it says it all in the title. its been so many many many months... its been over a year actually. and if you count the unprotected sex where we weren't "really" trying, its been almost two years. sigh......

so ok. we just moved overseas and although things here (austria) are pretty sweet (we really like the city we are in and the people here and we will be moving into our awesome apartment tomorrow), up until NOW things have been either super stressful or intensely exciting or busy or new or we were living in a city we hated with work we hated. i understand that those types of circumstances can make it hard for some to conceive. but none the less, I am currently in another two-week-wait and instead of being excited, I'm moody and mean and angry and just plain ol irritated with my husband no matter what he does or doesn't do or should have done or I wish he had done. I'm cold and anxious and jumpy and snappy. I just don't want to be touched or hugged or anything. My boobs hurt like the dickens and I'd be excited that those are all pregnancy signs... except they've all happened before. so instead, i'm just resentful; that he has a job he finally loves (and that can both distract him from this ttc business but also is something he will get to have and love for a lifetime) and that he is a man (or even just a person) who doesn't have to carry the burden of being or NOT being pregnant every god damn month. and on top of all of this, my sex drive is gone!! I can muster up about five days before ovulation when I am in the mood about every other day. after that, its SUCH an effort for me to not feel grossed out by the idea of sex. all of this makes me really sad and feel really bad : ( and I want so badly to just be able to decide that I'm just not going to do any of this angry, resentful, sad, mad business... but alas, I can't really help it.

and of course, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with MY life here in this new country... or even just MY life no matter where we are. I am so distracted about this whole baby/family thing that I find it hard to focus on anything else I would want for myself.... especially in terms of what kind of work would be fulfilling to me. I'm lost in the ttc vacuum that I was certain that Id never get totally lost on. yes, i'm lost in it. totally and completely lost.

any thoughts or commiseration or ideas or supportive words would be ever helpful.
and thanks for listening to my rant

xo
Lapis

so we have exactly one month before our big move.
and we are freaking out. its tense and stressful and neither DH or I have any patience for one another's bull crap. Perspective? basically none. Scared to death? Basically all. We are just trying to remember how pretty it will be.

plus I'm in the middle of ANOTHER tww (will this ever end?)

Remind me ladies, that moving overseas is a great and fun adventure and that I WILL be able to learn German!! and one day I wont be spending half of each month waiting to see if I'm knocked up.

waiting for my period I suppose.
this whole process is so bizarre!

today:

cleaning and organizing to get ready for our move (to Austria). the pile of "to keep" is getting smaller and the pile of "yard sale" is getting larger. so that is GREAT!

and its also 14 days past my estimated ovulation. not feeling anything except wonder (tiny bit tired and a tiny bit sore boobs but that aint nothing new). DH says he's finally starting to get a bit more disappointed each time I'm not pregnant so we are both kind of waiting on baited breath... to see... if.. my temperature... goes down OR stays uuuupppppp! at least today its still up!

and then I felt like lunch and there was nothing but a bunch of scraps so I made: fennel, potato, red lentil, zucchini soup! with the tiny last bit of miso paste! hope its yummy.

hugs to the mamas!

first off:
good news: the man and I are in a super nice, sweet and loving place. such a relief after a little rough stint!

sad news: not pregnant. when my period arrives the hormone rush actually feels great! but then I just feel a lot of sad frustration that getting pregnant is taking soooo long.

so here is my LIST of all my attempts to make my body baby friendly:
omega 3's
a whole foods prenatal (2/3 dose)
hormone cream (made just for me from my ND)
probiotics
"pregnancy prep" (a mix of red raspberry and other fertility promoting herbs)
I walk FAR many times a week
I eat well (gluten/dairy free... and only occasional, like once a month, soy)
I sleep 7-9 hours a night
I drink enough water
I'm not a big caffeine person (maybe some green tea/mate a few times a week)
I have regular cycles
I temp/chart and seem to be ovulating regularly
I don't drink (maybe a tiny glass of white wine or a gluten free beer like once a month max)

I mean seriously what more can I do? ok ok, the relaxation thing is hard for me. I tend to run a little anxious. but I belong to a great group that does peer counseling, so I have a lot of emotional outlets to work on my "issues" and my hormone cream also has a little bit of added support for my adrenals.

I'm at a total loss here. its been nine months of serious effort. and a year and a half of unprotected sort of trying. I'm 27! NOT GETTING PREGNANT IS THE WORST JOKE EVER! my dh will get his sperm checked this december when we are back in canada so we can see if that is the issue here but in the meantime arrgh!!

Any suggestions or words of wisdom or great articles on fertility you feel like sharing would be incredibly helpful. Success stories are helpful too : )

fershility friend says we hit it on the day of ovulation. and that we have a "good" chance for conception.

feeling totally depressed/emotional/sensitive. not sure if that is a pregnancy sign or a "life is rough right now" sign
at any rate, i'm having a hard week : (

we are however, DEFINITELY moving to Austria!
yay!
yikes!!
we leave in mid December.

and the man and I have been having a HARD couple of weeks. i'm sad. he's sad. we aren't finding it very easy to be nice to one another.... even though we really want to be. please remind me that couples have hard weeks and months sometimes?

just putting it out there that I'd really like to get pregnant this month! I'm thinking good thoughts and I think we're timing much better than the past many months.

Come
On
Baby!!

We're ready for ya!!

Just returned sunday night from an amazing trip to visit my family in LA and Seattle. I don't want to be here in DC but I'm trying to spend some time relaxing on my day off, enjoying what there is to enjoy, trying to feel safe in our sketchy neighborhood and crossing our fingers that our landlord is not going to tell us that when our lease is up at the end of next month that we have to move from this amazingly cheap apartment. Danger vs Cheapness! today cheapness wins!

... and then of course, i'm waiting. six days to go until day 28. My temps this month look kinda funny, I'm assuming from all the flying, so Im not getting my hopes up. but I do have an ND apt next thursday and will be getting back some hormone test results, which will, if i'm not already pregs, hopefully help get this baby-ball rolling.

and and and... although Baltimore might still be on the table as a place to move for us, GRAZ AUSTRIA, is more likely. I'm totally excited! and it will be a really really big move. Anyone spent time in Austria? Tips for expatting? Shit, I need to learn some German! We would probably move in December or January!

ANOTHER prospect... (I know, there is a new one every few weeks or so... its driving me mad/always exciting)...

at any rate Baltimore is a NEW prospective city. I have heard all the scary bad stuff, I've been living in DC for a year now which I think has a similar sketchy "block by block" thing going on so I'm a little bit familiar....

but can you tell me something good? or places to stay away from? or neighborhoods that are amazing? Do/have any of you live(d) there?

do share?

I have been working for two weeks straight! and I am tired.... so coming off of THAT!

we are contemplating moving to Austria for the mans work... and if its not Austria we are just plain ol thinking and figuring out where the heck we WILL be moving next...

today is day 15... so um, we are humping away.

I turn 27 on Sunday.

Getting married on wednesday. (what? she never told us anything about that!?!!)

and then come the immigration papers..... and I HATE/and terrified of paper work!

life just feels so busy and chaotic and good and stressful and yowza!!! right now

was feeling sad this morning right after the temp drop. But now feeling good to have a definite answer. and excited to try again.

Also, looked at my chart again and realized that although we had lots of sex last month, our little three day dip in productivity was right before ovulation. real smart! and kinda funny.

Thanks so much ladies, feels nice to be able to share this somewhere.

xoxo
Lapis

but did realize that according to my chart I didn't ovulate until day 20 or so, so that may be why the late period. will try again next month. thanks for all the positive vibes mamas. no January babe for me but crossing fingers for a valentines baby!

Still no period! Temperature is still up. Boobs are feeling full.
Not testing until Friday and I bought a lot of tampons this months in hopes that because I just stocked up that I of course wouldn't end up needing them.

Listening to my ipod on shuffle. From my nanny days, I have a few kids song on there and this one just popped up. Also from my childhood. I think its very sweet.

So on occasion my period doesn't come until day 31 or 32. Day 33 would be pretty strange. and my temp (yes, I finally started temping) is still up up up!! So I"m hoping that there is a healthy and happy baby in there. I am not however feeling any "pregnancy" symptoms other than my boobs are slightly sore (less than usual however)

Also I've had a totally obsessive moment and decided that if I am pregnant I will give my baby some sort of horrible illness if I keep my current pt job which involves standing in front of a computer monitor (retail) for much of the day. the god damn computer totally gives me a headache already and a weird fuzzy radiation feeling as well (is it in my mind? possibly, although I'm not sure). I offered to cover for a co worker next week for eight!! days straight and have now decided in my mind that NEXT WEEK is some sort of critical developmental time for a fetus and that I shouldn't be near any computers at all let alone ALL DAY. any thoughts? we also just realized that there is mold growing on the ceiling of the store! man, I sure know how to make myself worry.

thanks ladies

I'm headed to NYC for the weekend. I've been putting off the trip since we moved from there last July. Its the only place I've ever felt so at home. and well, we may never live there again. feeling excited and kinda sad. But I'll get to see some friends, eat a gluten, dairy and sugar free cupcake and roam my favorite streets in the world!

this song reminds me of my beloved NYC

Really its a one and a half week wait... so wait, wait, wait we are.
and my mom is really excited!

also are there any other mamas here who don't/didn't have health insurance or know about what to do if you don't? I've always had insurance up until December when I had to transfer off of my NY insurance.... I thought I found a great plan and then got, you got it, DECLINED! for gluten intolerance and reoccurring yeast infections. Anyhow, I'm now currently without. I'm pretty sure that if I do get health insurance my premium will be VERY high . So I'm in a bind: Paying out of pocket lets me see the MD's, CNM, ND of my choosing and I've heard that hospitals will usually come up with a plan for folks who are uninsured. But if there are more complications beyond a C section, well, I could loose ALL my savings and possibly owe money. Any thoughts? ideas? sadly I'm too "rich" to qualify for any help.

thanks ladies
: )

I haven't told them yet (in fact I've only told two friends and a few doula acquaintances). I'm feeling absolutely terrified that people will have negative reactions. I don' think that is the case but I'm nervous anyway. soooo nervous that it brings me to tears! especially when I think about telling my mom.

But I'm starting to think that maybe telling my mom would be helpful. She loves me. She'll be so excited to have a new baby in the family, but I have this underlying feeling that she'll be upset or scared and wont be able to hold back from telling me. becoming a parent is something I've planned for and wanted for SOOO long. it has some serious weight in my heart and mind. I was pretty vocal about it as an older teen and younger adult and am probably judging my worries on the reactions I received in the past a bit too much.

and then of course there is my sister who will pee her pants w/ glee. my aunt, who also had a hard time conceiving, is an herbalist/acupuncturist and probably has all sorts of great info for me. my dad will be so happy and my guys family will be so excited.

thinking maybe I could start w/ and email to my mom. tell her I'm scared to tell her but want her to know what's going on in my life. its hard to have a close relationship w/ people when I'm omitting a huge part of my life from our conversations.

on a good note though, we've had (really amazing) sex almost every day this cycle (the first few of menstruation we skipped but we are seriously on a roll). we are feeling really in love and loving towards one another. we are having some great conversations about our relationship and our lives together (and how to maintain our individuality throughout a committed relationship). its feeling really good and I'm feeling really proud of us!

thanks ladies, any words of wisdom on the 'talking to family" front would be oh so helpful

yep. no baby this month. we tried a lot harder this time so I was feeling a bit more hopeful than I had the past couple months. but now that my period has come I'm feeling the relief of knowing one way or the other.

Hi Mamas,

Its Friday. I'm trying to stay busy so that I don't think/wonder/hope too much about being pregnant. The dog is walked and happy sleeping in the middle of the bed! I just had amazing leftover polenta and am trying to think of something yummy to make for dinner tonight that both the man and I can share (the gluten/casein free for me.... and vegetarian for him).

and shit!! I'm thinking about work!! and figuring out what kind of work I'd like to be doing. Basically my confidence has been kinda shot after getting a great postpartum client and THEN promptly loosing her because she felt like they just couldn't afford the care. and this keeps happening! Right now, I have a pt gig at a consignment store so I have a couple of regular work days a week and I often meet up with prospective clients or other doulas or birth workers so I'm doing some nice networking, but I'm so frustrated! I know I've got some great things to offer and I understand that people are not able to afford my services right now but do I give up at this early stage? I know it takes time to build a business but I need something a bit more regular.... and of course we will be moving in early summer which means that any good networking I've done will probably be paying off as soon as we're about to hit town. vent vent vent. thanks for listening.

and on the other end of this I know that I'll likely be going back to childcare once a baby comes, as I'm pretty sure that I want to be able to stay home and will still need some income. So I'm wondering: Has anyone started a home play school/daycare? Has anyone hooked up with another mama offering childcare and spending your days together so the work isn't so isolating? I really love hanging with babies and kids BUT it can really isolate you if you are alone with them all day. Has anyone offered more afterschool type care for older kids. Thinking something arts themed could be fun. Any ideas welcome.

I know this has probably been covered but I'm having a hard time finding some clear instructions.
can I do it from my iphoto or from a folder on my desktop?

Thanks : )

ok. I'm on day 17. seemed like I ovulated around day 11 (and we definitely did some humping the day before and during). yesterday and today boobs are a little sore (and usually that doesn't happen till next week) and I've been feeling a little weepy the past couple days. was checking the cervix earlier today and seems soft and high but closed. and whatever kind of checking I did seemed to cause a little bit of cramping today (and not in that ovulation cramp kind of way). crossing fingers here!!! trying not to get too excited!

maybe some mama vibes would help!
thanks

I don't post on here much, but have been trying to make some time to introduce myself, share a few things and say hello to the mamas!
thought I'd start with some grats:

1. I just got a new postpartum doula client! feeling a little nervous for some reason, but also excited!

2. I also got a new part time job at a consignment store (yes, I do get first pick on clothes that come in). There are really lovely girls who work there and its such a nice mental break from the other work that I do.

3. really nice snuggles with my man. and waking up to his nice face in the morning.