dragdyma's blog

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to have, or not to have two

I cannot fight the feeling that I really want another child. I have mixed feelings, like how to rearrange the rooms of my house to accomodate another. I would not want to displace Macy from her room, but I would not want a younger child sleeping downstairs. There are other stupid thoughts like that. I hated my brother growing up, he was abusive. I do not want that situation repeated. I know the odds of that are unlikley, but the shit I took from him really has affected my life.

I suppose these thoughts don't even matter since DH has outright refused to have another baby. He agrees that that the fun outweighs the stress, but does not want another. I do.

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1. lots and lots of rain
2. the rosebushes that grew out of nowhere in my backyard blooms and all
3. I'm out of my depression (for now)
4. going to visit my parents this weekend
5. reconnected with my best friend from high school
6. Our bachelor friend with the great party house volunteered to have our daughter's birthday party
7. Macy didn't cry at daycare this morning
8. DH has been wonderful lately
9. a clean toybox at the moment
10. morning group hugs and kisses with DH and Macy

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my baby's not a baby anymore

Macy turned 2 today. Even though she's oblivious to her birthday, I am not. I am happy and so so sad at the same time. I am happy that she is learning new things so fast and becoming her own little person. But I miss my baby. I wish I could go back just for one day to remember what she was like back then. A little poop/sleep machine. Grins and grunts. I didn't even get to spend time with her today. Her Nana took her to the zoo and is watching her while I have an office party at Cirque de Soleil. We're having her party tomorrow and I know she really doesn't know the difference, but I wish I was with her right now.

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I did it, I did it, I did it - Yeah!

I gave notice at my job today. I have been agonizing over this. I will still be here for a while, like a couple of months, but its out in the open. The end is near. My boss is just toooo nice. That's why it was so hard to do. I thought he'd just sit there and smile and nod, and that's exactly what he did. I feel so much better. I might even sleep tonight.

On another note, DivaMom had a good idea for me to seek advice on how to get my hair a pretty rosy pink. I've always done my own hair, but never pink. Any suggestions?

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I must be a sicko

I just got the nastiest "are you sick?" look from one of my coworkers. I was telling some cute little anecdote about my daughter, mentioning how we were taking OUR bath and she stopped and looked at me like I'm a disgusting pervert. She seems to think that Macy will need therapy later in life because she once bathed with her mother. Yes I bathe with my daughter. She's 2 and we have the best time in our bath. Not to mention that there's a huge drought right now and if I didn't bathe with her it would be a waste of water. Am I strange for this? If I am, I am clueless.

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John Kerry

I'm going to see Kerry speak on Monday. God, I hope he says something strong and inspiring. I need to feel something for this man, not just a vote against Bush. I'll tell ya how it goes.

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variation on sistersu's post

I love this place. I love being able to open up about the things I can't open up about elsewhere. I love the feeling of being understood. I love that people know my name here.

But. I also feel very much like an outsider here. I could not breastfeed my daughter. I am the third generation on my mother's side that has defective boobs. They really are just for show. When I became pregnant I was not educated on my choices. I had no idea that I could have my child without doctors. I read all the mainstream books that tell you what mainstream doctors want you to know. These things and others make me feel very seperated from a lot of you. Especially the breastfeeding. I have no idea what its like to be able to sustain my child with my own body. I have deep envy for those of you that do. I feel very ignorant sometimes around all you worldly mamas. I feel like I dont have much to offer. I am trying to live my life the way my beliefs dictate. And that I think we all have in common.

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ya gotta have friends, that's what its all about

That's a Sigmund and the Seamonsters reference for anyone who remembers.

I just wanted to tell everyone how much they helped me yesterday. I feel so damned alone most of the time that having you all means so much. It also means a lot to know that there are some of you out there that know exactly how this feels and aren't afraid to admit it. This is the best support group I've ever had. Who knows how I would be if I had never stumbled upon this site.

I am slightly better today. Mostly because of the encouragement and understanding I received from you yesterday. Also because I've been a little more focused on other things today. But I will get out of this hole, I always do only to return sometime in the future. I am making a doctor appt tomorrow to see what can be done about my meds (again). My main hope is that my daughter does not inherit this from me.

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breaking point

I think I'm losing it. I thought I was having a few rough days last week, but it seems I've slipped back into full on depression. Depression doesn't even acurately describe it. I am completely at a loss. I can't think straight, I have no patience. Every time I open my mouth to speak I well up with tears. I yelled at my daughter this morning for not letting me put her diaper and clothes on. I don't know whether to go straight back to a doctor or what, but I can't do this. I am freaking out. My husband called me this morning and told me to quit my job. Good news, but that wont solve my problems.

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three whole days

I survived the weekend without my daughter. I didn't see her from Friday morning to Sunday evening. This is the longest I've ever been without her. I know, it sounds small but I didn't even call to check once. Of course we were at a wedding in the mountains. And I had been drinking. Quite a bit. It really was fun. I did not intend to get in a hot tub with bra and panties with almost strangers. I did not intend to sing "Brown Eyed Girl" to everyone. This is why I don't get out much.

Anyway, back to my sweet girl. My MIL brought her home, late, with ratty hair. It looked like maybe she hadn't bathed the whole time. She had a ponytail band clinging to the very ends of her hair. My MIL ruined her favorite shirt ("I didn't know markers would stain"). This woman drives me insane. I realize she raised three boys and may not know what to do with a girl, but at least brush her hair crissake! I really am pissed about the shirt. If Macy could wear it everyday she would. This morning she asked for it and I didn't even have it cause MIL threw it away! Everytime Macy comes home she has weird stains. If she wants to stain my kids clothes, she better start paying for them herself.


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