shadeshaman's blog

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woke up feeling guilty

Guilty that my dog died, guilty about all my unpaid bills, guilty that my kid and my boyfriend are both sick and I can't do anything to make them better, guilty that my kid is going to fail her math class, which will ruin her GPA, which means that, if she's going to go to college, she will have to work or something, and there's nothing I can do about that (except, possibly, sign her up for Calc. at the Junior College over the summer, and, with the help of her tutor, maybe she will pass the class and then maybe we can petition the high school to have her grade changed...sigh).

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one week later

Sigh. Life is getting a little bit easier. I'm not breaking down and crying while driving on the highway, so that's good. I went to the Berkeley pound last week, just to look at dogs, not necessarily to get one. The dogs there were just, you know, dogs. Not MY dog. :( However, I did pick up paperwork on becoming a volunteer dog walker. I thought that might be a nice way to get some dog energy, and help out, and not have to make a commitment to any particular dog, until I'm ready, if that ever happens.

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numb inside

and sometimes so overwhelmed with sadness that I have to stop what I am doing and cry. My house is so quiet now. The floor and the carpets are staying clean. I can walk down the hall unimpeded. I don't have to get up and open the back door ten thousand times a day. The main focus of the furniture in my living room is no longer a giant dog bed. Sometimes I hold still and try not to breathe so maybe I can slow time down a little and not move away so quickly from my dog. A friend of mine, a grief counselor, recommended that we make some kind of memorial for him, have a formal goodbye.

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RIP Soly Boly Oly

My dog died on Monday. He was an 85lb. pitbull mix. He was 12 (that's an extra-long lifespan for such a large dog). He got sick about 3 weeks ago, and I knew it was serious. I also knew it would be expensive, so T-Dizzle and I had a family meeting and decided the best thing to do was to give him pain meds and love him and prepare for him to go. He had a bad night on Friday--T and I had planned to go out for the "First Friday" art openings, but decided to stay in with him.

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Think locally, act locally

This recent CIA murder got me to thinking, or kinda not thinking, as usual. During the "boom" years of the 80's, my family was getting gov't cheese. During the dot-com "boom", I was on welfare. In this time of "war", I still go on about my daily life. (Blondy recently purchased an old newspaper "War is Over"--1945, and what was really interesting were the want ads in the back. In the midst of war, people were still renting apartments and selling used cars and going to the movies.), and in "this bad economy", I'm cleaning houses the same as I was 8 years ago.


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