dragdyma's blog

I cannot fight the feeling that I really want another child. I have mixed feelings, like how to rearrange the rooms of my house to accomodate another. I would not want to displace Macy from her room, but I would not want a younger child sleeping downstairs. There are other stupid thoughts like that. I hated my brother growing up, he was abusive. I do not want that situation repeated. I know the odds of that are unlikley, but the shit I took from him really has affected my life.

I suppose these thoughts don't even matter since DH has outright refused to have another baby. He agrees that that the fun outweighs the stress, but does not want another. I do.

Macy turned 2 today. Even though she's oblivious to her birthday, I am not. I am happy and so so sad at the same time. I am happy that she is learning new things so fast and becoming her own little person. But I miss my baby. I wish I could go back just for one day to remember what she was like back then. A little poop/sleep machine. Grins and grunts. I didn't even get to spend time with her today. Her Nana took her to the zoo and is watching her while I have an office party at Cirque de Soleil. We're having her party tomorrow and I know she really doesn't know the difference, but I wish I was with her right now.

I just got the nastiest "are you sick?" look from one of my coworkers. I was telling some cute little anecdote about my daughter, mentioning how we were taking OUR bath and she stopped and looked at me like I'm a disgusting pervert. She seems to think that Macy will need therapy later in life because she once bathed with her mother. Yes I bathe with my daughter. She's 2 and we have the best time in our bath. Not to mention that there's a huge drought right now and if I didn't bathe with her it would be a waste of water. Am I strange for this? If I am, I am clueless.

I love this place. I love being able to open up about the things I can't open up about elsewhere. I love the feeling of being understood. I love that people know my name here.

But. I also feel very much like an outsider here. I could not breastfeed my daughter. I am the third generation on my mother's side that has defective boobs. They really are just for show. When I became pregnant I was not educated on my choices. I had no idea that I could have my child without doctors. I read all the mainstream books that tell you what mainstream doctors want you to know. These things and others make me feel very seperated from a lot of you. Especially the breastfeeding. I have no idea what its like to be able to sustain my child with my own body. I have deep envy for those of you that do. I feel very ignorant sometimes around all you worldly mamas. I feel like I dont have much to offer. I am trying to live my life the way my beliefs dictate. And that I think we all have in common.

I think I'm losing it. I thought I was having a few rough days last week, but it seems I've slipped back into full on depression. Depression doesn't even acurately describe it. I am completely at a loss. I can't think straight, I have no patience. Every time I open my mouth to speak I well up with tears. I yelled at my daughter this morning for not letting me put her diaper and clothes on. I don't know whether to go straight back to a doctor or what, but I can't do this. I am freaking out. My husband called me this morning and told me to quit my job. Good news, but that wont solve my problems.