to do at the time. Like being here in Japan the first and second times. It is such a difficult discussion these days because it is like we only have two options: stay or go. I hate not having a buffet of choices. The thing is, if we stay, if my boss (whom I haven't told that I'm pregnant yet since I am not showing yet) goes along with my plan of letting my husband substitute for me when I have to give birth, then the plan is a bit after the baby's birth (like in the following spring) then I would find a better teaching job in a city. My issue with this is that I see my days stretching out in front of me without relief. My husband isn't exactly happy being a stay-at-home dad even though he wanted to do this, he wanted to homeschool the kids. But now he says he's waiting until our 2 year old is in preschool so he can get something done. He's disappointed with the new baby on the way as it delays his plans. I asked him what it is he wants to work on and he's super vague, "study Japanese, work on stuff". I totally get wanting space to work on creative endeavors but I don't think he understands that there will never be a right situation or time in terms of his definition of perfect. So it is irritating to me, pregnant and teaching full-time in a not so great school. I am really sad that I won't be around that much for the coming babe and that my husband, who is a very great father, will but with a touch of resentment. To me he seems lucky, to him he feels stuck.
The thing is, our options are slim. The recession makes moving or leaving even a not so great job rather difficult. Here we have insurance and a low cost of living. My oldest is enjoying Japanese kindergarten and learning a lot of Japanese and social skills (though not so much in terms of academic skills so I have to tutor him in the evenings and mornings). So it is not all bad. But my issue is with what is to come. Will I have to continue teaching English, finish a grad degree that I don't like, being the only breadwinner for an indefinite amount of time? He thinks it is the best plan but I am not so sure. I love Japan but I hate having only one option if I want to stay here.
I want him to get a university degree so he will be qualified for a working visa. He doesn't want to go to school. I really think it is unrealistic for a family of five to survive on a lowly teacher's salary in a foreign country. He doesn't see it that way. He's unwillingly to let go of the comfort we enjoy here for the possibility of improving our lot. It is a new segment in our discussion on this matter. You see, for a while, he couldn't go to school since there was an issue for student funding. But now that has been resolved and he still doesn't want to go. He will go through bouts of liking the idea of an art degree but now he doesn't feel like he needs to go to school for anything. I wish I could support him on this. I see his point of view. But I also see mine. I have to believe that there is more to life than just living in a foreign country because we like it.
I would go back to the States if I could. If I thought it would solve anything. That is the reason I went back last time. We were there for two years, with the intention that my husband would go to school and work so I could stay home with the kids for a while. But he couldn't get funding. And then he didn't like working full-time. So I took a teaching job so he could work part time. Then the recession hit and both of our jobs were cut. We moved in with my folks. It was uncomfortable. I slung coffee in a green apron. Moving to an island in Japan to teach preschoolers and live rent free seemed ideal.
But now he can get funding. He just doesn't want to go to school. Or he'll mention online programs. Which he can't start from here since he'll either need to take a placement exam or the SAT. So there is another indefinite delay.
Then there is the part of the discussion when he'll say, well obviously you're not happy here so what do you want to do? Which is a fair question but I think a deflection, distraction. Besides, I have made it clear that I want to work on my writing and take care of the kids. I think he doesn't remember this because it doesn't fit with what works for him.
Anyway, I thought I would put all this out here because honestly, I don't have any other sounding boards. We have told no one about the baby, even our closest friends. My husband has suggested keeping it a secret until after the birth which is somewhat of a charming idea except that I think it shows another step of denial.
If you have read though all my dribble and have any advice, please share. I think some outside perspective could go a long way right now.

So, it's just six o'clock in the morning and I am sipping cola and nibbling on some toast. There's only one thing that means...

I hate my house.

i've been reading all these articles about couples who can't split because of the recession, or loving families forced to live far apart and communicate via skype just to make ends meet, or divorcing couples who fight over who has to keep the house that is worth less than the loans to finance it.
how has this recession impacted your life so far?

http://www.cpsc.gov/ABOUT/Cpsia/cpsia.html

i like to think of all these different aspects of myself as being spokes on a wheel. and yet sometimes you have to focus on particular aspects in order to fully develop them. so my resolution for next year is to focus on developing my japanese language skills and continue working on my masters in teaching. and yet, and yet...

Hi Everyone:

I am really feeling the winter blues and thought I would seek to overcome them by making a manageable and inspired list of goals for these next few weeks.
-draw. i need to draw. drawing is one thing that makes me happy. writing used to do that but now it either makes me into a navel gazer or frustrates me because i am expecting too much with the first line of every story.

first, thank you for all your kind comments on my last post. these last few weeks have taken us on such a journey mentally and spiritually. thinking about a third child has turned our world upside down, made us re-evaluate where we are headed. most of all it has made me appreciate what i have right now.
just as i was starting to wrap my head around it though and face it head and heart on, the little one decided to move on. which, i really believe, is for the best.