I'm phasing out my microwave. No, not the one I use when I'm sitting on a float and wearing a tiara during a parade--as I do so very, very often these days--and I don't want to wear out my arm. The appliance, in the kitchen. How did I even end up with one? I can't remember. I didn't have one when my kids were little. I couldn't afford to buy one. But then, somewhere along the line, I think I lived in a house where there was one installed over the stove, and I got used to using it, and I figured out how to score a free one off CL or free-cycle or whatnot. They are handy for single moms.
I know that you think I am stupid and frivolous and somewhat less than human
because I am a girl.
But, really, who made me a girl?
That would be you.
So, fuck off.
My whole life, people have talked about me being angry. I do have moments of anger, and sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, as the saying goes, but, overall, I feel more heartbroken than angry....
When I was a kid growing up in the armpit of the universe, Greeley, Colorado--well, not maybe the armpit of the universe, that's a Vonnegut term, but definitely the exact opposite of Hawai'i:
--during the summer, on Fridays at noon, in an open-air mall, which was really two streets that got blocked to traffic, set with pavers and dotted with obtrusive landscaping and water fountains--
I woke up this morning to one kid and two cats on my bed with me. My bladder woke me up, as usual, but rather than letting that determine my morning, rather than luxuriating in anxiety, as usual, rather than rushing the cat out the door before he pees in the kitchen, or starting brekkie, I used the bathroom, and came back to bed and enjoyed the company. Cat purring, kid snoring, I started to read a Sherlock Holmes book that I downloaded on to my new, bells and whistles fancy-pants sm*rt phone.
I have lost count of how many therapists I have seen and fired over the years. By stark contrast, I have only had 4 auto mechanics. I've been going to the same one for 8 years, and one of the others I'd go to again, except that this current guy specializes in Hondas and bio-diesel cars.
This might be the theme music.
And she is not talking to me. Not a peep for two months. :(
1. About eating, being hungry, being "fat" or any of that shit.
2. About sitting around and watching TV with my kid.
3. About letting the weeds grow in my yard.
4. About not returning phone calls.
5. About needing quiet space and time.
6. About having lees than perfect technique on the violin.
7. About not saving the world.
8. About being sensitive--physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.
9. About telling my parents to fuck off.
10. About not believing in god.
Or, rather, this morning. Heard my "you have a text" noise while it was happening. Woke up later to find that my housemate texted me b/c he's serving crab for dinner and invited me. I hope the text and the dream are not related.