hello lovely ladies! time is ticking, can you hear her? i've missed you like a hot dog with no bun! let's jump in together, i promise that you'll like it!

1. this is a picture of "radical" - i can do this:

BUT: anyone who knows me, knows that i can also do:

AND i always aim for this:

2. how did i become the assistant director on this class piece! i can't even begin to describe how fucking hardcore and challenging it's been - i was on the floor last week. i got physically exhausted and ended up getting run down - i was ready to quit and i'm still thinking out my options. i was publicly fronted on by one of the instructors over a lousy 90 minute break that i had planned out. i've managed offices with over 100 people in them, as the AD i manage the daily schedule, and i've done my best with no training - somehow i've done it. this is all temporary.

the positive?: i've taught myself how to fill out call sheets and breakdown pages based on some old assed "don johnson/nash bridges" call sheet bullshit! AND a few kick ass tutorials! and you can too!

3. with pink eye i proudly filled out two applications for scholarships that are in the $1,000-5,000, range, more to come!

the positive?: got it done! and with one eye was able to bump out a fierce essay about how i would spend the money!

4. antibiotics, just take them when you need them, i swear they really work!

5. tonight - homework, i'm headed to the lab, i've been so busy that i had to take mars into work with me once and next week, we'll do the same - i missed our first shoot, i was out sick, and the remaining 3 are huge and coming up next week, i'm ready!

the positive: getting it together, the doctor was funny, he commented that most folks wouldn't have waited so long to get help - and he's right. lesson learned. everyone was cool about me not coming to the set, and prior to me making phone calls at 7 am, i was planning on winging it or lying! there was so way that i could have, my eyes were shot!

6. i'm signing mars and i up for dental insurance, she needs a good cleaning and to rock out the ortho this year - wish me luck!

the positive: we need it, and i'm making sure that we get it!

7. men, and lot's of them are approaching, i like being single, i choose to embrace it in spite of it's challenges - and i continue to wade through, until the right man finds me!

the positive?: this is how it goes! i'm on my path and i made the choice to create this leg of the journey alone, this will change.

8. i've almost completed my documentary script and i was nervous as all hell when i interviewed the executive director of youth care on a whim two weeks ago, i have another interview lined up with the seattle councilman tim burgess and terry kimball at city hall in two weeks. my piece on teenage prostitution is coming together and i was also put in contact with debra boyer the cultural anthropologist who's groundbreaking work jump started the two year pilot project that will help teenage girls get off the streets. i reached out to an ex-prostitute named eileen corocan who later created her own non-profit RISE to help women and girls get off the track and i'll call her this weekend, she's excited to get on board for this film. who did this?!! how did all of this happen?

the positive: don't give up, you're on the right track! i was able to move past my fears and reach out and manifest everyone i needed to help me create a high quality 10 min documentary.

9. the class project has thrown everyone for a loop, but i'm holding my ground, i want to create my documentary to be filmed next quarter - it means the world to me - i want to put together a quality piece that could be used to help educate the public and bring awareness/shed light on the problem - i want to help them raise the remaining $300,000 needed to fund the second half of the project - i can do this for them.

the positive?: run with it!

10. i'm holding on, but this is no joke, the work load has been intense. my mom is coming back up here in early april, after spring break and before my third and final quarter of film school kicks off - year one will be in completion.

the positive?: sometimes, letting go and shutting eyes works!

11. i am many things, mostly, i am you.

love and enjoy your thursday night!

DC/CX

let's do this ladies! in style, of course!

1. the brightest sunshine possible, just for you!

2. richard/rick/rich? i call him rick. so my gut instincts led me to send a quick note to him, i wanted to apologize for being so abrupt, and i touched on how i felt and what my week was like. i only wanted to say that i liked him and it was, what it was. while i was hopeful that we could at least be friendly/friends, i wasn't expecting too much.

3. he replied and was cool about it - he hadn't meant to "toy with me", and i secretly knew this. he likes me too and felt bad about it. he also forced my guts open, and touched on putting people getting hurt/putting walls up, etc. man, this guy isn't about to let me off the hook easy!

4. so replied back and spilled the beans, when he said that he was a "good man" i had no idea how to reply to that! and when he took notice in me "trusting him" i admitted that it made me nervous and scared.

5. where is all this coming from?

6. so he calls me twice and i call him back, the chat was divine. do you remember when sharene told me almost a year ago that i needed to meet a man who went to david deida seminars? or was open to practicing david's techniques in relationships? we discussed alot of cool stuff tonight: relationship issues, men and women, the masculine and feminine, kids, what we both want, my career, his career, how i felt, he he felt, etc. and then he says: "what you're talking about, is making me think about a book i'm reading". who do you think the author was?!! i freaked out, and he said: "why are you freaking out? why are you laughing?". i couldn't answer him truthfully.

7. we'll meet on a hot friday date on the 19th, this is the soonest that our schedules will allow, he was upset by this, but i was secretly pleased. i want to get to know this man, take my time, you know?

8. he's ready to jump in, i can feel it.

9. i admitted to my "shank house" ways, and the lady dick, the whole shebang. i told him that when i get fearful, i lash out and i'm doing my best to change this.

10. my buttons were pushed so bad this week, once by him when he didn't call - *i had mistakenly thought that he wasn't going to, when in fact he was planning on it!*, the other time was yesterday and my head is still spinning from it! i walked out of my final cut pro class after being so fed up and feeling like a total failure. i had emailed the teacher two weeks ago telling her that i was in trouble, then i spoke to her in person last week. this week, i went to turn in my homework and caught some attitude from the second year student who is constantly helping me in class. i got up several times to cry and fought back tears in my seat. when i told the instructor i felt like walking out, she literally positioned her body to try to stop me in my chair! that part was at least funny!

*disclaimer* i had initially been really excited to learn this software, until i found out that it was hard for me!

11. sharene told me two years ago that when i feel the urge to walk out, to force myself to stay. i did pretty well i thought, i made it until the last hour and then bailed. i went home and cried and took a nap, and went to work.

12. today the guys and i cranked out the final cut of my film and it's genius - i love my crew very much! we created an awesome play list and mike and byn are putting on the finishes touches to the film tomorrow night, we debut it on tuesday.

13. i questioned whether or not i should stay in the program because of this one class. years ago i made the decision that i was never good/incapable of learning math, science or computers and now i'm forced to make another choice. i can go to school at the northwest film forum, i can make other choices which would allow me more freedom in terms of classes. i don't need to learn final cut, i can pay people to do this for me when the time comes. BUT, i'll be a better filmmaker with this tool under my belt. i need a smaller class, like 4 people, not 25.

i also don't want my GPA to drop as a result of this class, i'm working towards A's and once class can tip the scales for me. i need to figure this out. i'm applying to several scholarships and i need to keep my GPA up. thank you for reading this, i appreciate your support!

love - Christy NC-17!

1. my kind of hope!

the positive? there are all different kinds of hope, the shiny and sparkly kinds make me smile!

2. so film school, the new AD (assistant director position) is hardcore, physically challenging, fast and fun!! meetings every tuesday and thursday, and as the AD i manage the daily work load, for the class! i met with the director one and one and broke down the drills that we'll begin to use in order to prep everyone *25* folks when the time comes to shoot this short film!

i handle the call sheets, and i'm the backbone of the project. i'm temporarily overwhelmed at times, but i move quickly and do what needs to be done! and what i'm told to do!

i'm realizing that this is what a hollywood set is like times 100,000. this is serious, this is what i've asked for.

last week, i finally felt grounded, and i'm talking two feet and a bill cosby sweater kind of "grounded". it took me a while, don't you think. i'm still enjoying the learning process and taking my time, i think!

the positive: i'm getting the best education possible, and i'm asking for more help. i've begun the application process to scholarships, one down and 20 more to go! i'll get what i ask for.

3. the man - the men, the whatever it is. i've extended my heart and soul out to plentyofish.com. this seems to be the hot spot. i am feeling the pinch, ladies. it's challenging for me. i don't like to rely on me, and it's flaring up big time. i don't like to trust them. but i need to. i met a nice man on line who only wanted to text, so i ditched him, like in 24 hours! i do this, and i look at other women and i wonder why what comes so naturally for most, is such a temporary struggle for me. i cry, and i try again.

the positive? i hate to say this out loud, but i'm learning as i go and the best part is that my radar is up. i can tell a good one from a bad one finally.

4. skye texted me last week and asked me how i was doing, and i asked him the same. he is staying with friends mostly and staying in his car when he can't get to a friends house. he's job and house searching and in the process of walking home from downtown seattle after work, i had the itch to call him. he admitted to me on the phone that harmoney did get an abortion 2-3 weeks prior. i had smelled a rat a few weeks back when she broke up with him, and even sharene commented on how secretive she was in the process, most likely fudging her due date. i also clocked that if the baby was his, no way would she have aborted it, period. she didn't want him there, etc. it was mind boggling that she had waited so long, no matter how long she was, she skated a fine line at nearly 18 weeks!

the positive: when my psychic radar is up, it's never wrong, and the bottom line on this one was that FINALLY someone was thinking of the baby. don't believe people when they're dumb and they lie, just don't. even if it makes you look bad or feel bad. really.

5. it took about a week for it to sink in my brain, because i would have never thought that she would have gone through it. i'm glad that she and her mother woke up in time. i personally believe the rumors that got back to skye a few weeks ago - that she had cheated on him at least once with another guy.

the positive: i broke it down to him to never let this happen again, even if she says that she's on the pill *like she did before!*. i hope he's learned his lesson. they are still together, for now.

6. i am heading to the gym tonight to unwind and detox and sweat and move my muscles.

7. i have some homework to finish up tomorrow morning.

8. i'm manifesting some cool stuff this week. a monster size tax return - $10,000, a nice pair of high heels, a nice tasty hunky man date and raking in $5,000 a night at the paramount fund rasier. just do it!

9. my film turned out amazing, my instructor still doesn't quite get it. my other teammates are proud, and even if they diss some parts, i'm holding out strong. i know good work and i know what it takes to put a kick ass sold film together. i stand by my work.

10. i'm creating a real life for myself and even when i'm physically exhausted, i move forward and ask for more!

11. i got a nice foodstamp bump up that i needed.

12. my mom comes out to see us in less than two weeks! this will be our first time together in 12 years, and her first time meeting mars! all three of us are so excited! she arrives on the 13th and leaves the 16th, i'll take a day off from school to make sure that she gets to the airport safely on her way back. the other days will be spent with her taking care of mars and getting some precious time with her, between work and school. i love her dearly and i will make it fun for her!

13. the cars just might be the best band ever!

yours - christyX

so this is what i need to do - this is what my movie looks like:

hello ladies!! i miss you and i've been thinking about you!

the razzle - the dazzle, i live for this shit!

wish me luck!

the guys and i banged out a rough cut of the first half of my film - *they worked on the editing prior to me getting off work, and i made some suggestions!*. mike play listed some of my movie song suggestions and everyone liked it!

we're having fun!

tomorrow, is the final shoot!

creating an ethiopian restaurant from scratch was challenging and amazing! my set designer stacy rocked it out for the crew!

i'm excited to see the final product - tomorrow we shoot the apartment scenes, and the montage of marissa getting ready for her online dates.

i love you - forever!

christyX

i am all this, all the time - 24/7:

in two hours, i'll be shooting the first part of my 10 minute short film! wish me luck ladies!

forever - a lady dragon and a filmmaker:

sincerely - christyX

so! SO!! how are you? where are you? i love, remember that!

1. last week i was one of 5 students chosen to write and direct a 10 minute short film. i am scared, ecstatic and ready to roll out! during the first directors meeting, my instructor showed us short poems and pictures to either use as base for a story or as a "jumping off of point". i opted to jump! i was inspired an odd hungarian painting, depicting a shadow/solid black figure - a man jumping up in the air! my instructor called this "glee". i call it: "a film about a woman who hasn't dated for a long time and is getting back on the horse. online dating 101!".

2. the trials, the tribulations, the ups and downs of coming up with a unique, original script!! - i call the feeling of this film, "hope", my instructor and a handful of the other directors called it: "perseverance".

3. isn't the same thing? merc, can you help me out here?

4. i wrote the first rough, rough draft 24 hours later and it was mind blowing! my crew was assembled last week, and EVERYONE is genius, very talented, dynamic and unique in terms of their specialties, interests and contributions - the team is behind this project 100%. i got majorly lucky this time!

5. i've faced some misunderstanding and opposition, just by a handful of folks - not everyone can see my vision, i'm letting that part go. the only thing that matters is what my crew and instructor thinks. my movie will be different and i like it that way. this is a tribute to the ladies, all over, espeically in the class. it's a chick flick for us to enjoy! and i like it that way!

6. i turn in the first "real" rough draft on tuesday, wish me luck!

7. this quarter got off to an unexpected rocky start. 4 out of 7 books still haven't arrived. it's been a pain in the ass - i won't order from individual sellers like this again! amazon is usually on point, but it's a crap shoot. i gave myself a week prior to the beginning of school and it wasn't quite enough time. if anyone can suggest a better school text book site, something more reliable, i'll take it! i put in some claims and two out of the four vendors still haven't contacted me. we'll see.

8. two of the books i absoultely needed, immediately, so i opted to check them out of the school library, after not finding them at the public library. my financial aid check was delayed and the gist was that $150 film & video deposit fee was not taken out of my last round of financial aid, so i was left with a balance. i had tried to clear this up and it was my bad, overall. i won't do this again! to be completely fair to myself, i had received conflicting information as to whether i actually owed it, blah blah blah. i received less than half my check, paid the $150 and will receive the other half at the end of next week.

9. RENT, AGAIN. this delay put me in a bad/tight spot. why is this the case, again? what can i change/re-pattern in my life in terms of money? i am facing and was served yesterday with a 3 day notice. the manager was nice and put off serving me when i told him when i could pay in full. there is very little if not, zero leeway for me around this issue. how can i handle this better next time? get over the hump, once and for all?

10. my mom - she came through. if i paid this rent up, *over a 1,000*, i would be left with nothing for 3 weeks until i get paid. i go back to work tomorrow. i didn't ask, she offered. i am grateful. i have 2 shoots to cover at the end of this month, a crew to feed, art design to tackle in order to turn my apartment into a restaurant, *all of which, i'll be reimbursed for!*. i have been emotionally bogged down for days, and my mom is going to help me. thanks mom!

11. she feels regrets over the past and not being there for me. i wish she wouldn't and someday, i'll hopeful that she won't even think about it anymore - she supported my brother and sisters education, and now mine. this means the world me, i need more help - i need her help!

12. how could i find out that i was chosen to write and direct my own piece on the same day that i face a 3 day notice?! do you see where i'm coming from?

13. i told the other 3 single mom's at lunch last week, that i would walk away from this if i had to. mars and my home come first, i'm not completely crazy! everyone was silent, except my friend who is also in a similar boat and the art director on my team. i told my mom the same thing, and she said: "christy, i don't think that you could walk away from school". i think she is secretly right, but if i had to, i would. i would feel temporarily upset and bad, but i would still continue to make movies no matter what.

14. the positive - my instructor gave us the awesome website to look up: thewashboard.org. i qualify for literally $1,000 of dollars, and i'll begin applying for money in the next two weeks. it might be more geared towards next year, but i'll take it. and in my heart, i know that i'll be in a better position - with a partner, better job, more financial aid, etc. i'll get every scholarship that i apply for.

wish me luck!

yours - christync-17!

or: "the lady who thinks that she can make "blood diamond" in just 10 minutes!".

1. happy new year!!! 2010 and rockin' the electric red heart! just for you!!

2. last night was hysterical! so i showered, dressed to kill, cried, released tension, opened my heart some more and channeled - THEN left for my first new year's night out in, maybe 20 years? it was crazy fun! and just plan crazy! i step out my door and a man who is clearly insane and carrying a bag full of SHIT, and i mean SHIT, bows! we wish each other a happy new year's - this is just the beginning!

3. i make it down to lo-fi via cab, post a really weird ATM stop. STRANGE, i tell you! weirdo's and freak's galore! anyhoozers, i get out of the cab wearing 5 1/2 stiletto's and i carefully cross a dangerous street. i make it safely across and notice the monster size line! i hug a stranger and he's so drunk he has no idea what's going on! i decide to bolt - i'll make it back to the club next weekend, before school really kicks in and when it's not NEW YEAR'S EVE!! i dodge puddles, smile and folks and enjoy the fire crackers that are exploding above me!

4. i'm a bit panicked, it's almost 11:15 pm and i need to get in somewhere! i need a drink, and i want to have fun! i head downtown and make to el corazon! i've always wanted to see this venue, and it's nice inside, but it's "metal" night! damn! everyone knows what a hardcore METAL HEAD I AM! i sit quietly and drink a beer, tap my foot to the guitar player who wasn't that great, and enjoy the vibe. the kids are trying to touch the lead singer on stage and suddenly a mosh pit breaks out! i like to see their energy rise and fall! it's enough to take it in at 37, and my shoes are way to nice, so i make a run for it!

5. DISCLAIMER - i had to pay $15 just to get into the "metal extravaganza"! it was almost worth it!

6. i dodge more water and potato's outside of the club!

7. i hoof it up denny to the cresent! the only place to be on new year's eve! i forgot how much i enjoyed this place! it's chock full of gay folks, vampires - real one's, alcoholics, karaoke, straight couples and other niceties! i fit right in!

8. i dance the night away with sergio - he's very drunk when i come in, mexican and semi-annoying when he repeats himself over and over again, by saying: "i'm a lazy artist, i worry about the government or the economy". we both know when to walk away!! he tries to say: "anyone can be a producer!". i set him straight, and he doesn't repeat that line for the rest of the night! he kisses my check and holds me close and says: "i am totally gay, and i'm getting confused". i say: "you're really gay, and you're drunk, and it's new year's eve! let's enjoy the night, it's perfect!". so we do! i tear it up until 2 am and make it home safely.

9. i drink alot - i have fun! sergio purchases another pitcher of beer and i have two glasses. champagne, mixed drinks - the works! i get up and do a scary rendition of tiffany's: "i think we're alone now"!. SCARY!, but hopefully cute!

10. sergio and i discuss art, politics and laugh out loud. i kiss and hug more strangers - i let vampires look at my neck, even though i'm scared! we step outside to smoke a marlboro, and a lady and her mean careless boyfriend are talking against the outside wall, when she suddenly crashes onto the cement - wasted. her boyfriend is lame, and the bouncer tells them that she can't reenter the bar. sergio gets pissed, and tells the man that he needs to "take care of his woman" and look after her. the guy gets pissed and threatens to beat his ass, saying: "dood are you questioning my manhood?". the testosterone rises and i contemplate getting in between them for about 2 seconds and then opt to let the men work it out themselves, and they do.

11. that incident makes me realize that it's ALWAYS a man's job to take care of his woman! even gay men know it!

12. we step back in and i we discuss our people the aztec's & mayan's - i remind him that we used to eat hearts! i tell him that 3,000 of our people try to cross the boarder every day, and only 300 of us make it! we both agree that we can't be stopped! then he says: "i wonder why they keep crossing, the state of this country, blah blah blah". i tell him: "they cross because they must". we are warriors and raise our glasses!

13. today i enjoyed a fabulous lunch out with my friend susan.

14. this has been the best christmas break ever! the best new year's ever!

15. go see - "precious" - this movie is mind blowing! the camera work, breaks my heart into tiny little pieces! monique is brilliant, there's talk of her being nominated for an oscar! i can't believe this film! i read the book about 10 years ago, it took oprah and a whole lot of guts to get this film made!

16. craigslist and match.com are heating up - wish me luck!

yours - and a lot more!

christy nc-17!

we can always do better! here is my better!:

1. let's take it way-back first! a super 8 to record all my super moments! this is fun!

these camera's are more expensive than they look! i'll take one in red and the other in black!

2. penelope spheeris - all around masculine woman, super goddess, director and producer, passionate artist, mother, all that good stuff! this lady rocks my world!

this lady is both inspirational and real - i love her to death! she directed some of my all time favorites! check out: "suburbia". you'll love it as much as i do!

3. wayne's world is the hit that everyone knows her for - but she's more than comedy, more than a punk rock goddess director, this lady spells LIFE!

4. a huge nice smelling piece of passion just for you!

5. so yesterday was sephora - and it was fun! this new line of eye make-up is to die for! check it out! the pastel's are worthy of just about everything/anything!

6. so today is great - i'm ready to pick up my 2 library books that i've had on hold for awhile now. one is on directing and the other is on lady directors. i see a pattern here!

7. ruffle's - bbq flavor!

8. plotting my new year's night out - i'm hitting up the lo-fi. i've wanted to check out this club for months now. killer tights, high heels to die for, a short skirt, the works. i'll color my hair, get all metaphysical and shit. my nails are neon pink, my pedicure is blue. things are coming together. i'm manifesting another date with a new man, better, the works. soul, rap & hip-hop should do the trick! wish me luck!

9.

a new brush set is in order!

10. i dive. i roll the dice, often. my drive can feel dangerous. not even danger stops me. i just see green. and go.

11. thank you for letting me say what i want to say! i'm in the processes of a lot of shit. and i'm almost NEVER sure where i'm headed. most of the time!

12. i bought my school books online for the second quarter that begins january 4th.

13. i landed 2 A's and 3-4 B+'s. that made my gpa - 3.4, the highest it's been since the 6th grade, how funny is that! i killed to get those grades. i still think i deserved all A's! sheesh!

forever - and a lot of moving pictures!

christy nc-17!

1. i'm serious!

if single motherhood was this easy, i would GLADLY welcome schneider up to apartment A69 *DAILY!* and let him use his drill on my lady bits until the cow's come home!

2. i panic with men, you've seen me do this - i did it again! not a surprise! what will it take for me to let them lead!!! when will i quit being a fucking lady captain! they can lead me down the road of womanhood, satisfaction, joy, self-serving, self-service? familhood, safety, happiness, a bunch of good unknown stuff! what will it take? i'll cut my hair like bonnie franklin, if i have to!

3. i was going to see jeremy again on new year's and i was really looking forward to it. between my lady balls and his constant talking of his ex, and lack of "i'll call you" phone calls, i pulled the plug. i've done this before - i get so scared! and i hate waiting to be pursued, for the call, blah blah blah. ALL women can do this, but i can't - i jump the gun - who does this?!! i do. my razor sharp instincts really hurt me, ALL the time with men. but, this time was a little different, i was partly right, i didn't pull out my ladyman homemade shank per-usual and gut him in the heart, instead, i emailed him and explained my position. who has a "position" after one date?!! i do! i can't stand this anymore, i'm not good at it.

4. filmmaking is easier than men - death is easier than men in my book. i don't like feeling "trapped", the minute they hone in, i'm ready to jump! i'm so uncomfortable, yet, my soul is always nagging my personality self to "try". i put up an other craigslist ad, and i'm doing match.com. wish me luck!

5. where is john hughs when you need him?!!

why is it easier for me to be john hughs, than samatha baker? why am i stuck on this stupid level and not learning my lessons?!!

6. i work so hard! why can't they see that?!! men are so unknown to me - how could i live with one for 14 years, and still not get it?!! what is there to get?

7. on a positive note - mars and i had fun today at sephora! when you don't know what the answers are, go to sephora!

8. so i'm planning on going out to lo-fi this new year's. i want to look sexy, do what i do best - dance, have fun - drink a beer or two - schmooze with strangers - kiss a stranger. do what i always do.....

9. everything seems easier, when you're not doing it.

10. wish me luck, i really need it!

yours - dragon chic! that's it! well, no! christy nc-17!

here i am ladies!!! and this is the tale that i've waited to tell for the past 16 months!:

1. first/foremost: a snapshot of me and what i apparently look like on a date:

2. craigslist - if anyone ever doubts that this is the place to be, send them to me. it works, it really does!

3. so jeremy is way different from the men of my past - a rocker guy! kind of! but not, really! i haven't dated the "rocker type" - they fell off my radar back in the 6th or 7th grade! i don't know, those boys always liked me - i went another way. the best part is that he never even had a real craigslist profile - he found mine, and replied. how did he find me? he lives in arlington, about an hour outside of seattle. we wrapped our date up with a steamy make-out session at 3 am! i always make it clear, that i won't have sex on the first date - he joked about the "possibility" the night before! ha, nice try dood! he was an overachiever and i ignored his masturbation in the car routine - i don't have sex on the first date! but the kissing was heavenly!

4. his dna is all over the backseat of HIS car!

5. haha!

6. i dressed to kill, like i do. he picked up me up in his giant and i mean GIANT monster size white truck and we dined on sushi, he was in good hands! he had never tried it before! how cute is that?

7. when we met, he handed me 2 dozen of these!: and i truly appreciate it!

8. i picked the movie! i should always PICK the movie! well, maybe not always, but you know what i mean! go check out: "the road" - it's a beautifully horrifying apocalyptic story - charlize theron! viggo mortensen! the works! the cinematography is divine! really!

9. a late night IHOP ghetto romp was in order - this man was out of his element, it was nice! really! things we discussed: my sex industry past, my films, his ex, my ex and other nice/real semi-gritty stuff! he was freakin' out - there is no IHOP like the one in capitol hill, where he lives! there are trees, rivers and other cool stuff! this was straight out of the "donny and marie show"!

10. mama is officially back on the horse - i signed up for match.com - we'll see what happens next.

thank you for having my back!

and don't be afraid to meet a total stranger - i mean it. people talk all kinds of crazy shit about doing this. we both were admittingly nervous, but if you can believe it, the night before our date we chatted on the phone for 5 1/2 hours! how cool is that? i hadn't done that with a person, any person, in almost 15 years!

he's dated a few women and we were able to discuss our lives openly - he was married as long as i was and has been recently divorced in the last 8 months. i would like to get to know him *and his dna!*, spend some time with him. he works grave, he's a machinist, he's a man's man! he hunts and stuff! he has two daughters!

reach out - just do it!

hearts and craigslist adds! *of all things!*

DC

a gift, on the eve, before the eve! from my heart to your precious feet!

disclaimer: think about all your feet do?!! you have the feet of a goddess, queen, sex kitten, what have you! treat yourself with love and respect! do right by your feet baby!

1. this is my next adventure:

the "trinity" - and they really are! imagine pounding the pavement in these at 2 am with a cup of hot steaming tea and a chili dog in your hand?!! this spells: POWER!

2. and next:

metallic, but not too much, right? the toe is straight up perfect/divine! this reminds me of making a wish, and having it come true!

picture yourself in a night club, out front, smoking a cigarette and waving hi to strangers - life doesn't get any better than this!!

3. dangerous and fun = these:

running for bus? walking briskly downtown? shopping at sephora?!! hell, i would wear these on a first date to the movies?!!

4. and, i suspect that these might be your favorite:

the built in understated platform is perfect! i would seriously wear these to a meeting, on a shoot, while picking up mars from kids club and to church! i mean it! any "official" spot would only be enhanced by this pair of shoes! birthday party?! why not sign a document in them?!! get kissed by a dreamy man!? you name it!

enjoy and merry christmas - happy holidays!

love - christy nc-17 and a woman who stands exactly 5'4 in heels!

1. now, ladies, take a gander at this!

this pic makes me feel hopeful!

i feel this way about my time spent with mars! and to be madonna, would of course, be divine! and to be madonna wearing madonna inspired clothes circa 84-85' that even YOUR own daughter wants to wear in 09', well folks, nothing can ever beat that!

NOTHING!

2. can we even do a number 2?! we'll try:

so the lifelong campaign wrapped up last friday, it was an amazingly short and sweet two week fund raising campaign for me - all ladies, nothing could be sweeter! everyone got down and dirty, and we liked it that way! i hit the donors hard, as usual and talked to some amazing folks and just a few amazing asshole's! the best part - i pitched them hard at $2500, and i landed a handful of large gifts, $1000 and a few $500's.

3. so annie my buddy who i've worked with on two lifelong campaigns used to work for an elite dating service, it was high flautin', i think people spent nearly $1800 just to sign up! so i asked her the tough question: "would you recommend a dating service for someone like me" - and she replied honestly: "i wouldn't recommend it to most people". she went in depth, and when she began a sentence with: "christy, there aren't a lot of how shall we say: artists....." i started to laugh! i knew where she was going with this! in the end, she told me that behind the scenes it was a lot of wealthy accountants, etc. who used services like these. she offered me a huge mountain high tip that sharene had put in my ear a year ago! craigslist. so i did it! annie put up an half assed ad, in the middle of the night, partially drunk and met her current very nice boyfriend of 10 months on it! it can work!

4. i posted the smoky - i'm tired - and overworked - but still lovely - and a bit gritty, when needed! - pic, the asian farrah faucett inspired hairdo! then i got all nervous, and then they started to reply!

5. about 20-25 men so far, in 48 hours, pretty good i think. it could be more, i don't know. 2 were good, one of the two is great - at the very least, no matter what happens, i would consider this person to be a new friend! this is taking it SLOW for me. it's challenging for me to do anything slow, but i'm learning!

so this man - divorced and single like me for over 2 years, very nice, great sense of humor!! very handsome, my age, ex-fireman, injured on the job after 13 years, is now in nursing school. 1 teenage son, and he's also taking care of his dad, who has cancer. this man is searching like i am. i would love to see him, a date night would be great!

we've emailed each other, wish me luck!

6. i am love - and i am searching for two bodied love, in the heart & arms of a strong man - someone stronger than me! i actually used the term: "hunter/gatherer" in my ad! i laid it out, as best as i could, i hope i did okay!

7. today was amazing and physically tiring/challenging - i worked out well beyond capacity, i'll be more conscientious of this next time! not a good thing! and then i met up with my friend stacy from film school and her son nation - we went to the joy and toy salvation army giveaway! i was blown away by what they offered! they let me pick out mars toys and i walked away with at least 8-10 amazing gifts for her! i am beyond grateful for their generosity!

8. have you ever had to walk around with no underwear because all of your drawer's were dirty? i did this today, and as sad as it might sound - i didn't mind it after awhile! my butt is fairly clean!

9. scratch that last sentence, horrible! my butt is immaculate!

10. money has been challenging, but some is on it's way. i've had to sell some rare cd's this week, but i held out as long as i could! sharene commented that even when i've teetered, i always hold it down and bring it back up again!

11. time for a hot shower!

12. so i ran into jamanesh in the laundry room tonight and asked her if she and her kids wouldn't mind taking mars again 3 nights a week so i could work, she said that she would talk to them - i offered her $60 a month, (literally $20 a teenage/young adult!) for pitching in and taking care of mars! this is chump change, but i want to offer up something - m-wed, 4-9, and 9 is late for their family! she was supportive as usual, and i appreciate her families help. i explained to her the situation, and i felt bad asking her, but i felt like i had too. money matters when someone is helping you - do what you can. this is my philosophy!

13. i found all my 2nd quarter books on line for literally $100 and change - this surely beats the crap out of the $400 i dropped last quarter. i want to rock out 2nd quarter hardcore, i'm almost ready!

14. sharene reminded me that nobody can do it alone and she's right. i'm ready to partner again, i need too. this situation is ridiculous and i feel bad about the constraints that i'm temporarily under. this is self imposed, i realized, but this is also what happens when you're a single mom, 37, and chasing hollywood. i'm a filmmaker, i need to do this. i need to create and manifest more help, more than ever before - every second of my life is valuable, precious and counts. more than ever, i mean it.

15. you are valuable, don't forget!

16. i got a phone call from tamara the manager at the paramount, where i'll return for the second leg of their campaign on jan 11th. the comped rockette's tickets have arrived for christmas eve! i honestly thought that maybe they had sold out, but to read her text today really made my day! they landed mars and i two loge seats, best in the house with VIP access to the private paramount club! we'll both get dressed to kill and murder the scene - mars wasn't thrilled until i told her what the show was, and how beautiful the paramount is, and now she's excited. i couldn't be more grateful. this makes me feel like the luckiest person alive, i'm serious. i've always wanted to see them live, and their christmas performance will be off the chain!? crazy! i told mars that i had wanted to be a rockette when i was little, she laughed!

life is sweet, when you least expect it!
your fiery friend - christyx/christy nc-17 and possibly still DC!

it seems ridiculous and unheard of. it's been exactly 3 weeks since my last top 10 list. never again will it take me this long to show gratitude. here i am, and this is what i have to say today:

1. this is a forgiveness mandala: this is where i'm at:

things have come to a complete halt. yesterday, i realized that while skye was here, i was unable to channel properly. the level of stress that he instantly brought into my house, was thrust into my lap, unexpectedly and WITHOUT my permission! it dawned on me that he literally walked into my house and dumped his crap on me, with no hesitation. scott was done the same way, we talked about the situation for the first time yesterday, and it felt powerful to lay it all out there. we both agreed that neither one of us was willing to house them when and if they came around, with the expectation for "help". everyone has literally begged me not to do it, and i know that sharene agrees. so i won't.

i forgive myself for how i've reacted - that might sound strange - but i wish that i could have found some clarity sooner - everyone has felt the tiny ripple of skye's situation, so all i can say is: thank you for listening and reading my personal thoughts/words.

2. this is susan seidelman's first full length feature film - see it! i rent it from time to time, mars and i dozed off to this fantastic, life changing and gut-inspiring film at 4 am - you can have this new wave/punk inspired fantasy too!

3. i am a changed person as a result of this recent madness. i asked skye to leave immediately yesterday. in a nutshell - he was upset over not getting the target job permanently, and while that was understandable - this is the second job that he hasn't "gotten", and at least some of the fault lies in his horrible attitude. we all know that people don't repeatedly "loose job opportunities" magically!

even after we negotiated and he agreed to spend money on household food, and take care of mars 3 days a week so i can work, he was adamant about not pitching in even $25 dollars for food this week. even though he currently has more money that i do, and recieved a full pay check on friday - i knew it was going to a be a battle, so i initially told him that i had already sunk in $30 for food, and that was all i could afford. i explained to him that i wanted to write down a few things on list and have him buy them - he immediately started to pout and put up a fight!

i told him this wasn't working and asked him to leave at the end of the month, he kept at it and accused me of attempting "swindle" him - so i told him to leave immediately. funny enough, i still handed him the $100 i promised him for the cable bill loan. a few days ago a few close friends at job corp tried to warn him and told him that they knew harmoney had in fact cheated on him at least once during their time apart. when i asked him about whether or not he felt the child was his, he said yes, and i agreed with him. but when i asked him if he thought the rumor was true, he said he didn't know - it might be/50-50.

the positive? i can think now! and i feel better! both scott and i agreed that he really wanted to be with harmoney and her family right now, and it makes sense. we were both disappionted that he wasn't willing to just man up and say so and go on his own terms instead of making it complete hell for everyone involved.

4. a few days ago - i made the decision to not accept his help anymore with mars because the "cost" was much too high for me. it wasn't fair, and to be honest, he needed to be cut loose, it was obvious. it puts me in a challenging place, because i did need his help. i'm going to channel it out there and get the support i need. i'm going to talk to my neighbor jamanesh and see what we can work out. if i have too, i'm willing to take less child support from scott, so he can pitch in, but that's absolutely last resort. i'm going to tackle this 2nd quarter head on - with childcare secured before i go back to work on the 11th.

5. gold trees are the best!

6. but my absolute favorite are:

7. thank you to everyone who pitched in support on this one:

merc, meds, freakin, deni, guava, before's, green, zoe, rev. mo, velma, shades, yogi, expat, turtle, dyn and mne!

what can be said of true friends? thank you for your compassion. welcome to another top 10 list!

8. i'm dreaming up some new stuff - i can finally do it again!

9. this week is going to be busy! tomorrow - i need to head down to the career center at central and look up scholarship info, drop by grassroots and pick up a form i needed them to sign to get mars childcare renewed from dshs, photocopy stuff, go to my counseling appointment and go to the gym!

10. this ones for you!

love always - christy nc17

p.s. so many positive things happened during my last few days of school. i have copies of my work! this is thrilling! we viewed our work on tuesday of the last week, and it was powerful - i enjoyed watching everyone's shorts. seeing my name as: "director of photography" was nice! when my instructor handed out some material he made a great joke: "christy x, when will you be christy xxx?" - i said: "that was 10 years ago sal, you're too late, someday i'll show you the pictures!". my buddy ticia sat next to me and laughed! he said: "someday you'll be christy nc-17".

my day has come!

so i'm sweating up a storm at the gym, and i look up, as i'm mid-row, and start to laugh.

i see a horrible grainy, extremely blurry and sqeud
version of a "dog" movie on the ginormous flat screen oddly placed above me.

and i immediately think: "i will never direct a dog movie".

this realization came to me just in time! i'm knee deep in reading my final film history chapters for the week, we're wrapping up the first quarter on thursdsay. but even funnier than that, is the book that i'm reading called "calling the shots" a profile of women filmmakers.

every woman in this book is ovaries to the wall gutsy and most are masculine.

the best part is reading about martha coolidge's past experience of primarily being offered "teen films" to direct - which i personally think is cool and way better than "dog" films.

i watched this animal run, chase, scamper and fight, and i immediately thought - "forget that, can you imagine how complicated and challenging it would be to direct a freakin' crew AND an animal!?".

never mind - case closed. no benji for this ho!

teen flicks here i come!

yours - christyXDC

1. WOW! i am so many things today - right now, this very second. a week ago i found out that skye's girlfriend harmoney is 12 1/2 weeks pregnant. i was the second to the last person to find out - my psychic radar told him about 6-12 months ago, not to get her pregnant, because he would ruin his life and ultimately end up responsible for not only her, and an unwanted baby, but also her ENTIRE ghettoassed family. i reminded him of this over the course of the last 3-6 months and suspected about 2-3 months ago that she was pregnant, i asked him at least once, possible twice if she was, and he said no. i reintierated that they should be using condoms, and he said they were.

7 days ago, my radar forced to me to ask him for the 4 millionth time, and i was right. i am hurt, devastated, disappointed and angry. i am also: excited, happy and i love this little boy, who i call tiger, tigger, or even tig. this legacy in my family has run through the last 4-5 generations, i was also a teenage mom. i'm getting over the shame and embarrassment, he has no idea what he's done.

i asked sharene last week if i should have known, if statistically he was bound to do this, like we all did. she said absolutely not. as a boy, and after years of witnessing scott's lack of support in my life, and my FRANK discussions about sex with him, there was no way to know that he would end up in the same boat. she assumed that he would do the complete opposite. SURPRISE to the world, that he didn't!

i am ashamed, and feel a bit defeated. she asked me to try not to think about it at all this week, she said that she was mostly worried about me, trying to take this one on. she reminded me that the person with the strongest will, can bend the outcome of the situation, and i know she's right.

she also reminded me that i was the last one to know because between harmoney, skye and her mother, they ALL knew how i would feel about this, and didn't want to hear a "no". how sad and frustrating is that? they have nothing. skye left scott's after 3 months, they were barely communicating with each tother and it didn't work out. skye continues to pull his 16 year old immature shit, at 19.

he picked two fights with me this weekend, the first one happened as he was moving his stuff in, without any discussion as to what was going on, etc.

both were over not allowing him to drink beer in the house, my standard rule for a variety of reasons. he also threw it in my face that he was upset over taking care of mars and contributing to the household, both of which he agreed to!

he is fucked, they are fucked, and we all know it.

2. and now for something both ridiculous and humorous!

I'M expected to wear these, at 37?!!!

3. i am a foxy bitch, period!

I CHOOSE to continue to wear these, instead:

these reek of at least normalcy, don't they?!! and slight sex appeal, when I'M wearing them, right?!!

4. i am not a victim, nobody is. i live by this motto. what else is there?

5. i have $11 in my pocket until tuesday when i donate plasma again - $5 of that will go to counseling. my son has needed help and has refused it repeatedly. what is with people? why do people choose to beat their own heads against brick walls? i am so fucking sick of this mentality, you have no idea. anyone who is not committed to healing, or self love, needs to leave my world, immediately! i mean it. self healing and love are COMMITMENTS. you do this, because you need to do it, and you know that you and everyone around you benefits from it. give me a freakin' break people!

6. so we finally wrapped up andrew's film - what a pain in the ass this last project was! andrew's addiction has been haywire and luke threatened to not even show up last night! andrew had the audacity to be rude to me when i was shooting the camera and i had to tell him to cut it out. this film will still be the best out of the whole class, we all know it.

because he failed to plan anything out, we made 3 attempts to shoot the final sequence, over the course of 3 different nights! too boot, the actress had us waiting in the seattle freezing cold until 1230 am, only for her to bail out at the last minute! douches! totally unprofessional and a waste. no apology from andrew, of course. he's a horrible director and very talented, but wasted all the time. he wasted the teams time and energy, i would NEVER do this. i'm glad that it's over.

7. last night i watched a great guerrilla documentary: "blowtorch betty". they were a kick ass all girl rock band, i'm sure that shades knows about them! watch it!

8. i'm going to murder the gym today!

9. i managed to rake in almost 3grand for aids alliance last week, in spite of all this current hullabloo.

10. success - this is what i'm aiming for:

i received an A- on my "desperately seeking susan" thesis. and after speaking to my instructor, he said i had "producer chops". this meant the world to me.

11. into the future!

love you - no matter what! thanks for reading this blog, i know it was challenging to digest!

your friend - christyx/always - DC

this is almost funny, at least, it could be - 5 hours after the fact! you be the judge!

1. so let's say that you've met with the crew last week and the instructor okay'd you to bust into the greyhound and scout it out - on the DL of course, or if you're you, you'd call it: guerrilla style. you say these things and get all excited. let's say that he and the director want to maybe shoot some stuff for the short film in the greyhound. you're the camera lady, and you can't wait to do it! so after work you head down there with something that might look like this, tucked under your arm before you enter the station, and it's turned on!

2. let's say that just 10 minutes prior to stepping in the station with the camera secretly loaded, you accidentally step both feet into a MONSTER SIZE pile of human feces! and shit! you only checked one shoe! and it's your nice-hard-earned-i won't even mention the fact that they cost $70 at nordstorm's and it took you all summer to manifest them hot-pink-deluxe shoes called:

3. FUCK! anyways, let's say you're doing your best and you make it inside and the room is jam packed with people! you don't blow your own cover! you fake a drink at the water fountain! whew! you make it upstairs into the shitty ghetto disgusting bathroom and your batteries are dying! you might be dying too when you're trying to clean the remaining shit stuck to your nice shoe! maybe you balance on one foot and stick the battery charger that you just tried to use at your gym, with no success, into a wall socket on the even more disgusting floor. you balance and you still don't notice the other shoe covered in human greyhound shit!

4. you feel defeated, the take is lengthy, and what sal wanted, it's what you wanted - but you can't even watch the whole thing, the batteries are fucked up, and you're tired you just left work the day after thanksgiving! you need to get home and eat, watch holly hunter in "saving grace" because every night it's gotten you through your daily studying, fatigue, care taking of the kids and other shit. you're also thinking about this lady:

5.
susan seidlman

6. you're almost positive that you've posted this picture before, but you don't care! she is pure inspiration! you think about your last formal critique, #4. you start to research "desperately seeking susan" and susan, herself! you think about how much you like her movie "smithereens". you smile when you think about how nobody else is going to write about this film. the rough draft is due on dec. 2nd. and you'll have it in the bag!

7. you think about how hard you've worked in the first quarter of film school, and you can't even believe that you've made it this far! and it's only the beginning!

8. you think about your own film, and what you want to do to complete it!

9. you stay up late and say thank you to the universe for your life, family, friends and this kick fucking ass opportunity. you want it so bad. you have to have it. or else. nothing can take it's place.

10. you channel into the wee hours. you thank maggles for her nice compliment. you think about how strong your clairvoyancey is. what you've done to keep it that way, and rebuild your mind, life, heal your soul and all that good spiritual stuff.

11. it's only friday, people! enjoy the weekend!

12. you go. it's what you do.

13. you plot to go back tomorrow, in the daylight and re-shoot. you won't step in shit this time, and you're grateful that you noticed the other shit-filled shoe just in time and cleaned them both off. they look good as new. you'll do your mantra's, and maybe even help stacy and williams team with the voice over that they need to complete their commerical with. you like doing voice over's.

14. you like your voice, and you use it.

this one is for you, maggles!

hearts and other bundles of fun stuff!

glitter - christyxdc

1. just like i said!

2. so today we wrapped up the commerical shoot - it was stellar! and this is what yesterday looked like for me:

2. *yes, let's do #2 again, why not?!!* - i ran to school, ran to the bank, ran to the 1st part of the shoot, ran to work, sauntered home and ate homemade spaghetti, sauntered to the gym, sauntered out at 1 am and grocery shopped, sauntered home and watched the tail end of the johnny cash movie. then i fell asleep at 3 am and then woke up at 6 am to make it to part 2 of the shoot by 9 am.

3. the PSA was a hit! people cried! i was proud and excited to give the presentation, man i love a good presentation!

4. onto the final production, a short film. i'm the camera woman, and i like it that way.

5. lovely conversation with my mom tonight! thanks for the cookies and tofu recipe mom!

6. i need to meet with capitol hill housing on monday, wish me luck! the property manager tried to deny me any further payment plans, in spite of the CEO saying that i could last summer. lesson learned: get shit in writing! i'll do my best.

7. happiness.

8. cube steak.

9. happy thanksgiving to everyone!

10. skye landed a great job at target, he's stocking shelves, grave shift. he'll get used the hours. he might be moving back home a time in january we'll see. he bought a car with the last of his job corps money, and helped me with some groceries this week. he's growing up, in the right direction. he's agreed to help me this year, and watch mars 3 days a week, so i can work at night.

11. thanks skye!

12. i met a kick ass girl today, i'll tell you about her later. i want to make a documentary showcasing her life, i think she would like that!

13. i met a great hairdresser and friend today - val. i was hipped to a $5 haircut day that seattle central beauty school was holding, as a fundraiser. i showed up, and everyone was so cool. val spent 2 1/2 hours on my head, this could have easily cost me $200. he did an amazing job, washing, massaging, and cutting my hair. the blow dry and curling was a bonus! i gave him my card, he offered me free make up and hair for the actors on my shoots. so nice!

14. the instructor came out and introduced herself to me, she was really nice. we exchanged cards and she commented how she wanted to work with the film and video department to provide our actors with complimentary services. we both wondered out loud, why we shared the building and why nobody had reached out before. i reassured them both that i would send some clients there way, and i will. how perfect was today?

15. when i say that i'll do something, i always come through.

your friend,

the human fire ball/christyX/dc

FIND the inspiration that you need - it's out there. period. nothing else, i mean it!

1. there is so much, i laugh out loud at myself, for even trying to explain it! i must, so i try! BUT first:

gary newman:

2. we wrapped up the PSA re-shoot just a few hours ago, so i made beef and broccoli for mars and i to enjoy! prior to that very moment or this one, i got up around 700 am and made homemade potato leek soup and corn muffins for the crew. nobody could pitch in for beer money, so the large dos equis in the back of the fridge is all mine! this second shoot was recommended by our instructor, prior to the completion of last weeks initial shoot, so we re-did a few parts, added a few new shots - laid it down!. the director and i laid down the voice over last week, using my voice. things are taking shape. i am a producer of/by nature, and force. it's in my dna, i think.

3. i am taking 18 credits, they tell me! and i'm working part time, nights (20 hours) fund raising for the paramount theater. the manager got us in for free to the fierce pixies concert two nights ago. i like the pixies, it was fun!

4. the next piece will be directed by me over the course of two different days - the producer is laying down the vibe/shaping the credit card commerical - and i need to take it and run. DISCLAIMER: when you enter this business, not everyone will like your ideas or understand them. even in film school this pops up. you deal with it, because:

a. it's reality.

b. it's real.

c. it's nice that they tell you to your face when something isn't going to work/or not working with the storyline, etc.

EXAMPLE - i worked until 1 am the other night putting together a fucking fierce assed shot list and matching storyboard - i added a few extra shots to the producer's initial story/look and feel. what happened? he liked it a lot, and our instructor didn't like about 1/2 of it. the half that i created from scratch! sweet punani, this can't be helped! i still worked hard and TRIED to justify the means and my attempt to put a spin on the commerical. this is not personal, by any means - this is just how it is!

moving forward -

5. it takes major guts to do this kind of work. sometimes i have them, sometimes i don't.

6. we shot today at my place, mars stayed with me the whole time during the shoot. i realized today that the rest of her childhood would be spent on a set with me, watching me work. i would highly recommend that you do this, at some point when it's age appropriate, or if it won't drive you crazy. what more can we do for these kids? when they see you doing something that you really enjoy, there's nothing better right?

7. i am practicing the camera for the last project, a short silent film. i'm the camera woman for the job - watch me shoot!

8. tonight - hammering out my 3rd formal critique, it's not due until next week technically, but i can't work under the gun - you know that i love to write, and the process takes me a little longer than most folks! all this dang analytical thinking put to work! it's nice, but time consuming on top of reading and the final month of film school before our christmas break. i can do this, because it needs to be done.

9. i'm manifesting more money as we speak, i need it!

10. when i go to the gym these days, i like to imagine myself on a small speed boat, plowing people down and literally shooting at them *pretend laser tag, i think! BUT on water!?*. it's fun to imagine plowing down what you need to!

11. when you need to do move something, please just do it. why wait? there is no time. everything is right now.

12. hello maggles! thank you for the funny joke, it made my night!

dragon chic/christyX

whata week! how have you been? i'm thinking about you, right now! anyways, here i am:

1. so the paramount campaign has been serious biz! i racked in almost $12,000 my first week, and dipped down and bit to almost $5,000 last week. i worked my tail off - renewing broadway subscriptions for 7% and getting the single ticket folks in on a whopping 10%! holy dangers! this work bought me some nice stuff like:

a hot pink/orange version of these:

2. it feels good to have pink tennis shoes, remember when i was manifesting these badboys during the summer? i really wanted them - i can produce and director like a mofo in pink tennis shoes! just watch me!

3. i hit a major brick wall this week - someone i tried to be friends with, attempted to badmouth me and lie behind my back, to other classmates via facebook. it wasn't right/good. i'm healing.

4. isn't this college? i haven't come across anything like this since high school - i was shocked. 3 out of 4 group mates/classmates told the truth, the liar was left to look and act stupid. this is clearly a pattern for this person - it won't make it. my anger addiction needs to be checked, so i'll check it.

5. i go back into sharene's on monday, it's been a whole month! i can do the work.

6. the positive - my psa proposal was a hit, and 3 of us scouted the location and scored a great motel. my storyboard was fierce! i opted to create a real one, and you would have laughed your ass off! i walked in with this monster size board, and nobody else had one like it! i am ridiculous, i know! people were nice and complimented me - i actually thought that maybe it wasn't "enough".

7. i've worked my ass off, in the past 5 weeks - and i'll continue to hone my craft and get even better - i received a B on my first paper. and i'll complete the psa script tonight.

8. i'm set to direct the next group project, a commerical about investment/banking.

9. my nails are green, just like they should be.

10. late nights, reading, studying, group discussions, the whole works!

11. i need to finish my film, i need to complete it - i need to sell it. i'm done with these stupid ass JOBS. i don't want this anymore, i want my real life, my destiny, and nothing else.

12. what do you think?

13. i search. i find new ways, new stuff - i dive, usually headfirst, i push and pull - i drift when i want too/need too. i type and i type. i'm happy - i need to tweak out a few more things in my life, and then my dreams will be complete.

your friend,

christyxDC

i talk in pure gibberish, and i hope that it stays that way! i'm knee/armpit deep in critical/analytical thinking. most mamacita's on this board are anatyical thinkers, don't you think? i'm opening my brain up and all this kicking of the ka-nowledge is helping me to expand and grow! light is helping my brain! i'm digesting the good stuff! it's all in there, and this is what i've discovered/what i'm letting out today:

1. this is what a producer does - and if you cut and paste my head on this picture, it would look a whole lot better!

in a nutshell, i am producing the first major class project, a PSA. i've made contact with the client, life long aids alliance. i'll recieve some liteature from them on monday, some volunteer quotes on the following monday, i'm taking calls and communicating with my crew - my offical proposal is due oct.20th. i'll create the story board and script. i'll work closely with the director jo and everyone/anyone else under the sun to make this thing happen, really pull/bring it together. i'm totally shocked that i can do this naturally - i've sat in on three meetings and watched the other teams struggle a bit or alot! i flow, and so does my team. i'm responsible for the talent, etc.

2. i am also an orchid, today:

sweet, gentle, nice and sturdy! and very sexy!

i am not stanley kubrick *thank goddess! how boring would that life be?*, nor am i steven spielberg or even a hitchcock. although i suspect that i have a little hitchcock in me!

3. on the set, at school, producing and while i'm learning on the job, i am a bit more like this:

a producer must have direction, and mr. t and i have a lot in common! this is not to say that i am mean or unreasonable or ungrateful, or rejecting the added support and ideas of my crew. in reality, and in my heart & soul & creative mind, i need a little of each, to get this thing off the ground! i accept it, and i recieve gracefully. i remain focused, in love and totally positive.

4. i've been working on my first thesis for days now, i've reviewed the shit-tastic "paths of glory" so many times that my freakin' ovaries have exploded in a masculine woman-kind of way! i really don't like kubrick, why do people kiss his dead ass so much? please spare yourself, i love you way too much for you to ever watch this film! i've written 2 rough drafts and i'm meeting up with my PSA crew to study. wish me luck!

5. today is miraculous. it just is!

6. the kids are great - pulling their weight, they inspire me and encourage me to move foward on my big hollywood plans. this shit is challenging - i'm reading and studying everynight. i'm eating a ton of spinach!

7.

i want what this lady has!

8. my plans have shifted and changed - i want a college education so badly! i want this! i want to graduate, and what will happen when i complete this film? i want to sell it - i will. what offers can wait? what will i get in return for all my effort? i'm considering just filming my new york tunnel movie after this year, after my graffiti film comes out, after i walk away with some money in my pocket. i'm a guerilla i can do this my way.

9. i feel this in my heart and soul today:

10. thanks mom for sending me an amazing package! i not only loved it, but it was nicest present that i could ever think of! love you mom!

11. i'm waiting for the cable guy to show up.

12. open up your heart really wide, it's scary sometimes, and the results can be shocking, but i swear it's worth it!

yours, for real - christyXDC

1. this is what i've gifted to myself:

this is what precious looks like.

2. how is your day going? it's not over yet!

3. so today was TODAY!? christ on a huge sopping wet cracker!? and i love freakin' christ!! you know i do!! i can't believe i even made it in there!? i can't believe how nervous i was!? i learned alot! here is some of it:!

4. i raise my hand alot - i speak alot. i have alot to contribute. i also have alot to learn. i like learning! i think - it even likes me, more!

5. i came to the conclusion tonight that one of the reasons why my career is so precious to me is because it's the only thing that i've ever given/gifted to myself. i mean it. i fit, it fits me.

6. we'll have 11 weeks! 11 weeks sounds like a piece of cake and a lot of reading! we'll create a PSA, a commerical and a silent film. we'll break into groups and stick with eachother and by eachother, *help eachother* for the quarter! i like teamwork! i have a lot to learn about it!

7. this is just one of my classes! i'll learn more tomorrow! i need 1 text book and a notebook for my com101 class....

8. i am so lucky to be here! to be a little physically tired, and smiling at myself in the mirror!? this is the good stuff - this is what i've been waiting for.

think about it - i tried my hand at san francisco community college 17 years ago!!? i just thought about this today....

film school will teach me the underlying basics, everything i need to know - combined with the guerilla filmmaking, and i'm one foot out the door! this is a winning hand!

9. i'm getting my hair and nails done this weekend. it's time.

10. tonight was challenging at habitat - we're wrapping up the campaign and it's been a doozy! i'm still gunning for the $1,000 gift! i honestly thought that i would have at least two of them, by now! i move forward and do my best inspite of this.

11. i will gift myself more. i need too.

12. this is where my heart is.

13. i have a job interview lined up for next week - the ACT campaign doesn't start until oct. 19th and i need to fill in the two week gap inbetween. it's for the seattle opera, i know, i know. you know how much i despise this type of music! no offense - you know that i'm the lady who prefers "ice cube and his 1/2 ounce!". it's a fundraising/subscription renewal combo, similar to ACT. i've been warned, by one phoner who i currently work with, but i need to keep the ball rolling, and this makes sense.

14. i'll do it.

yours and other nice green things with tails!

christyXdragonchic

this first one pretty much sums it up - i'm headed into college!

1.

2. the dang cable was temporarily "interrupted" - instant, presto! the cable is back on! you have to laugh about this!!!

it was challeging - i need to be up and running at home, at all times! past: i hustled at the library for about a week, MAJOR freakin' B.O. issues going on in there! i sat next to two folks who were literally slicin' and dicin' onions in their pits! their armpits were just like the mini "bullet" choppers that you see on an infomercial! crazy train! this is why cable at home is necessary....

3. habitat is winding down and it's been extremely challenging - i'm still hustling for that $1,000 gift! i really want one! the positive: i've landed serveral $500 gifts on this campaign.

we met with marty the CEO last week in the call center. i made several suggestions on what could/should be changed in the future - he was cool and listened.

he was such a cool guy, but not a lot of muscle! when i'm the CEO of my own company, you better believe that i'll have muscle to back me up!

4. this scenario would work out much better:

*and check out the hot ladies, choregraphy and cute kids*

5. i'm thrilled to be going to film school - this is college! everything is lined up, i've made all the phone calls and i know where i'm going on tuesday morning - i'll get my financial aid check cut on wednesday. i'll purchase supplies and my hard drive. i'm going to drive this thing over the edge, if needed. i'm ready for the challenge, i've waited a long time for this.

6. this is my movie:

*happiness*

i made the decision to put an add in craigslist to make contact with the grafitti writers/artists and taggers that i want to meet. wish me luck!

7. northwest film forum is having a cool party next friday that i'll attend - it's the "local sitings" festival - they pay tribute and support local artists like me. it sounds like fun! film, drinks and schmoozing.

8. on saturday the seattle film institute is putting on a special 90 minute free class on 3-D animation film making. it sounds really cool, count me in! the catch is that afterwards, they're doing a tour of the school, which i've already toured like 2 times! chris and david will recongnize me, but who cares! i want a free film class!

9. i'm gearing up to look for a better night job, more hours, like 32 and better pay/benefits. wish me luck!

10. skye turned 19 yesterday! mars and i are taking him out to dinner tonight when he gets back from eastern washington. next week i'll take him to the premiere of the new drew barrymore film.

11. i realize that drew is a "legacy" but i'm really proud of her directoral debut. alot of folks want to direct but, few have the chops to do it - even if they're considered hollywood royalty. she did it! i suspect that leo dicap is next!

12. i missed you alot, did i tell you that!

13. i'm taking over the master bedroom in my apartment - skye moved all of things out, finally! my stuff is overflowing in my old room, i've grown out of it. it's time for change!

stay focused and positive,

love, christyX

let's begin! but first a hello!

1. forgiveness might taste/feel like this:

2. and heaven could be a man/energy like this:

3. and this is what i'm searching for:

4. i am a whole person, but here are my parts:

5. back to the jesse james story - this was genuis. i think brad pitt gets better and better. the accent? the physicality of the role? he is all heart and soul. i dig his work and i dig jesse james!

6. i'm learning alot right now - sharene has reminded me about the "consquences" of my actions. she's right, taking on film school, being a mother, searching for the right man, working full time or part time, filming a movie, lining up a second film project to shoot/work on, editing my first film when it's completed. i only have $100 in emotional energy to spend everyday. where will my energy go? i'm figuring it out as i type this.

7. i am full - it feels good.

8. i'm storming the habitat campaign.

9. i'm searching for live in help - i want to manifest the perfect scenario, the right fit, the best roomate/support possible.

10. i dive into things, head first. someday this will change, right?!

a top 10 that was really only 10?! what is happening to me?!!

your friend and other nice things:

christyX/dragon chic!

let the party begin!

1. this is my kind of marriage: can you see how happy bonnie is? she's damn near climbing the car for her man! can you see how reliable clyde is? this man is 110% reliable! no matter what, bonnie can be great, because clyde always has her back/best interest at heart - i want clyde!

2. so this is apparently what a gravity storm looks like: this is what i'll feel when i meet clyde! pretty nice, huh?

3. this is what i have for my men on the front line - i miss them, especially bill!

4. more of what i want: why does a woman like me want a beret and a gun? why not? i want a partnership and this is the best image that i can think of. clearly nobody is getting out alive, and nobody is going anywhere without the loot! i like this idea. somehow it's comforting and it works. it's the idea of love and commitment that sounds tasty to me! clyde is the full package, the real deal and he handle's business with his woman by his side! TASTY!

5. so tonight i killed the call center - i raised the most money, almost $600 bucks. we cheered eachother on, and joe and i played our usual scorpio antics! i'm a fundraising slut! and it's a good thing to be!

6. my obsession with gravity continues:

7. okay mercury - the best new order song? "regret". what do you think? isn't this the one that you reccomended? i swear it is, tell me if i'm wrong!

8. so i panicked a bit today, i wondered what i had done wrong. i thought about all my financial struggles this year and wondered what i could have done differently. i left shps, i worked the non-profit sector until there were no more haircuts at 7! i swear i've done my best! what could i have changed? not made this film? i would have still ended up going to film school. i need to learn how to make hollywood films, where else will i learn this? i need more help. i keep going.

9. i am ready for more in my life, this is not enough. i will make a new list of things, i will find a way to grow more, live more, be happier, experience nothing but bliss, release the pain and dissapoint in my heart, for good. i will practice what i preach - i want positivity and radiance to engulf my life/heart/soul and mind. i want nothing less than constant joy, even after experiencing the worst heart break/pain. i can do this. i will find a way.

10. i love you clyde!

11. my mom and i have been in constant contact via myspace and nothing makes me happier right now!

12. tomorrow i will rake in even more money for habitat. i like these guys alot!

13. i am bonnie, and i wait for my turn.

love you - always, christyX

14. bonus material - my new business cards have arrived, you wouldn't believe them. i put diamonds on them, i think they sparkle on their own.

1. don't be scared folks! it's just the yaz!!

2. i've suspected all along that i'm the only 36 year old mixed woman who closes her blinds and dances to the "situation" at all hours of the day and night! please don't tell anyone!

3. tonight was the first night of the habitat for humanity campaign! did i tell you my plan? the payscale is nice and totally different from the aids alliance. they've opted to do more cash bonus' and i'm going to take it all! i need it, i want it, and i'm going to blow the roof off this mother when nobody is looking. i ask high when nobody else wants too. wish me luck!

4. i wore pink fishnets tonight. i hugged alot of people and smiled a lot too.

5. so i'm waiting at the bus stop tonight, i need to get downtown - i could walk it, but didn't feel like it. i see the neon green shirts and i know it's our crew! i get nervous, i think that maybe bill is walking up the hill towards me! i try to turn away, but i smile and wait for them to pass me, anyways! i hug amir and logan and we chat for a few minutes - we discuss my canvassing movie idea and they both like it! they're working with two new girls who are very young and cute. the boys are ready to leave, and the girls ask: "did you work together?". i say yes. they ask: "did you work as a canvasser?". i say yes. i know it's strange, but i did!

6. a semi-odd/weird man named cali strikes up a conversation with me on the bus - i was channeling and a bit preoccupied! i talk with him anyways. he compliments my friends and how nice they were. he says other nice stuff - he just came from a meditation class and is high as a kite, i can tell! i think about the wonderful and complex men that i met this summer, all enviornmentalists and super space alien smart. i think about what an outsider i was to them and inspite of it, how nice the were to me and how accepting they were of my crazy/zany movie lovin' ways. i somehow fit in, without trying. cali makes a few predictions about my life, and he is right about all of them.

7. "risky business" - please watch this film, the whole movie was such a crap shoot, think about it. it wasn't the typical 80's film. ALL the shots were perfect, not just some, but all of them - and the chemistry between demornay and cruise was off the chain. this was tom at his best, when he was still covered in trailer park stank and abandonment. the love/passionate scenes, watching him come into his manhood - demornay's shoe collection! it was all worth it!

8. when things come together on this plane, it really works!

9. my nails are green.

10. i am searching and reaching and doing lot's of stuff that i wasn't sure i'd ever do - some of it i couldn't have imagined, some of it i really wanted to do and put on hold, some of it i wasn't so sure about it, but did anyways. most of it is stuff that people told me i couldn't do, and some of it is still stuff that people look at me sideways about. i just go.

11. i love you & i hear cherry bombs going off outside!

12. this one is for you!

enjoy your week - it's almost over already? how did this happen?

your friend - christyX