Lapis's blog

i don't get it. I have to say that i've been checking in here for years and just do. not. understand how things get so messy here sometimes. maybe its me. maybe i'm lacking in some way emotionally but i really like having this place as an interactive and interesting place to go to think about my life as a women, as a person, potentially as a mother and as a friend. i appreciate how much people share about themselves and their families. i've learned a lot and thought about a lot of things that stem from this place. I don't always agree with everyone here and i don't always relate to everyone here but i find all of your lives interesting and assume that other people are here to do the same, to read about other people's lives and to think and share about their own life. in all of that, what i'm really trying to say is that i think we can, as a group, manage ourselves better than this and that we can also be ourselves whilst doing so.

vkitty please keep posting if you are inclined because i personally like reading what you write. i'm sorry that you felt bullied but it would be great if you could let it go.

madamfilth i think that you have a very direct way of writing that might seem intense to some folks... but i like you, what you write and how you say it.

at the moment I am just going to assume that everyone who writes or reads here, is well intentioned. okay, that is naive, but i think for the most part it is actually true. and i suppose i may be stepping the line here by saying all of this as i don't even have a kid yet and i don't even post on here very often anymore. but i think this is a cool group of ladies and i'd like to see people stick around... and i wanted you all to know that.

I'm back for a second. I've been reading a bit here and there but mostly staying away from anything parenting related because I'm still not pregnant and needed to put my mind elsewhere. So far three years of no birth control down... and hopefully not much more to go. But i'm realistic so i know that i might have many MANY more to go.

the good:
I can get ivf covered by my insurance. not sure how many times but we can get help of that nature. thank. you. Austria.

dh and i are good.

I can finally speak a decent amount of german.

I've settled in to life here now and I have some friends : )

and I'm really enjoying all the above things but:

I'm not pregnant yet. I've had the lap surgery. the polyp removed from my uterus. I'm on thyroid medication. I'm not depressed anymore. but so far its a no go.

My doctor would like me to wait up to ONE MORE YEAR. but I do not think I (or dh for that matter) are interested in waiting that long. So for now the plan is to:

turn 29 and enjoy a last little bit of toooo much wine.
only have sex when i feel like it (no more "trying")
go to albania at the end of July grill some fish and swim with friends.
and then start with whatever it is they start with in an IVF cycle in August.

hugs and a big hello to everyone
: )
Lapis

and I can't even cry about it. I'm just so tired and worn out and discouraged. And I'm also quite paralyzed by all the choices of what to do next and can't ever seem to shake the "just try one more month" feeling. I did Just email my doctor because I can't get my emotional shit together to call. I have much better access to fertility help here than in the states, even if some of it we may have to pay for, it will NOT be anything close to the amount back stateside. And I feel really lucky for that, but I'm still so overwhelmed. I think two years of patience before the first set of "big guns" came out is pretty good right? I had this laparoscopy and polyp removal just a few months ago and my spirits have been high and hopeful since then... but not today : (

Anyhow after a month of very well timed and thoroughly distributed sex... my period just arrived moments ago. right on friggin time! Dh is at work. the dog is sleeping. and I feel lonely and sad. we're coming close to that 2.5 year mark... or really the 3 year mark if you count the months we just didn't use birth control. Humble pie I'm eating now.... its seriously humble and I think I need some sort of foam hammer to hit myself over the head with.

Thanks for listening...

: (
Lapis