An, in the end, great but chalenging weekend;

- my fella came down, he changed his arrival time and didn't communicate the change effectively and I got pissed, we argued on the phone and he basically drove up in the night, we met made up had amazing sex, went to go out and i basically had what i can only describe as a tantrum, he was like this is not working. it was awful, we spoke properly. this relationship, despite how good its been has triggered a lot of stuff in me, i am kind of getting more insecure as we get further in he hasn@t caused this its my damage.

- we made a plan,he was like regardless of what happens between us have you considered counselling, He is a counsellor and has to be in it anyway as part of his professional life. He was like I think you have some childhood/early adulthood stuff to deal with. I felt, mad, scared, defensive, all cast iron clues that he is right

- So I am starting counselling plus we talked about some other stuff, like me being so high energy and goal orientated all the time which is great but cannot necessarily be applied to another grown human being without driving them crazy, the fact that I can't really totally relax or totally engage in a seperate activity when I'm with him just doing nothing. The fact that I have made massive strides in my career and as a parent but that my social, emotional and sexual identity has remained pretty stunted.

-so the plan; I would begin talking to someone, be social without him, do something creative and stick to it the way I would something for the babe and we made a bet on who could improve their health the most by Christmas. He took on board the stuff i had to say about social engagement etiquette and such like. we are planning to have thursday night as an unassailable date/sex night. We saved our relationship from its first fire storm, yay!

- the next day was great we went to a little village and had lunch and talked and came home and had more sex, he kept just trying to make me relax and fall asleep and just spent hours like rubbing my back and stroking me all over and he went out and bought me sweets. i think i am going to learn a lot from this relationship.

- i've never mentioned this before but i,ve been in a 12 step fellowship for 7 years (clean and sober) and it requires a lot of spiritual growth stuff. I think i've been neglecting this and i need to go deeper, this relationship has brought a ton of stuff to the surface I don't have a woman to talk with at the moment and I am feeling the lack, so I am putting my requirement for one out in the universe.

-i love this world, i love the universe, i need a daily spiritual practise that strengthens this, I need to show my gratitude for all i have, its a lot.

-the babe called me today, i am missing her in a raw, visceral way. I can hear new maturity in her voice. she is preparing for a dance exam and i am usually very strict about her practising etc she doesn't alwys appreciate this, I am a tyrant! but now she's like I wish you were here forcing me to de better.

love from liverpool
des

hello from Oxford University mamas!

I don't know if one of our brethren has graced these halls before but heres to a Hip mama invasion of all elite educational institions of the world!

-this place is lovely, picturesque, CLEAN, green and serene

-I am on upper GI surgery and tomorrow I am watching an oesophagectomy!!!

-my room is fresh, clean and CHILDLESS

-the communal areas are a little gross, but whatever I refuse to become MUM

-i am having three time daily phone contact with the babe and she is fine, she's playing a footballers wife in tonights drama festival and comin to see me in 2 weeks

-my man friend has phoned me every mornin and night, being encouraging and sweet in the morning call and absolutely filthy in the evening one. We have about four different elaborate fantasy sex lives going on complete with plots, sub plots and characterisation and I have even been persauded to send him dirty pictures by phone! He is one sweet talking guy.

- He is coming to see me next weekend and we are doing this drive called the Romance road and staying in a B and B in the Cotswalds

-I got some quails eggs and rasberries and natural peanut butter and chorizio to eat

-I am tired but happy

- I have a ton of prep to do for tomorrow so I'll speak soon

Take care meds

Good morning ladies, I just ate some dark chocolate for breakfast and have 5 minutes to spare before the day goes supersonic so I thought I would centre a little bit before I get back on the merry go round, 10 reasons to be grateful on this breezy Saturday morning.

- I have 3 projects to complete this weekend; a referees report criticising a cell journal article about epidermal growth factor, the discussion of my bowel cancer screening article and a presentation discussing the ethical implications of funding in IVF and cancer treatment. Its a good job I gotta a big, sexy brain with neurons to spare!

-the babe is dancing all day so I have time plus I have to reschedule some social things, I carve out the time I need, its an hourly challenge! Sometines I have to change stuff up

-I got some prawn cocktail and dressed crab in the fridge for lunch

-My childcare is payed up for until the end of term!!! the schools year is complete! Childcare is an elaborate balancing act and this year, despite a ton of challenges, its gone ok! I put time into getting this right and accessing funding and organising stuff.

-I got a total bargain on an epilator yesterday, a third of the price. I checked out the reviews on Amazon but I was still scared
£30 is a big money sale!! I tried it out last night and it was great! OK it hurt like hell! but you get used to it and it becomes kind of addictive. the results are fabulous just as good as wax and way cheaper plus you don't have to wait for the hair to grow. Its an investment in a smooth skinned sex drenched future!

-Countdown to my man returning to Liverpool I can't wait! I NEED to see him.

- I am repeating my experiement next week in my own time, its gonna be hard to fit it in but this shits for publication, its gotta be right on.

-I got a book token for my birthday (32 people!!!) I have a ton of things waiting to be read so I spent it on the babe and my fellas grandson, a kids historical novel for her as a present for a great first year in big school and a baby book with a dinosaur hand puppet for the baby! Cute.

-I met up with my dad the other day for the first time in a long time. i took him for Tandourhi mushrooms. he is till crazy after all these years, chasing women, smoking like a chimney, getting into trouble BUT he is my Dad. he reminds me a lot of Micky Rourke in The Wrestler.however, he has been clean and sober for a year, yay jimmy!

I am making peace with him, that sucker is 60! he does NOT look after himself, his time is limited. i am going to have regular phone and real time contact with him. i have a vision of how I want to behave towards my dad and I am ready to put into practise. Old(er), he's not old but for someone whos lived his way this is old, people need peeps not pole dancers.

I am ready to be his emergency contact. he is a good hearted but misguided old dude who still doesn't know what the problem is! its ok dad I don't need a damn thing from you lets just go watch a film and discuss football as you cruise into sensecence. I forgive you and myself for being mad. I am not mad anymore.

- M.I.A. is fab! i know her lyrics are sometimes a liitle provocative but you can't help but grind to that stuff ,especially SUnshowers, it s on You tube. " i bongo with me lingo and beat it like a wing yo" What a tune! Plus Born Slippy by Underworld is agreat housework tune.
Love meds

Hello Mamacitas! Greetings and Grats from Liverpool!

-the end of term is nigh! I have to repeat some experiments, write a 1000 word referees report, have a couple of meetings, complete my file, draw up some safety protocols, lead an ethical debate and attend some workshops and I am done. I have a detailed two week timetable to follow and everything fits in, just! I am leaving this course with my masters plus 3 potential publications to polish over the Summer, this time next year my name WILL be in print!!!

- I leave for Oxford in less than two weeks!!!!!! I am excited for a number of reasons; I was on the Oxbridge track as a kiddiwink but life kicked my ass and now I have re-earnt the opportunity, I am going to be alone in my own (fully comped) accomodation for 3 weeks -bliss!!! I get to get reorientated to clinical medicine away from my my potential employers so if I drop any clangers, who cares!
Plus, and this is just between us, as I've mentioned I am interested in surgery, a while ago I had a groggy episode in theatre (nothing bad I just had to leave and eat some chocolate) and since then I have had this little niggling fear that it might happen again and this fear has inhibited me in theatre a little. I am really going to push myself in theatre at oxford because there are 0 consequences if I do get groggy .I KNOW I won't I just need that lack of scrutiny to be comfortable and do what I need to do to reassure myself. Don't worry, I am not putting anyone at risk I don't get to do anything vital at my stage just observe and I will obviously remove myself if I do feel odd, which I know I definitely will not. I will be a surgical machine when I come home!!

-the babe goes away in a couple of weeks to a dance summer intensive, I have been getting her her equipment bit by bit over months and now she has a little kids from fame style wardrobe with loads of harem pants and off the shoulder t shirts and leg warmers, too cute! She is getting a little taste of the boarding school that i have in mind for her when she's 16. Good Luck bb! Give em hell

-My fella comes back from Cuba at the end of this week and I can't wait. I am so excited to see him and touch him, and believe it or not smell him, I have missed his smell like crazy!?! I can't wait to sit on his couch all pressed up against him and hear about his adventures and laugh at his jokes and have discussions about stuff and put my hot little hands all over him. Next time he goes away I am gonna have to steal an old t- shirt to sniff! Plus he and the babe met, he saved our skins by picking us up from dance class and taking us to a choir concert when public transport let us down big time, it was a success! A little tiny seed has been planted.

Take care
meds

Well I promised i'd dish and hipmama is not the place for the shy and retiring so here goes; yesterday night I met my fella off the bus and walked up a big hill with him to his empty house. It was really hot and I was wearing black harem pants , a white vest and this really soft grey jersey vest layered together and tied at the side to show a little slither of tanned belly and high heels plus i had just had my hair done by this genius person and I smelt like coconut. I recieved many appreciative looks and comments from the men folk of liverpool on my way to meet and the ultimate compliment; men with their women look decidedly and definitely AWAY cause they knew if they got caught looking there would be hell to pay! HA ha

We got to the house and sat on the couch and he started kissing me so softly that within secounds I was going crazy THEN he started blowing all over me my neck, my collar bone, my ear, my lips. I was loosing my mind! He was saying all this great stuff like l love you, you're gorgeous, i want you, and then some more dirty, gritty stuff and then he basically carried me up to his bed!

I will now draw a vale over the proceedings but I will offer the following tidbits;
-we did not have pentrative sex
-despite our alternative mode of transport I reached my destination (a lot) more than once
- the neighbours sure as hell knew about it
-the heels stayed on!

wishing you all a sexy weekend
love meds

First off thank you so much for everyone who put their hands across the world for my HPV hang up! Girls you made my day truly and turned a bad situation into a real funny, informative and touching one: so here is where my lady bits are at!

- I had a pow wow with my prospective red hot lover and we came to the following conclusions;

-it is highly likely that I have already been exposed to HPV but we don't know which type

-it is highly unlikely that his strain of HPV was a nasty AND/OR still around BUT it is possible that both these things are true

-The best course of action for us is for me to get the jab and for us to refrain from penetrative sex until the course is complete

-at first he was a bit anxious about his ability to get down and dirty and refrain from the act but he went away, communed with the universe and came back with the following statement (direct quote)"It's time for me to stop acting like a selfish little boy and be a man. It's all cool, there is no way God gave you **** like that and didn't expect me to **** them, I am going to **** your ***** until your eyes roll the into back of your head, at the end of this 6 months you are going to be begging me to seal the deal and , sex or not, after thursday you and the neighbours are gonna know that you're my woman and what I am all about!"

-WOW! I have not been so excited since I saw the muppets on rollerskates in 1983!

-I am nipping into town to buy something incredibly dirty

-I am also channeling some of this sparkly new sexy energy into my job application

- I hope i haven't offended anyone with my dirty mouth and mind, but ladies I have been celibate for 7 years! I am offering red hot hope to the heart broken. I am living proof that the love(r) of your life might be just around the corner: act accordingly!
THanks and love meds
-

Does anyone know anything about HPV? I kind of put it to the back of my mind that my new fella said that he had had it in the past and presumed that his sexual health screen would flag it up if it was a problem still HOWEVER this apparently is not true, it can be latent for the rest of your life and still be infective and not show up on a test. SHIT, shit, shit even condoms are not effective.
It unlikely that I would get active infection but what I could get is a nasty cervical cancer causing strain. There is a vaccine against the cancer causing stuff which I guess I gotta get but it takes 6 months to complete the course!!! There is a part of me that thinks fuck it you've been sexually active you've probably aready been exposed and are maybe immune BUT i have been so lucky, i've never had any symptoms of anything or tested positive for anything and all my PAP smears have been perfect. I can't knowingly put myself at risk when I was so irresponsible for so long and came out lucky.
I just called and told him, we are going to talk properly later. I know there is a ton of stuff that we CAN do without penetrative sex but its hard, literally and figuratively. I guess I won't be having sex on Thursday ! The Gods hate hubris!!!
love meds

Its a lovely sunday morning in Liverpool, the sun is shining and the sky its literally azure with fresh, spring green leaves shimmering against it in the gentle breeze. All of my freckles are out! Plus;
-I am totally in love with someone and I am planning to have wild, pasionate sex with them in 4 days time. This is my first sex in 7 years. I have been single parenting, studying, working and healing from a whole range of street rat bull shit for the best part of a decade and sex has not been on the agenda, first things HAD to come first. I am totally ready and comfortable, we have been friends for 5 year, dated for 2 months, have both been tested for everything, I have a coil fitted, we have talked about all our hang ups and fears and our wants, needs and desires. I have never experienced any thing like this in my life. He is just the best.
-I am finishing a review today and my masters will be over in a couple of weeks, what I have I learnt from a year in the lab? That I don't want to work in one, that me and hospital are like eggs and bacon, that 1 ml. is a huge volume and how to stay on task with the not fun stuff as well as the fun.
-Got where the wild things are on DVD
-The babe is at an audition this morning to be a Cechetti scholar that she was asked to attend by the principal of the Northern ballet theatre, She looked like Grace kelly in her leotard and tights, good luck bb!
-sausage and bacon for Sunday breakfast
-clean water from the tap
-my boyfriend making me a world cup widow, it doesn't bother me AT ALL, I feel very secure and loved and find it hilarious when he watches the tv over my head whilst absent mindedly pawing me. The same testosterone that makes him wanna push me down on the couch and bite my neck and rake his nails up my legs makes him wanna shout at 11 men on the TV, its a fair trade believe me!
-Tolerance!
-am applying for a super duper job on a prestigious programme that will lead to clinical research opportunities, I have a project in mind that will knock them on their ass but I got to earn the opportunity first, wish me luck! One year to go until I am earning and can put Dr on my bank card.
-hip mama
love meds
-

Hello, hello 10 things that are making me smile wide today;
- having the choice of an omelette or a vanilla custard danish and calmly and collectedly selecting, preparing and enjoying the omelette, I am cutting out white sugar and doughy crap and it feels good.
-my friends son who is brain injured was extremly ill last week and he responded to antibiotics and is good now. Thank you universe!
-I am getting published in an academic journal!
-booking in for a leg and bikini wax next weekend
-nationalised health, I went to a walk in clinic last week, had a contraceptive consultation and got a coil fitted and after care organised for free, in an hour, the leg wax was more hassle to organise!
-the babe is learning the ballet pas de deux from Oklahoma and is dancing with a a realy cute boy!
-having enough money to buy her her first bra, baby blue, sprigged flowers AA cup no less.
-she's been studying hard for her end of year exams, one more week and she can cut loose.
-getting confirmation of my trip to Oxford, 4 weeks in general surgery at one of the worlds premier universities for free!!! I am getting a little professional studies loan to buy some nice summer work stuff, I gotta conquer that sucker!
-I got a free blackberry cause I upgraded my cell phone package and my credit was (for the first time in my adult life!! ) GOOD! That has taken work. It is fabulous I am a textaholic.
- One extra, my new boyfriend, is that an appropraite name for a 50 year old man? he calls me his girl friend but then compared to him I am a girl. He is just a sweet hearted person, very ethical and caring and sweet and he loves his kids like crazy, he's taking them to Cuba in a couple of weeks and has let his wild sister stay with him whilst she is between places to give his old mum a break. All this sweetness plus this man is a freakin animal where it counts, we have not yet done the deed ( we're waiting for his test results to come back) but we have fooled around like crazy, last night he spent 40 minutes rubbing my lips and mouth and teeth ?!? with his thumb, that sounds wierd but I was swooning literally, it was great! I am promoting it as a new sexual past time, try it!
Hope everyone is good and the ill peeps are feeling better, DC how did your presentation go?
love meds

Good God, I am tired today, dating is exhausting! 10 things I am grateful for today!
-my internet connection and computer
- the knowledge that when you truly turn your back on the past it cannot hurt you, you have to turn your back on the dark though and let all the bad guys of the hook, no half measures! I guess we forgive but don't forget, that experience is our most precious possession.
-the babe growing up; getting 100% on a geography quiz after we spent sometime going through her book, asking about a bra ( she's not quite there yet, she has graduated from boobicles i.e. bee stings to boobettes e.g. mini marsmallows, I want her to thinking getting boobs is fun and cool not the affliction I was raised to believe it was hence the names), she's going to Barcelona with school next week with a polka dot bikini, a home pedicure and a really good spanish accent!
- my new man friend has had a fascinating life, I just love to listen to him talk about it, I feel like I should be writing it down! he was a tough guy, no doubt, in a tough world. Reform school from 12, 1 of 13 kids to a single parent, lots of prison and from that background he quit drugs and alcohol, raised 2 kids alone, supports and looks after his grandson, does about 10 legit jobs simultaneously and trained as a drugs counsellor getting a degree and a bunch of prizes and volunteers for a bunch of stuff AND when you tell him how fab that is he just goes I just get up in the morning and try my best!
-my mum and dad, things weren't aren't and never will be perfect BUT the bottom line is I wouldn't be here without them and I am very glad I'm here! Thanks Deb and Jim!
-roasted, salted cashews
-my lovely pink and green Indian scarf that is allowing me to wear Summer stuff now and still keep warm
-this beautiful world
- babies I am craving a baby my eyes follow them down the street, my heart flutters when I hear them gurgle and aches when one cries. I don't know what this means for my life, I just gotta own up to the feeling.
-the lady who once payed mine and the babes bus fare when I was taking her to a ballet recital out of town and I had no money and the bus passes that I had bought did not extend to that area (I hadn't realised), I started crying on the bus when the driver asked for more money that I didn't have and this lady wordlessly got up and payed, I was so moved I couldn't get it together to thank her until I got off and then i was perfunctory because I was so teary. That night the babe was a mouse in cinderella and won a trophy and was so good and elegant I cried (again) and we got a lift home and I felt this universe does provide, it really, really, really does if we take a risk. I want to thank that lady now she helped out in such a classy way as though it was the most natural thing in the world. I can't wait to get the chance o passthat good deed along.
I hope everyone is well
Love meds

Hello Ladies, yes its true I had my first date in 9 years yesterday, here are the edited highlights;
-we drank tea in the museum and walked down to the Pier head
-I learnt the following fun facts; he is 18 years older then me (I had no idea, I thought it was 12 max), he is literally old enough to be my father, he has 3 kids aged 25, 19 and 15 that he has raised mostly alone, he used to be a gangsta ( well the Liverpool equivalent), now he is a counsellor for imprisoned youth and works part time in a notorious local irish bar, he has grandson who is 9 months old. He is working on opening some supported housing for just released young offenders and is buying his daughter a car.
-he has just started smoking again after quitting for 5 years
- he is not much taller then me with dark hair and eyes, he is what my NANA would call Blackirish like the spanish/italian looking irish with black hair and eyes whereas I am the pale, blue eyed type
-he dresses like a casual which was like a late seventies, early eighties UK trend that involves being smart and wearing trainees and old school addidas tops and jeans.
-he is really scouse and from St Andrews gardens which used to be a real notorious slum and has like seperate slang in liverpool.
- he is famous across Liverpool for surviving an 80 foot drop onto a train track when he was a kid
-he said to me
" your eyes have an innocense that I find attractive"
I usually get, nice tits, this was much better!
What do people think, can an 18 year gap work? The only question I have to answer right now is do I want to see him again and thats a yes, He's taking me to the squirrel woods!
thanks for reading
meds

-

hello, hello people of the Hip mama world, it is a bright, cold, sunny day in Liverpool with a fresh taste and smell. There are daffodils on the embankments and I suspect but have not yet seen bluebells in the woods. Today I am ecstatically grateful for;
-My aunt taking the babe away for the weekend
-grapes
-masturbation, yes its true! It feels good, doesn't cost a penny, increases tone in your pelvic floor, burns calories, doesn't make you gain weight, sends blood to your face better then a 100 pound facial and you don't have to shave your legs!
-Tracy anderson, I have said this before BUT it warrants a second mention. She has had some bad press but her tapes work and are so much fun. I know she has caused some controversy about restricting weight lifting in women but I actually agree with her. For my body type, muscle gain is not a problem, I am Russian irish, portugeese lineage. I think back in the day we basically walked from Odessa at one point , I am a hearty individual! I gain muscle just looking at a dumbbell. She exhausts the little muscle groups rather then bulking up the big ones and that works good for me.
-lemon and raisin pancakes
-Aerosmith are real good to bump and grind to whilst doing the housework
-The Wrestler, i watched this last night for the first time. the relationship between him and his daughter is me and my dad to a tee. it made me feel a lot of love and empathy for that kind of man, they have these ideas about the way stuff should be and they're wrong and they go out into the world and fuck stuff up. They are a classic case of wanting to be judged by your intentions whilst the world judges you by your actions. I hope they all find some love and peace on this planet,they don't scare me anymore.
-I went in the Vivienne Westwood store yesterday in my tatty sweats and flipflops and 2 pounds in my purse and just blissed out! The colour, the cloth, the workmanship, the freshness! It was art, no doubt and the place smelt crazy good!
-health,not being addicted to ANYTHING, not having to imbibe some shit or other before I can function.
-going back to clinical medicine in a few weeks! i am going to oxford university for a vacation scholarship in general surgery, whilst the babe dances at the royal academy of dance in convent garden! This is very emotional for me, I was on the Oxbridge track at 15 when my home life imploded and I had to quit school and start real life. I have always felt an affinity for this institution and now I get a taste, the scholarship includes board and tuition and access to all the university facilities. To put this in context I was raised in an area known locally as rat alley! This is a big deal!
I love all of your guys posts so much, I can't tell you what it has meant to me to find some like minded individuals in this world.
Take the best possible care of yourselves
Love meds

Oh my sweet lord in heaven I am one tired woman. This semester I just finished a poster and a report (Thank God), completed an experiment, entered an essay competition, filed a tax return, participated in several journal clubs, went to all my lectures, kept house, cooked, did more washing and ironing than is probably healthy, tutored the babe (doubled score in math, first passing grade in geography, progress in science), ran her to and from dance class, she did a ballet and drama exam and a drama festival, found new child care and I did a lot of exercise. I finished yesterday and I had intended to clean today but I was just too tired to move, I did some aerobics and toning stuff, watched UP and ate a lot of crisps and a cream cake; that is my right and privilege and I intend to exercise it! DC has inspire me to get grateful cause I felt a little blue so;
- Lost and True blood is on and I have half an Easter egg to eat in front of them.
-After my poster presentation yesterday i went to see the blindside, I liked it, i cried, I don't know if that was tiredness or that I was moved. It did make me think of my own situation and where the babe would be without her support system, her Mum actually called strung out this morning. It made me feel grateful for her and sad for all the kids with great gifts inside em, i.e. every kid! who don't have anyone to root for them or draw it out or even notice it. It made me think again about fostering teenagers when I retire which is something my brain puts out their periodically.
-Tracey anderson dance aerobics video is kicking and shrinking my ass, it works best if you pretend that you're auditioning for the conservatoire a la flashdance every time you do it!
-shelter, clean water, clothing, food, peace, political stability, democracy as flawed as it is, the notion of equality as often as it gets trodden on.
-health
-the babe making good friends at school, she has been to a sleepover and has been invited to a bunch of parties and her form teacher has asked her to take a new girl that will be starting after Easter under her wing, its nice to know she can be trusted with that assignment, the school secretary also pulled me aside when I went to drop some stuff off to tell me she is a lovely, polite, respectful child.
-a week off
- student loan payment coming
- oxygen
- and I get to do it ALL again tomorrow!
love and squalor
meds

Hey mamas, how are you? I have had one helluva week but my experiment finally worked!!! I had to rid myself of stress and tension and take it all very slow and really picture the ligation and annealing and it worked!! What a relief! 10 reasons why life is (still) peachy!
- taking the babe to her pre professional dance school programme last Sunday, they built a new studio which you can see in through all 4 walls, i watched the end of her jazz technique class, she rocked it and had this counterpoint timing that made her stand out. All the girls are so beautiful, all different skin tones and sizes but they have more in common with each other physically than they do with their own families! They have this innate grace and subtlety that can break your heart. All these long supple backs and legs.
-Birdhouse in your soul, they might be giants, do you remember this? Its great
-LOst, finally its cooking! ben Linus is forgiven! I think we should all forgive ourselves and everyone else immediately to celebrate.
-veggie sausage for breakfast, the babe had lemon sponge and custard, decadent, no?
-I am watching Lost boys tonight as a Corey Haim memorial, love that film. addiction is one helluva hard row to hoe. The rigorous self honesty required to overcome it is no picnic
-taking a mental health day from the lab and visiting a friend.
-my sharona, the knack
-enough money in the bank to pay a tax bill,making it JUST, but making it
- trashy novel,luxury chocolate and baby's breath for mothers day
-the sun, I am a moon person but you gotta hand it to the big cahuna, it does a stand up job keeping this planet on the boil. Every single food chain begins with the sun accept a couple of geothermal crevices in the midatlantic where a few bacteria live off a bit of sulfur and in turn feed some prawns. I like the way life has inserted a little sun get out clause, a good reminder not to put all our eggs in one basket!
I am going to exercise now, have a great weekend!
love meds

Hello Ladies! I am very chatty this weekend, I think posting twice in a couple of days is a first! But I just feel so good I thought I would spread it around! 10 things I like:
- Xanadu video, I heard this tune on the radio the other day and it inspired me too you tube it. What a video!
Olivia nexton john is a bona fide fox, what do you expect from a lady that played 16 at 30, lived most of her adult life in an international jetset menage a trois and beat breast cancers ass! I love the bit where she sings soulfully into the eyes of a man with a perm doing the splits on a tightrope! I think I just found the theme for my future wedding with bridesmaids in halter tops doing jazz runs down the aisle.
-This special paint you can get that turns any wall into a white board!
-My new home fitness DVD, the Tracey anderson method. It is like a combination of really hard core eighties dance aerobics and pilates done standing up and the arms section is great. I am naturally quite a muscular person with a background in dance and ballet and gym and it is not often I can't complete leg reps but this video is a killer plus you aren't just hitting the same groups all the time! If its good enough for madonna its good enough for me!
-I am scheming a plan to own my own home. My living situation is complex what with the custody of the niece and all and I have been renting, sharing, compromising for years and I gotta say I am sweeter, nicer and more appreciative person for it! Now however my Mum and I are cooking up a scheme whereby i can maybe build my own little place basically on her drive, it is tiny BUT it would be my own. This way I get privacy and security and the niece gets me plus my mum plus her uncle, a whole extended family and a lot of continuity and family and support. This will be especially important when I start full time work in 18 months cause if I want to do surgery I have to put some hours in. I can see a great plan forming and i feel dizzy at the thought of some private space!
-tinned rhubarb and custard
-True blood
-David attenboroughs planet earth series, I just finished the last DVD. what an awe inspiring show. I cannot recomend it highly enough,kids love it too.
-cute men, I met one yesterday, he was attached but I was just looking. I like thin lips on fellas, is that wierd ?maybe cause mine are very full and opposites attract? WEll this one had these nice thin, sardonic lips and a big nose and lots of little black hairs on the back of his arms and peeping out of the neck of his t shirt, that plus tall is my ideal, its nice to be reminded it does exist
-friends
-following your heart. 6 years ago I first thought about med school. I didn't have the qualifications, money, the family support, any connections or even a regular place to live and I had just gained custody of a very distressed four year old but i KNEW that taking care of her and going to medschool were the right things to do and that if i put all my efforts into them everything would be ok. The last 6 years have been the best of my life. I had to put some stuff on the back burner; socailising, spending money on myself, sex, men but the rewards have been so great. In 18 months I will be earning a good wage, buying a property and loving my job, whilst my niece is just growing into a more and more accomplished and lovely young woman by the second. When she is 18 I will be 38! I,m wearing pretty well, plenty of time to have a fabulous non domesticated life then!
Love on a sunday
meds

i am happy today, I just had an uber decadent breakfast of garlic ciabatta and bacon plus greek yoghurt and honey! i doubt the billionaires of this world ate any better, they probably have bee pollen or some such other shit in a misguided attempt to live forever! Sometimes I like a bit of bee pollen and want to live forever too but not today!

10 things I am grateful for today;
- I am beating the lab into submission! I have had a bunch of revelations about study design and I have designed all my own controls. I am changing the scale of my thinking to a molecular level. I am learning how to build a line of reasoning using the best quality literature and factoring in the limitations of my techniques. I am getting there!
- Lady GAGA, did anyone see her Brits performance? i was hypnotised! She has created herself in her own image and I think that there is a really good heart and fierce intelligence at the centre of it all. I think that that lady is going to great things in this world, not just in music."I'm a free bitch baby", me too, GAGA, me too!
- I had a little cry at a friends dinner table last night, the circs are not important but something deep inside me released and I got a killer insight! people are fabulous but you can't build your life on them, those suckers are always changing, god love em! You have to put yourself on deep foundations, the great reality deep inside you! That way you can just enjoy the peeps, they cannot threaten your personhood and even if relationships change its all still cool!
-3rd and Delaware; this is best website ever! It pictures and describes the fashion on Roseanne! Amazing! It also reminded me how great and truthful and real Roseanne was! I loved that show as a kid. My teenage crush was dArlene, I'm not gay but Darlene transcends gender but these days its Dan that floats my boat, what a man! What a partner on lifes road, what a father, what a dream boat!
-Unsatisfied by the replacements
- Modern Love by david bowie
-My new moisturiser, I am dewy looking for reals
-My kids school- I,ve said this before but I mean it! This week my kid had the following extra curriculars FREE-3 maths support clubs, dance club, choir, drama club and creative spanish club! She is also starting creative writing club and karate! She is a lucky bunny and got 100% on her latest maths quiz! If I tell you that she got 20% on her last assessment you can see why I am so stocked!
-water
-Tonight Lost and True blood is on! I am going to iron and clean and crushout ladies!

all my best wishes to everyone!
meds

hello, hello! I woke up today feeling GOOOOD for the first time in a month and a half, I kindof didn't realise that I hadn't been feeling good until I felt good again. I wasn't insanely miserable, just a little out of whack BUT I am really proud of myself cause I didn't do anything insane, there is not a ton of mess to clear up,bills got payed,obligations fulfilled even at my worst I am doing pretty good! Some things that I am joyously grateful for today;
- Courage, I needed it this week. After my plagiarism debacle I had to go back to the department of surgery and cancer, into the lions den, for a lecture. The lecture was the woman who had flagged up the plagiarism and who I have other negative history with! I heard her say my name to another member of staff; she knows my name for all the wrong reasons, this is unusual for me! I had also been told that she had tried to give me an insanely low mark that the other markers had not agreed with as the work I had done was evident. I went in with my head held high. The lecture was great and had some stuff that was useful, I answered a question. Regardless of what she thinks I forgive myself.
-RAD51 is rad! The new gene I am studying has captured my imagination; did you know every cell in your body has 3m of DNA in it if it was all stretched out! AS you can imagine sometimes that stuff breaks and RAD51 steps in to repair it. Each chromosome has a pair and Rad repairs stuff by unwrapping your other chromosome and making a little pattern out of it and scooting that pattern over to the broken one to use as template for repair! Did you realise you were so amazing?
-My kid, I am spending the day with her today, she is practising hard for a ballet exam and we are finishing a wall hanging for school. She is going through a little phase of being her own worst enemy at the moment, getting in her own way on stuff. I am trying to teach her that she can do and be anything that she wants but that every choice has consequences and also that if she gets stuff done then she is free to go have a ton of fun. I am not strict but I am thorough! I think hormones are kicking in big time and its natural for her to assert herself but we have always been so close it is hard!
-Hair straighteners, I bought some ritzy hair straighteners a while back and it has been the investment of my life! My hair is like of intermediate texture between straight and curled and it is very coarse texture and frizzy. I cannot get the curl to activate so I have gone down the straight route and my god these straighteners give salon results in like 5 minutes and allow me to wear my hair down everyday which is the most flattering look for my face. It may seem shallow but when I look good and polished I feel good and I expect more for myself. I know I should work on creating these feelings without a fancy hair do but whilst I'm learning that these straighteners are amazing.
-My kids school, it just got put in the top ten state schools in the country and it is giving her the opportunity to go to Catalonia and this school is 15 minutes from my place! She loves it.
-Books, what the hell would I have done all of these years without em. i actually get a lovely warm fuzzy feeling when I think about retirement and the ability to read unapologetically for days on end!
I hope evryone is doing good!
Love meds

10 things I am grateful for today!
-Garlic butter and anchovies smooshed in to a jacket potatoe
-Lost; it starts in the UK tomorrow, no spoilers please people! I got my popcorn and chips.
-MIT open course ware, you need to know about RNA? how's about the boss of the human genome project teaches you all about it, what a man. Eric Lander is totally hot! Also he has some great stuff on MIT world too.
- Cell culture, I grew some cancer cells in a little dish today and extracted their RNA, then I am going to make a complementary strand of DNA out of my RNA and mix it up with the a sequence of nucleotides that codes for the RNA I am looking for. I love RNA, RNA was the first self-replicating i.e. one definition of "living" molecule. Basically a chemical compond came alive and do you know origin of life scientists have artificially created this in a lab! A self -replicating molecule!
- My aunt always there on the phone making me laugh
-My kid, it has been challenging, two emotional meltdowns over 2 days, bad behaviour like I have never known, tantrums! I spelled it out today, its not happening. You have to express stuff in a reasonable way not let bad temper escalate and get mouthy, cheekiness is ok but its been outrageous. I am on your side baby believe it! Privileges have been suspended in a loving way as a learning aid. We are in this together poochy I am not the enemy, infact there is no enemy!
- washing machines
- water
-my hair, its looking good also I gotta nice little wrinkle under my right eye, just a tiny feathery line. I like it! When my face is expressionless is it as smooth as a baby's bum and then when I laugh this little tiddler and a few others pop up, Its like having two faces and they're both cute!
- my friends pulled together for me this week I got bought one meal and made another. I apreciate this stuff.
I hope everyone is well and making their dreams come true, sometimes just making it to the end of the day is the dream. Thank you so much for all that you guys have brought to my life.
Love
meds

Thank you so much to all of the mamas that reached out to me during my plagiarism crisis! i went to see my convener and basically laid it out, took responsibility and apologized. I was totally crying! She was amazed, she was like I know that this was unintentional this session is for your benefit and this issue ends now with no record of it, its a learning experience! It was more of a technical issue about a methods section and certain specific scientific language. My actual project supervisor had my back 1000%. So I learnt a good lesson, I was humbled at depth publicly and I gotta tell you it was good for my soul!
DC for some reason my computer is not letting me comment on your last entry. thank you personally for your input as always it was right on the money! You have an amazing ability to create a mood and an emotion with just a few words, i cannot imagine what you are achieving with a film crew!

see you later mamas keep on truckin
meds

hello mamas, I usually keep stuff positive in this blog but I am in the shit and I need to tell it. I got an e-mail today from the convenor of my course saying an assignment I had handed in had been flagged up as plaguairism. I called her and she confirmed that some of the quotes had been wrongly referenced and it constituted plaguirism.

I was totally shocked. Its not THAT big a deal in one sense, I will get a 10% penalty however, there is another piece of work that if this work has come up as plaguerised , then it definetly will. I was so tired, stressed when I did it, ihave been looking at it and I have no idea what is mine, wether the references are correct.

Infact I know that it is plaguarised, I can't believe that I didn't see it I was in a daze. I am so ashamed. I have been in med schoool for 5 years, a top student, no problems and now I have transferred to a new faculty for my masters and everything has gone to shit.

I do not know what the consequences will be. I have been assured that the first one is not a big deal but the second one may change that. I am going to go in tommorrow and tell the truth and let the cards fall where they may. At this point my integrity is more important than my reputation. None of this was intentional or malicious, just stupid.

I am a good person, I am a good doctor. This does not impact on my medical degree, which is safe but it may on my academic career, well I got to take it on the chin. I've noticed a few people have spoken about losing touch and giving up on academics and regrets. I am going to take strength from those posts and not give up. I am gonna do the hardest thing and live with my mistake.

This seems so petty when compared with other peoples problems. I am still lucky, blessed and grateful. ijust learnt something about myself that I don't like but thats not the first time that that has happened and atleast now I can change it.
thanks guys

Hello Ladies, Happy New Year! This is a little late but I have been under a deadline for the last two weeks. I have been reading though. I love this site, it kind of reminds me of a changing landscape or shoreline with all kinds of treasure washing up with the tide.Well anyway, 10 reasons that I grateful in 2010!
-submitting my paper and poster, my work was NOT at publication stage for reasons entirely out of my control but I ground it out. It was ok, it was the best I could do and that is good enough.
-My mum who proof read the mutha, her eye is impeccable and she tolerated my crabbiness. Thanks Mum I love you
-MONEY!!! I got an unexpected windfall! I totally thought that I was not eligible for a student loan this year BUT I was and I got it! I had not factored it in so I had the bills covered and this was extra. I hit the sales and spread the wealth. I got earmuffs and stella mcartney at the gap kids gear (75% off!!), like 2 pound for a shirt in lovely soft fabrics and a real high class colour palate for the kid plus some support books in maths and science and a new school coat, for myself I got a couple of work dresses, a huge surgery book and some new makeup, I splashed out a little at the clinique and YSL counter i.e. I bought 1 thing from each! and the girls there gave me a bunch of free stuff and I am going back for a facial and makeup from both counters over the next two weeks for free!
- In the free book exchange in my lab there was a copy of Jilly Cooper rivals, I have been looking for this in thrift shops and there it was waiting for me! Sex, horse riding and poetry.
- Peanut butter and wholemeal toast, an apple and a pear for breakfast.
- My sister, we had a hardtime with each other last year. I love her so much and I know what she is worth, when she can't see it and does not behave accordingly, it gets me mad, sparks fly. I stopped trying to be her priest/psychotherapist/mother/doctor this holiday. I bought her some Pjs,took her out for a meal and let her get on with her freakin life. She is grown, what will be will be.
- Dcs new years night out, I lived through it vicariously. I love it when you meet someone else and you talk straight into each others mouths, briefly your souls align, you are in the chaos but not of it and no one can touch you unless you reach out for them.
All the best for 2010 DC, I wonder where you will be next NYE!?!
- SNOW! Liverpool is a winter wonderland . The other evening the snow sparkled like a thousand, no a million diamonds! urban snow is like beautiful woman, it can hurt people but in the right light you don't care, you must have more. The reflected light makes everyone look like a richard avedon picture and the rosines of cheeks is beyond description.
- Trapeze conditioning has been on the back burner because of academics but its back with a vengeance.
- clearing house in every sense of the word. This weekend I am ridding myself of everything that is not beautiful, useful or emotional in my home. I am emptying my e-mail inbox and writing some letters to people I owe an apology too. I am giving myself a clean sheet and I am giving every one else one too!

Love from meds

hello, hello I've enjoyed everyones posts so much over the holiday. Its so great to dip out of whatevers going on and dial into something else for a couple of minutes. Its very restorative. It has been snowy and icey here and so we have been hosebound, eating lots of great food and playing board games. A good holiday and time to think though KD has had a real chesty cough. I have basically allowed her to stay in , in Pjs not wash hair etc and I am determined to be rid of it before she goes back to school.

10 pre new year grats;
- money, ok I know money is not real, its a concept, a shared delusion. I do not and never have valued money for its own sake. To me what money represents is time and opportunity. Time as a working mum is my most precious comodity so money helps me save time and make the best use of the time I have. I have always had a very defiant and I don't care attitude to cash but lately I have been trying to change my feelings about it and tap more into a feeling of financial abundance. As a student I am on a low income but I have been trying to feel like everything is ok and that I will always have what I need. often I have wanted certain things and thought no I can't afford it and the money I would have spent on what I wanted has kind of just dissapeared into the ether and I have nothing to show for it! Since I have been thinking this way things have got better. I have recieved some extra cash from surprising sources and some things I have wanted for a long time have turned up at massively reduced prices. The next step is the mortgage, the pension. I KNOW I can make this work. I'm growing up!
- Central heating!
- the style rookie blog, does anyone read this? This is a blog written by a 13 year old girl who is really into high fashion and photographs the outfits that she creates fron second hand stuff inspired by mainly comme de garcons. It is so sweet and inspiring and kind of antifashion/fashion! Also she is a great writer by anyones standards.
- Where the wild things are, loved the book my whole life can quote it verbatim and I LOVED the film, the pathos, cruelty and love of children. Me and KD cried and cried happy/sad tears.
-LK BEnnet, this is an english high end clothing line. I really splashed out and bought myself a dress from there for my recent surgical presentation triumph. The stuff looks very plain and conservative but when you put it on the cut sings. I have always struggled with the professional dress required for my job but this line is tailored for my body shape, and when you consider that I am a 34 FF bra size you realise how unusual this is for me! The whole line is stuff that you would see marylin monroe and Liz taylor wear in the 50s/60s, were you don't remeber the outfit you just remember the body!Also Joan from mad men, i.e decorous, professional, dignified yet indisputably HOT.
-Anatomy, I am redoing anatomy from scratch in preperation for my surgical post grad exams. Love it ! Last night I did skin and it never fails to make me gasp in wonder. I am spending a year on this 1, 1/2 pages a day . This is the cornerstone of my future practise.
-Michelle mynx, you tube this lady girls. She is the inspiration for my future as a part time burlesque trapeze artist.
- Oat meal and yoga, my tapeze conditioning starts today!
- spray cream in a can, only at Christmas!
- MY will. today I have to start a peice of written work on a project that has been full of problems and that I don't at the moment have a hell of a lot of belief in. HOWEVER, this is an important part of my course and will have huge value for me as a learning experience me even if the science is flawed. I am chanelling enthusiasm and interest and regardless of my feelings I will start and give it 110%! I can feel myself starting to enjoy it already!

Take the best possible care of yourselves!
meds

Hello mamas,
I promised I would tell about my trapeze class so here goes;

When I got to the studio it was actually static trapeze not flying as the instructor emphasises you aceiving safety and control through your own strength rather than just getting strapped onto stuff. We did a lot of warm ups, running and stretching and some ball games designed to wake up your brain. I was so excited i could not stop looking at the trapeze!

Me and another new guy then worked with an instructor, the trapeze was about 5 feet up and you basically gripped on, alowed the trapeze to take your weight, engage a little upward lift in the shoulders then you used your abdominals to lift your legs up and catch the bar with your feet. You then boosted upwards until you were in "hocks" with the back of your knees bent over the bar, you let go with your hands and swing!

Then you use your abdominals again to swing your body up and catch the ropes, "the velvets" with your hands. You straighten up and volia your seated!WE then progressed to some tricks, like standing!, the mermaid, the russian angel! I have to say it was amazing but exhausting, as the evning progressed it got harder and harder to get up there.

I was also limited in choice of tricks I could do as my hands did not have sufficient grip strength and were just too soft! The rope just ran through them. MY palms were ruby red and boiling hot by the end of the session. Apparently seasoning your hand is something that happens over time.

It is a compelling activity and addictive no matter how much it hurts you need to get up! Obviously though my hands and their sensitivity are extremly important too my job! I have been looking at gymnastic hand protectors and if I can make them work I will definitely continue,if not there is the option of doing silks work instead. I am going to give it a good try though!

The trapeze is so unyielding, it looks friendly but it doesn't help you at all, all the power comes from you and if you hesitate it is punishing BUT the feeling of satisfaction when you find a new point of stability and security in such an alien environment is electrifying. It is also very motivating fitness wise as I woke up this morning thinking what can I do to today improve my trapeze!

Bye ladies

hello mamas,
how is everyone? I am great and I settling into pre Christmas reverie quite nicely. I am doing a minimalist geurilla style Christmas this year though obviously with kids you gotta put some effort in. i will NOT be peeling vegatables however, I am getting a dressed lobster instead which we will be eating off our knees in front of the Queens speach.
10 grats;

- Hip mama, I love this community!
- The Radio times this is an English phenomena also known as the "Telly book" published every year listing the christmas TV which you need to go through with a different coloured marker for each member of the family; this year my highlights include Grey gardens the film and the documentary, the Royal ballet in Cuba and the Muppets Christmas Carol.
-The flying trapeze; on Monday I am fulfilling a lifetime dream and attending a flying trapeze workshop!I can hardly speak about this its too sacred
- Ghetto beutician; this evening for the first time in months I had some freetime, obviously for freetime read a thousand domestic and academic duties to take care of plus a fractious ill 11 year old to supervise BUT relativle speaking there were no pressing deadlines for the first time in a long time. After panicing briefly I decided to give myself a home produce make over;shine boosting olive oil hair treatment, smoothing porridge oats body scrub and soothing honey face mask, cost around 30p! I feel great! This stuff works especially the porridge which smells fantastic
- Futurama
- carrots I've been eating these raw and they are great
- my little girl, last night we watched some contemporary dance commemorating the ballet Russe and it inspired some home choreography! It was fun and cause her lines are so lovely it had artistic merit, I was moved!
-Rhubarb crumble and custard, I got some in my fridge calling to me
-the books by my bed and the my fantastical eyes that allow me to read them
-the artic wastes I love being in my home thinking about the wildlife at both poles; wolves padding across the snow and howling at the moon, killer whales plunging to the icey depths and polar bears asleep in their dens. I love lying under the warm duvet and thinking about this, this is all happening right now!
Bye Bye and take care

hello hip mamas, I feel a little inhibited blogging today as there have been several negative references to a comment I made on DCs blog. I kind of took the stance that i was not going to continue to talk about this mainly cause I didn't want to add to DCs load in any way but I can't just continue blogging without referencing it. Honesty and truth telling is what attracted me to this site and what gives it its power, a power I have definitely experienced!

The comment I made that has caused so much to do quite clearly stated "in this context": by this I was referring directly to the background that Dc had described to this situation. I am not going to list specifics of someone elses life here however I was NOT making any kind of statement about pregancy, teen pregnancy or accidental pregnancy in general. I did not interpret this situation has an accident or a contraceptive failure.

As for my diamonds down the toilet comment that has been described as harsh. Maybe you should know a bit about my situation, my sister gave birth at 17 in less than perfect circumstances, I was 19 and we were both living chaotically with no wider family support. Throughout my nieces life I have been there 110% to such an extent that I took over her full time care when she was 4. I am absolutely commited to my neice and provide for her in every respect.

I would do what I have done for my niece a milllion times over and have no regrets BUT for a significant amount of time I invested a lot of energy in trying to prop up an unworkable situation, tried to pull along my sister and carry her when she had no interest or investment in changing. This is heart breaking, exhausting and, until someone wants to change, pointless. This stuff can make you crazy, literally.

This is the great lesson of my life and whenever I get the chance to share it I do. My language in my comment was direct and visceral cause it was to DC. That is her approach she shoots from the hip and I love her for it. She gives out honesty, blood and guts and thats what she wants back. She was laying her experience out on the line and i responded in kind. My experience from the fontlines, not theory or rhetoric.

maybe your experience has been different to mine thats great tell me about it! I don't mind being challenged at all. I read a few things about relative contributions or time served on this site. I am new but I honestly did not see this as at all relevant, I am certainly not new to the effects of teenage preganacy on the wider family and parenting!

DC is a huge part of why I joined this community. I personally have got so much from her posts and her current situation breaks my heart. I greatly admire her honesty and fortitiude and unflagging energy. AS far as I am concerned my comment controversy is done and i will continue to reach out to Dc or anyone else where I feel like my experience could be useful
bye guys