Anna Quindlen, Newsweek Columnist and Author

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that
make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like. Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernib le except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Quick, right now?

My SO and I have this thing...we find that we constantly have totally weird and random songs in our head. Sometimes they're things that we heard in the background at a store or on a commercial or something like that, but sometimes they seem to come from nowhere. What is the deal with that, anyway? The brain does weird shit, I guess. Yesterday, I stepped outside the office for a moment and found that the song in my head was "Crimson and Clover." So random.

We have this cat. He was my daughter's gift for her 3rd birthday. Really, he's quite laid-back and the perfect cat to have in the house with two preschoolers--loves the attention of the kids chasing him around and doesn't mind when my dd lugs him about like a sack of potatoes. But nighttime...this is becoming a real problem. He's only about 9 months old and still in kitten "play" mode. He's an indoor cat so I realize he has some energy to get out. Unfortunately his hunting instincts and desire to play generally come through at around 4 a.m., when he wakes my SO up by attacking his feet and legs and, when thrown off our bed, proceeds to go into my daughter's room and attack *her* legs, waking her up, crying, yelling for mama and begging me to get the kitty cat out of her room. ("Mom, close the door as FAR as you can!!!") So anyway, anyone have any suggestions? I am sleep deprived because of this damn cat. Love him to death but the middle-of-the-night attacks are pretty much ruining my whole week.

Just wanted to say thanks to all you mamas for your kind, helpful suggestions and equally-as-helpful commiseration in regard to the somewhat willful and challenging behavior of three-year-olds. I am happy to report that this morning involved no tears on my part, and that dressing proved to be a success, helped in part by picking an outfit before bed last night. I really think that's something that will work for Selah. Of course, our morning did not remain completely incident-free as the "I'm-a-big-girl/I'm-a-little-girl" clash continued when I had an armload full of stuff but Selah wanted to be carried to the car. The tears came when I said i couldn't because I had full hands, and she crumpled to the floor, but my going to the door and heading outside caused her to quickly follow. We then arrived at school where she again became tearful--she transitioned into a Pre-K class about a week ago and has thus far been very excited about it, but this morning she was not feeling very confident and wanted to go back to her toddler class. Again, a happy smile and "big girl" encouragement and an imaginary "baby Godzilla" chase (living with boys has introduced her to Godzilla, who she for some god-awful reason appears to love) and discussion about how sad her Pre-K friends would be if she wasn't there proved fruitful.

Groan. 3-year-olds and not listening. The past three mornings I have been in tears. The last two nights for dinner I have been in tears. Mornings consist of screaming fits about getting dressed, nearly every day. Doesn't matter what I pick for her to wear. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what times she goes to bed at night. Screaming fits. Every fucking day. Dinnertime--working on getting her to sit in her chair and eat her food without throwing it on the floor or getting down to run circles around the table or pull the cat's tail or whathaveyou. I put her in time out if she doesn't sit at the table "like a big girl" but these days I'm having trouble even getting her to sit in time out. I can't get her to brush her teeth when I ask. i can't get her to get in the bath tub when I ask.

This is kind of embarrassing, so please bear with me, but I am really trying to deal with my feelings about it and not doing so very successfully. My SO and I work together. We met in the workplace. It seems kind of fun and okay to date someone you work with, but I guess it can get complicated after a while. We are now living together as well, and we work really closely together, not just in the same building, but on the same "team" in the same department.

So he was recently promoted. I should have been very proud of and excited for him, right? I wanted to be. i had thought I would be. But I wasn't. I felt sort of shafted and bitter about the whole thing. I was kind of taken aback by my reaction and am embarrassed about it, but for some reason I can't shake it. He and I have worked here for basically the same amount of time. We've worked on similar projects. He's been given a lot of leadership opportunities, and I have not. There may be various reasons that he was given those leadership opportunities and i wasn't. But here's the thing: I feel like we have equal skill at our job. In some ways I feel like I actually have a better natural skill at what we do than he does. We just do things a little differently. He is slow and methodical. I kick ass at learning and getting things done quickly, without a whole lot of mistakes. The other difference is that he is very friendly and outgoing. I am much more introverted. Am I hard to work with? No. I think I'm actually pretty easy to work with. (I think, anyway.) But I don't go out of my way to talk to everyone in the office. Just how I am. I keep to myself. I don't kiss ass.

My SO's son, age 4 and a half, has been having some behavioral problems at school recently. We were talking to our therapist about it today and he recommended fish oil supplements as something that could possibly help to reduce anxiety and heighten his mood. Anyone have any experience/success giving fish oil supplements to their kids? If so, any thoughts on the best form in which to administer it/dosage/etc.?

But I think the nursing has finally come to an end! We have been waning on the nursing for quite a while...really only for a minute or so at night before bed and occassionally in the morning, but prior to and after Selah's 3rd birthday, I started talking to her about how she was a big girl and soon wouldn't need to nurse anymore. I don't think she's been getting any milk for quite some time, just comfort sucking a little bit here and there. It's been getting more and more uncomfortable for me. So finally, last night, when she got into bed and asked to nurse, I said no. She threw a very small fit, during which I said, "We can cuddle and hug but you are a big girl now and don't need to nurse anymore!" Finally, she said, "Okay, then I want to ride the school bus!" Chuckle. But she calmed down quickly and all was fine.

...that voters had no problem electing enough Democrats to completely control the entire U.S. Congress, that multiple states with long Republican histories have now elected Democratic governors (in some cases, for the first time in decades), that voters in several states have also given Democrats power in their state Congresses, and that voters in South Dakota slammed that fucking abortion ban bullshit...

BUT...

gay marriage bans passed in EIGHT states?!?! I can't even begin to express how wrong I think this kind of legislation is.

There is something seriously wrong with this picture.

I'm curious what people think about smoking bans. My state has included on the ballot for next week's election a constitutional amendment that would ban smoking in all public places. They've also included a separate issue, not a constitutional amendment, that would give businesses the choice as to whether or not to allow smoking in certain areas. I've been emailing with some friends and family who are considering how to vote on those issues, and my sister had something interesting to say:

"I would prefer to have smoke free restaurants and bars; however, I see this as a government control issue. If they control this, what else will they try to control? I am in favor

My little fairy (darling skirt courtesy of Maggiestrailer!!)

Selah will be three in a week and a half, and I'm having a party for her at our house with family and a few friends. There will be, I think, five 3-year-olds and a 4-year-old in attendance. I'd love to come up with some kind of activity for the kids so that it doesn't end up being a 3-hour free-for-all, which can get a bit crazy with kids that age. Anyone have any ideas? Maybe a craft or a game or both? I'm also planning to make her cake this year. Anyone have a good cake recipe they want to share?

I love this age--almost three and coming up with the most creative ways to describe things. Here's a gross but funny one: The other morning I went in to wake Selah up, only to discover that she was lying in something brown and dried and crusty that smelled suspiciously like vomit. Aside from the fact that i felt terrible that I hadn't realized this had happened, I also wasn't sure, at first, whether it was, in fact, dried vomit or dried poop. So I said, "Selah, what happened? What is that?" And she said, "Poop!" So I checked her pants--no poop. And she said, "No, mom, I pooped out of my mouth."

Selah had her first hair cut EVER yesterday! I was so afraid it would be a debacle, but it went wonderfully (due perhaps in large part to the very large purple lollipop that she got to eat throughout the event).

Anyone have a tried and true remedy for getting that cat piss smell out of carpet? We moved into our new house over the weekend, and there is one bedroom that just reeks of cat piss. Old tenant must have had a cat that sprayed all over that room. I tried the Arm & Hammer carpet deoderizer spray that you vacuum up last night, and it did only marginal good. Anyone? I'd like to get the smell out because, obviously, it isn't pleasant, but also, we'd like to get a cat of our own soon, and I know if we don't get the smell out before we get the new cat, it will likely start spraying in that room, too

Okay, so, at some point between now and, well, I'm not entirely sure when but probably before October 1st, I will be moving. I believe the living accommodations have been procured (nicely kept half double on cute quiet cobblestone street for obscenely cheap rent next door to aging gay couple who also serve as landlords and one of whom also happens to be hard of hearing, which mean noise shouldn't be an issue). Aforementioned quaint couple/landlords met us and all but begged us to move in.

But yes, I did, in the course of that paragraph, mention the word "couple," and yes, my boyfriend and I and our collective children (his only on weekends) will be living in said accommodations together. If I'm being completely honest, much about this prospect fills me with complete and total anxiety. Please tell me that i am not the only person on the face of the planet who internalizes the word "move" or "relationship" or "commitment" and wants to run for cover! Seriously. It's not that I'm opposed to any of those things (and I am, in fact, very much looking forward to many of the benefits that will come with living with a person that I love). It's just that there is a lot of anxiousness involved on my part about:

One shithole down, hopefully better prospects to come. My bf and I looked at a house last night (the slumlord who showed it to us simply *had* to be joking--there's no other explanation) and are going to look at another one tonight in hopes of finding a place and moving in by the beginning of October. And, I never thought I'd say this, but it was exciting to go through and make a rough budget for ourselves last night to see where we stand (came out better than I thought we would)! All things considered, it's going to be really nice to share expenses. But on the more fun side of that, I am simply THRILLED that we are going to be living together, will have our family together, will get to share the holidays together. We've had an interesting summer, but I think this is a really good thing that is going to last a long time. He is my best friend and a really wonderful support. We've grown and learned a lot together in the past 10 and a half months. Anyway, after nearly three years of single parenting, I feel like I should make a grats list of all of the things that will be nice about cohabiting (although I'm sure that some things I won't know until they happen)....such as....

The goat is going to little Miss Maggie!

If anyone is interested, I have one from Selah's first Halloween that I need to get rid of (what are we supposed to do with these things, anyway?). Only worn once, put back in original packaging. She was six days shy of her first birthday, and it was pretty big on her, so I would imagine it might fit a kid between 12 and 18 months, although I probably need to check the weight. Oh yes, it's a goat. Sounds silly but it was so friggin' cute. Here's a pic. Anyway, if ya want it, let me know or send me a PM with your address and I'll be happy to send it to you!

Just wanted to say thank you to those who offered thoughts on the custody issue that I posted about last week. I appreciate all of the suggestions. I'm not sure whether it came across in my post or not but the custody issue and a child's ability to be involved with both of his or her parents is something that I take very seriously. The conflict that I was feeling when I posted had to do with the fact that a) here's a little kid who I care about very much, and I'm worried about his well-being in his mom's house, but b) it breaks my heart to think about any child not being able to live with or spend a good deal of time with his or her mama. I recognize the issues that my own daughter has and could continue to have due to the fact that both of her parents are not actively involved in her life; thus, I feel like any action that a parent (*either* parent) could take that might affect a kids' involvement with the other parent should be very carefully considered. I know that a lot of people have certain concerns about the reasons that a father might try to get full custody of a child. All I can say, without going into laborious detail about that, is that I think the concern here is purely for the well-being of the child, and nothing else.

I haven't had much in the way of communication with Selah's dad in quite a while. The communication that we have had in recent months has not been very positive or productive. Anyway, I sent out an email update today to family and friends about some things that Selah is doing. I always include him on the email list. Sent the email to his work address and it immediately got returned. Like one of those automated returns. You know, the kind of thing that you get when a person's email address isn't valid anymore because they've lost their job. I tried to call him but no answer. I haven't checked my bank statement recently to see whether I've been receiving child support recently or not. In a week where I have learned that my daughter's already-way-expensive childcare is going to go up $60 per month, finding out that I won't be receiving child support anymore because he lost his job would really, really suck.

It's funny that, even though I grew up with a mother who suffered from depression, I'm still not sure how to best deal with it when I see it happening in others. (Actually, maybe it's *because* I grew up with that and it's so close to me that I don't know how to deal with it.) Nonetheless, you mamas who've had experience with this, I'm wondering if you can give me some thoughts here: when you see depression coming on in a person that you love, what do you do? How do you lovingly tell a person that it might be time to call a therapist, to think about antidepressants again, stuff like that?

It was a very odd thing--I literally saw it this morning in the eyes of a person very close to me. (And yes, by the way, this person does have a history of depression.) The dull, tired, almost-hung-over look that I've seen before in this person's eyes at just that front end of a depressive episode. The I'm-so-tired-but-I-just-can't-get-enough sleep look. And, oddly, when I think about it, I felt it in the person's behavior yesterday, and the day before. It's almost a drifting thing...them quietly drifting away from you, beginning to seem slightly off, slightly disinterested, slightly not-quite-themselves. The thing that scares me about it is that I know what it leads to, and I want to do help the person to try to avoid that if it's possible. It leads to a place that is infinitely more difficult to get out of than it is to get into.

Because I really don't get it. How is it that a person who happens to be biologically a man is so different from a person who is biologically a woman but identifies as male? We've had a couple of individuals here like that, and both of them have been welcomed. Okay, so a person who is biologically male can't go through pregnancy or childbirth or breastfeed their child. But the same goes for a woman who adopts a child, doesn't it? Once the child is in the world, a parent parents. And single parents generally do the work of two parents, so a guy who happens to be a single parent probably has a pretty decent understanding, in some sense, of what moms tend to typically go through.

I know we've talked about this before but I can't really remember. I know it absolutely varies from kid-to-kid, but I guess I'm wondering, in general, what amount of sleep a two-year-old really *needs*? (Actually, she's closer to 3--birthday in November.) I ask because Selah has of late been super-cranky, especially in the mornings. I have generally made a habit of putting her to bed around 9, with her waking in the morning around 7/7:30, but lately, I've been hard-pressed to get her out of bed by 7:45 or 8, and she has been a BEAR to get dressed, ready, and out the door. Honestly, she just seems tired! I've decided to try getting her in bed at night by 8:30 to see if it helps at all. She also takes a nap at daycare every day (and at home on weekends), generally for around two hours (although at times she sleeps for more than that!).

I am truly baffled that the upcoming season of "Survivor" was a) created in the first place and b) will even be allowed to air on television. The show will involve teams that are segregated according to race: blacks, white, Latinos, and Asians in separate groups, according to information in today's media. I am shocked and appalled that this has happened, is to be aired, and that the network is proudly talking about it in the media!

Go to cbs.com if you have a second. There is a "Feedback" link at the very bottom of the home page, in the far left. Send a letter.

I'm totally boycotting this if it does, in fact, air.

So on a recent and rare afternoon on the couch, off work sick and childless for the afternoon, I took part in one of those guilty pleasures in which I get to indulge maybe three times a year: watching Oprah. The Oprah part aside, I thought the topic was relatively interesting. Talking to women who engage in various self-destructive behaviors--eating disorders, alcoholism, driving under the influece, etc. The therapist on the show made a comment that struck me as very interesting: "When we become parents, we lose our right to engage in self-destructive behaviors." She mentioned this in relation to all of the things mentioned above, as well as smoking and other various and sundry expressions of self-hatred and loathing.