i'm goin' *here*. (see attached)

any creative proposal (marriage wise) ideas? this is purely hypothetical.

firstly, motormouth - thinking of you...
secondly, welcome to the world madeline grace , born 2/25/10 at 8amish (my time) to my lover's brother and sister-in-law.
we're all just deranged with joy.
so.
there's that.
and also, hooray babies!

1.) cigarette free 6 weeks tomorrow. cuz i rock.
2.) lover's brother's wife is in labor...hooray new baby!
3.) http://xkcd.com/388/ - cuz even though i don't get alla the stuff there, what i *do* get cracks my ass UP.
4.) my bestest friend, v, because she is lovely and fabulous and strong and brave and noble...just, really, a total loyal pisces all around. and i love her.
5.) a clean bathroom (yessssss.)
6.) baby daddy is moving back in 3 weeks. this will end the heinous month on month off "custody" (i hate that word, but really, what other word is there?) agreement we've had for 4 or 5 months.
7.) the fact i think my saggy, plush, rumply, jiggly mama body is HOT.
8.) my recent recovery from the HANGOVER FROM HELL.
9.) argyle socks.
10.) thai food. green curry with tofu especially. but, really, any thai food will do.

woo! that felt good. umm, also, i have a poem i'd like to share, but i don't want to force those who maybe aren't super interested into mandatorily (sp??) scrolling through it on the main blog page, so...anyone want to share how to do the "read more" push button link-y thing? if it's hard, though, please please baby steps, cuz i suck hugely at computers.
much love,
ladyshadykati

just a tiny piece of frustration/inconvenience...i hit a massive fucking elk driving home from work at 530 in the morning today. my jeep is totally, um, *totaled*. boo. i just spent 1200 (of my mom's money) making it driveable, like 2 weeks ago.
awesome.
so, now i'm in the hole with my mama, owe the tow truck company and still have no driveable car.
ok.
but keeping perspective, i am not hurt. the child was not in the car. i didn't get cited for anything by the cops.
these are good things.
i think i'm just gonna buy me a really cool bicycle.

just a *tiny* mention (in the spirit of tiny things that seems to be taking over).
i was voted dispatcher of the year for 2009 by my co-workers for my agency.
(toot).
ok.
that's all.

and maybe you shouldn't read it if yer feeling fragile. or extra tired. or if yer baby is sick with a fever and yer more vulnerable than usual.
cuz this is really hard.
but i need some vibes. and more than me, this family needs some vibes. so i write.
even though it's really hard.
a toddler was killed in a house fire today in the town just outside of ours. the call came in this morning and, so selfishly, i thank the universe that i was not working, did not have to answer the line.
and all i'm going to say, because this is not my tragedy, is please send yer thoughts this way. to this family who lost their treasure, and to each other, every one of us here. because we are each embarking on this journey that is heartbreak and joy and the simple terror of not knowing.
our hearts are breaking here.

so...i'm ten days cigarette free. this is not an insanely long period of time, isn't even really a "milestone" date (like, say, two weeks? a month? a year? (gasp)). but it's something. and i'm tired. and i'm cranky. but i can breathe
deep
and revel in each breath. i can realize that when i light a cigarette it is a vicious and conscious assault on my body and my well-being, it is self-destructing at its smokiest, it is the anti-thesis of self love. so i breathe
deep.
chew on a straw instead.

so...yesterday we had a little incident, my kiddo and i. he *almost* choked on a piece of cheese toast he was mauing down on for lunch (and by almost, i mean, pretty much DID, but no worries - everyone's alright, i know cpr (not that it came to that) and i'm a 911 operator, so i stay pretty cool in dire circumstances, even though his eyes were a little bulgy for a second and there was serious potential for a scary choking disaster, we pulled through...)
aaaanyway...
the REASON he "almost" choked was because he was cramming that cheese toast into his mouth like there was a time limit or something, i mean, fer real, he wadded that sucker up and stuffed it on in, so - today, maybe i was the *eensiest* bit paranoid about mealtime. we had cottage cheese (very mushy, no problems there), shrededed carrots (very tiny, no problems there) and a quesadilla (seriously, gotta love cheese and bread, however - mildly chokable). so, for every bite kiddo took, i would say "ok, finish what you have? ok, ahhh." and get him to open his mouth to make sure he had, in fact, swallowed, before the next bite.
well.
this was, admittedly, a little tedious. but, ya know, choking sucks. so, as he was eating, it got to be where he would bite, chew, swallow, ahh, all without me saying anything. and then, after one of his swallows, he neglected the ahh before the next bite. and i was like, "hey. baby. ahhh." and that child looked at me, went "ahh" and ROLLED.HIS.EYES.
he'll be two in 3 months.
who IS this big big kid?

for awhile there i'd look at all of my childless 20-something lady friends, with their perky tits and their tiny hips and flat little bellies, their utter lack of stretch marks and thighs that do not touch, let alone rub together with enough friction to spark a fire in a monsoon, when they walk, and i think "oh, yes. those were the days." would if i could have spent them glorying in my early 20s fresh prettiness without worrying about this stray (chin) hair or that (unnoticeable, purely imagined) lovehandle.
sigh.
and then, i dunno, when the kid was about 10 months...twelve months, maybe? (funny how time gets so watery and fluid after you have a kid), i hit a serious bout of body hatred and insecurity. and it straight Sucked. and i floundered in it for, oh, a week or two before i sat my self down and said, firm but with some love, "chic. we are NOT doing this. we are NOT wasting our precious, scarce time and energy on self-loathing and hatred. NOT DOING IT."
so i came up with a plan.
and the plan started with getting naked, daily and often, and looking in the full length mirror hanging in our kitchen (don't ask) and saying things like "yeah girl!" or "who's so sexy?" or "my god, you are fucken beautiful." or "pretty pretty lady."
and i did this for awhile, and felt better. but not good. far from fabulous.
so the plan progressed.
and when i would take showers (which, fer a dirty hippie, i do often and with great joy. it's my own hot, steamy, safe, quiet little space in this world), i would soap myself with great ceremony and care. notice how nice my skin felt, the way my stretch marks are kind of numb yet, somehow, also kind of supersensitive. the way my body simply FELT good to my hands. the luxuriousness of my rump, the stretch of my belly, the solidity of my hips.
and i did this for awhile, and felt better. good. not so far from fabulous.
so the plan progressed.
and i started feeding my body foods i had prepared with love and care, with my own two hands. and i listened to flesh for the pangs of hunger, the cotton of exhaustion, the cramp of inertia; and i responded accordingly. noticed all of the strong strong holding my arms accomplished: of child, of laundry, of lover, of books. noticed all the far far walking of my legs. the agility of my spine, the sway of my hips, the pleasant bounce of my breasts when i moved.
and i did this for awhile and felt better.
fucken fabulous, in fact.
and now. i love this body. this stretched out, padded, hang-y, jiggly, foreign body that has become my home.
and i wrote the following yesterday, thinking of alla the mamas out there, and how i'm hoping yer loving yer bodies too:

i think...no,
i know
i look
infinitely more gorgeous
when i am wearing
nothing
as opposed to
when i am wearing
some thing
(even my sexy butt pants
and
favorite grey tee -
a shirt so soft
it
feels
like nothing).
when i am
naked
and
prancing,
all of my
self
is proud
unashamed
and jiggling
joyously in the breeze.
my breasts hang,
my hips are wide
connected
solid
and life-giving
to two sturdy legs.
my ass is ample,
my arms strong,
my neck graceful,
my tattoos clothing me
only
in self love and expression and

nothing

can touch me.
unless i say so.
then
you can touch me
all
you
want.
*******************************
go love yerselves, ladies.
shadykati

oh mamas. just a post to say i was thinking of alla ya, walking in the cool, sunny, crispy first day of 2010. i hope yer upcoming year is filled to the very top, brimming, with blessings and growth and truth and honesty and clarity and guidance and joy and silliness and sweet sweet kid kisses and more. alas - my hopes for...'010? "the ten"? what do you even call 2010 in shorthand? anybody?
.) a sane healthcare plan for the US
.) peace
.) access to healthy food, clean water and livable shelter for all
.) an explosion in the local food movement
.) a shift in the collective consciousness
.) a mama centered/led/devised revolution
.) healthy, safe, happy kiddos fer all.

happy 2010!

skl

just real quick.
1.) that i'm not the only one with a skull fulla goo instead of a brain.
2.) no, really. gooheads unite.
3.) random encounter on a plane turned lunch outing with a really interesting and wise old hippie dude.
4.) penpals (being one and having one).
5.) quad shot espresso drinks (fucken grave shifts).
6.) kid-free time (hall-lelujah, hall-lelujah, hallelujah hallelujah, halle-e-lujah!)
7.) good dark beer, italian food and sex - all in one night!
8.) my car NOT getting towed cuz i got city hook-ups (ye-eah.)
9.) this website... http://6512andgrowing.wordpress.com/ (cuz she's from my town! (gasp!) and wonderful! i ran into her at the thrift store a few months back and was totally star struck and tongue tied cuz she is too brilliant.)
10.) my hipmama.com membership (STILL) cuz it's so nice to not feel alone.
sending you things sweet, salty and sexy,
shadykatilady

their brains are leaking out of their ears? like, kind of a slow, gelatinous trickle - so slow and gelatinous, in fact, that, say, you don't really notice it until, maybe, you step out onto the balcony at work for a smoke break (i know - bad mama!) and you realize that yer mental traffic is akin to - oh, i don't know - a television show? 'cept maybe it's a television show on an old 1950's black and white set, and you don't have a tv hookup, just rabbit ears, and the screen is so staticky and wavy, you can *kind of* discern shapes and sounds, movement and murmurs, and you know if you could just get under all that static, all those waves, there would be dialogue and a plot and facial features, 'cept...you can't. and yer standing out in the cold and you realize (gasp) yer brain is...shall we say...empty? and you start to worry about all that pot you smoked in college, 'cept, that never really seemed to bother yer brain too much until you got pregnant. and now, even though yer kid is nearing two, you feel absolutely brain dead at times, like really, not much is going on up there and - well - it scares you a bit. do you ever feel like that?

so...just spent the past week at my mama's house in denver to celebrate the solstice. my sister, her (pregnant!) wife and their kid flew in from oakland and we all got to spend some time. it was a little less relaxing and more stressful than i was hoping, but it was still amazing to see the family, cuz...get this (!) i actually LIKE THEM.
so blessed.
but what i wanted to tell about was our first (of hopefully many) annual solstice celebration...YAY! i came up with the idea because i wanted my kiddo to have rituals and traditions for the holiday season, but ones that meant something to me, rather than the standard, culturally created holidaze stuff. so. we baked a yule log cake (SO YUMMY) me and my fabulous sister, while the kiddies and bubby (my mom) and my sister's wife were napping, and it was so nice to just laugh and bake and chat and drink beer together in the bright kitchen with the hum of the dishwasher and the quiet house all around. and then, after it was baked and everyone was up, we did a little gift exchange which was fun and sweet and thoughtful and kind. and then we ate a delicious home-cooked meal (thanks sister-in-not-quite-law) and drank more beer and chatted and laughed and just enjoyed each others company. and then, THEN we brought out the yule log. and sister's 3 year old little bear picked out 8 candles (one for each family member and one each for my best friend V and her girlfriend who came over) and we put them in the cake and turned off all the lights. and V asked each person at a time which candle they would like lit and then lit it. and then the person who's turn it was would say one thing they were thankful for and then blow out the candle and make a wish for the upcoming year. and it sounds kind of little and silly (like some sort of a glorified birthday cake type thing...) but it was really truly gorgeous. it was quiet and it was full of thought and it was meaningful and my heart sang at the sight of the people i love most in the world being thankful loud and giving up their wishes to the smoke and the air and the simple act of exhaling.
i wished for guidance.
guidance guidance guidance.
cuz i so desperately need it right now.
can i ask,
what do you mamas do when yer feeling like you could use an instruction manual from the big mama in the sky? throw tarot? meditate? heads or tails?
happy (belated) solstice to you all. i hope the lengthening and brightening of the days brings you each joy, clarity, beauty and peace.
much love.
k

...ok. maybe that came out a little creepier than i meant it to. (or a lot, but whatever.) what i MEAN to say is that for the past few months or so i have been nosing around here, reading all of yer blogs incessantly and falling head over heels in love with each and every one of you. i am SO excited to finally have a username -YAY!- (there were some technical difficulties for a while there)...so-
hey hip mamas!
my name's kati and i'm 24 and i have a 20 month old firecracker of a little boy who alternately tugs at my heartstrings and my sanity and i don't have any mama friends (which is a little rough) so, needless to say, the community aspect of this site is a HUGE turn-on (rrowwll).
i've been reading hip mama stuff for YEARS now, courtesy of my older sister who's had hip mama zine, books and other swag lying around forever. i remember reading breeder when i was 16 years old (maybe 17?) and being so blown away by it and, not necessarily wanting a baby, but being excited that mamas had the options, the stretch and grace, to really embody themselves AND be there for their kids at the same time. some of ariel gore's books and compilations have literally saved.my.life. throughout this new and (very weird) experience of becoming a mamabear.
so.
there's my hello. hope to be chatting with you lovely ladies soon. i thought a good kick off would be a grat list, since they seem so popular around here, not to mention the very idea of simply listing what you are grateful for in this little world is brilliant brilliant brilliant.
so.
here goes.

1.) when my baby bear shoots me his "i'm a punk" look and we both crack up because it's SO TRUE.
2.) my job, which is satisfying, pays well and hooks me and the bear up with insurance.
3.) my lover bear, because he is honest with me and with himself.
4.) my mom and my sister because they are the epitome of family.
5.) my new, fancy upgrade of a house because it has towel racks (!) and a dish sprayer thingy (movin' up, gals, moo-ven-upp.)
6.) all the funny and true mama blogs that make me laugh hysterically and keep me sane.
7.) ariel gore, cuz she's brilliant and the mama of hipmama.
8.) the 3 feet of snow we just recently got, cuz even though it's ASS cold, it sure is purdy.
9.) also, the way the sky gets all orangey and glowy when it's snowing.
10.) my new hip mama username and blog access. HOORAY.

i'm sending peaceful, sane, funky vibes and thoughts to the whole lotta ya. hip hip hooray.
k