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So my 12 year older than me "casual sex" man - after yoga, just now- well- I had been invited after said yoga (and then bowling with his friends) to his house- I was talking with his traveling guest- he got suspicious and angry as per usual when he's drank too much he had me sleeping in bed while his friend slept on his couch after throwing a fit at 3 am (he showed us LOADS of old traveling pic- enough to make an ex smoker smoke a cig- like I did with the guy who is staying with him) after trying to unsuccessfully put it in me for an hour (after getting scarily angry that I wasn't asleep in his bed within 5 minutes like he demanded after showing his traveling pics) one hour later after I had been protesting for an hour, quietly- "I'm too tired" he flipped the fuck out on me- got up- turned on all of the lights and started playing porn in is bedroom loudly and came up to me on the bed gritting his teeth and telling me about what a man needs. He who had just been telling me at 3 am that a man needs sleep and bullying me in front of his guest.

I picked up my stuff as speedily as possible while he was fuming around like a dickhead, half dressed and his traveling friend was clearly awake on the couch, awkwardly, ready to scream rape I hope- while I hastily dressed, drove myself home like a bat out of hell and now I am here.

Safe. In the home I am about to move out of because I have psycho neighbors.
What a fucking world. EH????

I'm finally free of the bastard. The man who dated me right before my son's father did, the one who ended it by telling me that he didn't know my eye color after two years of "dating" and didn't know my age, let alone my birthday- he told me that he knew the back of my head better than he knew my eye color- and that is when I left him- only to meet my son's father ONE week later. Fuck DR. To fucking hell.

But I am safe now. In my bed. One more metaphorical door is permanently shut tonight.

I'm so glad that I made it home.

Really. HELL. He practically tried to rape me tonight. Scared me. I normally acquiesce- tonight, I didn't because I felt weird about it- then I saw how he really felt. I HATE HIM.

He will NEVER touch me again.

so instead of just mostly lurking around these parts as i have been up to now, i plan to be blergin' it up a fair bit! today is an exciting day to me because the husband part just told me last night that he's ready.

just a *tiny* mention (in the spirit of tiny things that seems to be taking over).
i was voted dispatcher of the year for 2009 by my co-workers for my agency.
(toot).
ok.
that's all.

in the spirit of the tiny rant:

um, eighTEEEN inches of snow is coming tomorrow. every time it snows and i walk to work in my doc gibsons i think, well it HAS to be the last storm of the season. i mean, how many times can we get hit? i look at the long term forecast and see the warming trend and think aahhhh ..... spring is coming... surely this last time was the last time this season.

don't get me wrong. i love hot chocolate. and pancakes. and my kid getting so excited about a day off from school that she takes video of the snow falling. sled riding. and old houses with radiant heat and the cool smell that gives off. i am not a fan, however, of falling on my ass on icy sidewalks, landing with my metal water bottle jabbing into my back, breaking my lunch container, heating up the car to drive the kid to school, taking the dog for a shit in 15 degree weather, salt in my shoes, sludgy dirt tracked into the house, getting no sunlight, businesses closing, runs on bread and milk like it's goddamn 1940 and snowfall means a halt to the fucking food supply, having to work even when my kid is home, shoveling, having to wear like 7 layers of clothes to tolerate being outside.

i do love winter, but i am sick of this shit. i want a day off to sit home and enjoy it, not have to bust my ass to get through it. pfft.

Provided I can find childcare, of course.....assuming that I can figure out an overnighter for my kid-
Last year I was Indiana Jones. Great costume, not a good night. Had some ridiculous situations happening with a jealous person who was freaking out- although our thing was brief and I made it clear that I was not into getting in a "relationship", it was nuts. Really disturbing- I felt harassed- was alternated rubbed up on and insulted- ended up hanging out with a flamingly gay guy acquaintance in an attempt to disengage myself from harassment- he promised that we were in it for the long haul, would hang out after the ball with friends- THEN- get this- he had an attraction to me as Indiana Jones as a gay male (!!!) and freaked out because he had a moment of questioning his sexuality- really- and I didn't knowingly do anything to provoke that and wasn't attracted to him- maybe it was the alcohol, he was drinking a bit- but it was intense for a moment- he dramatically grabbed my face- said goodbye and rushed out the door to an afterparty in his cape (he was Zorro). IT SUCKED. Completely sober, I walked home alone at 3am, cursing my sexuality- feeling like an alien being who couldn't handle the gay scene. As a pansexual http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality (I suppose this is a better way of saying "bi"- people are people to me) person, it gets weird.

SO- this year, NO DRAMA- I'm doing my best to get it in writing that my friend R won't take off on her own quest for the evening like she did last time-

I need to pick a costume- I did a pretty successful Charlie Chaplin this past Halloween- however, I think that Indy had sexier potential. I'm not looking to hook up- but it would be sweet to have a great drag costume- it's the whole fun of going- I dig mustaches as well- I can really rock the stache.

Any suggestions????

I want to be psyched about this. I am kind of freaked out after last year. I just want things to be simple. I like simple things. SIMPLE!

I made more money last year. I thought I might grab that tax credit, beg borrow and steal to come up with a down payment, and buy a house. But doing my taxes now it looks like most of the extra money I earned is going right back to the govt. I'm having a poor me moment of 'what's the point?' I wouldve been better off to work less, have more time with my kids, and get the eic. Sorry to rant, but goddammit.

So, recently, in the past few months as I have recuperated from all. of. the. drama. from. last. year, I've been doing fix-up projects in my house. I painted my kitchen aqua with putty trim, I painted the trim in my dining room (which is half the room) robin's egg blue, I hung creamy yellow roman shades with a large terra-cotta and metallic gold architectural motif in my buckskin-painted living room, I hung chocolate-brown, lined panels in my dining room, I hung turquoise sheers in my pink bedroom (with tangerine sheets), I've hung white, light filtering roller shades in my kitchen. I've changed out knobs on drawers, shower curtains, bathmats; I've framed pictures that needed framing; I've hooked up my record player; I've cleaned everything, including shampooing my carpets. It's been some fierce nesting that I've been doing.
I had a party at my house on Saturday night, and my party-goers helped with the clean-up (that was nice!), and I did the rest--dishes in the dishwasher, table cleared, food in the fridge. (I even cleaned my bathroom before the party. You'd think a housecleaner would clean the bathroom more often than I do. I keep up with the fixtures, but the floor can get a little pet-furry.) My kids were gone most of the day yesterday, and I was sick with the cold that I still have today. I watched TV and knitted, and every once in a while, I'd walk the length of the house to the kitchen to make some tea or whatnot, and I'd admire how nice it looks, but, that's it. A little boring, now that it's all done. Part of me thinks that I should be rejoicing in all my accomplishments.
But this other part of me is like, now what? I needed to get all this done, it's true. But now that I'm not going to be stressing and fussing about these projects, what am I to do with myself?
Of course, I know the answer. Fixing up my house was a reflection of fixing up myself, my insides. And my internal work is more or less at the same place as my home improvement. So, now I need to go out and socialize. My house will still be beautiful and awesome when I come home.
What form will the socializing take? I don't know yet.

Tiny rant:
I have a cold but I still have to work. Blech.

Miraculously AND metaphorically speaking.

'Night ladies!

So busy, it's hard to catch my breath. Here are my -ings.

1. Family: Teaching my eldest to read and write in two languages, teaching him basic maths, preparing him for 1st grade that starts April; chasing my energetic middle child, keeping him entertained so I can do homework/housework, teaching him his alphabet and how to use the toilet; watching my baby grow too quickly, being charmed by her laughs; helping my husband become who he wants to be

2. Profession: trying to stay up to date with my homework for grad school, trying to be engaged and interested, trying to remember my goals

3. Dreams: daydreaming without production, feeling creatively impotent

4. Moving: trying to wrap my head around our too soon move to a giant city, trying to budget and pack, looking at google earth too much

5. Body: exercising intensively and daily; eating cheap crap and good vegetables; watching my figure return as I remember it

My local Hip Mama playgroup is not so Hip Mama like anymore.

Bummer.

Hi all,

I need to go to an autism/lyme medical conference in April to learn about treatments to help my son recover. I am also incredibly broke from paying for our medical treatments while laid off for the last year. If anyone has a couch or floor to crash on near Indian wells CA for four days, I would much appreciate it. It will only be me as I can't afford airfare for my son as well. I am happy to clean your bathroom, rake your leaves, do your laundry, buy you groceries, whatever in exchange for a couch to crash on. I will be at the conference most of the 4 days. Thanks mamas.

an update about what I've been up to:

School: so I started in January at Cleveland State University. you might recall my original plan was to return to school to get an advanced degree in physics so I could teach college level and do research, but then I started substitute teaching and fell in love with teaching kids! I know, right? Who would have thought. I especially love teaching math grades 7-12, probably because math is one of my favorite subjects. So I'm now in a post-bacc program to get my teaching license for 7-12 math, then a Master's. They do have a master's program for math where you get a master's degree along with your initial license, but I didn't have enough of the math pre-requisites. In the time it takes to get those, I can also take my licensure classes so that's what I'm doing. Then I'll continue doing the Master's program at night.

This semester I am taking 3 classes; two education classes and one math class. School is challenging but I am handling it. Mercury Man is helping a lot, and he saved most of his books so this semester I didn't have to buy any books! because I use his books for my education classes and my calculus class, the book lessons are online. Over summer I am also taking 3 classes, then in the fall it'll be 5. after that the most I'll take is 2-3 classes until I'm done in '12. Best of all, because no one wants to be a math teacher anymore apparently they are throwing money at anyone who does!! and who promises to teach in the hood for a while. I already sub for an inner city school system and plan to get a permanent teaching job with them when I get my certification anyway. In the fall I'll get a scholarship, which will help a lot!

Subbing: Ok so I LOVE teaching. I really like it and it does not seem like work when the kids are engaged and learning. I like the older kids, the grades 6-8 and then the high schoolers. I always thought before I actually started doing this that I would prefer teaching little ones, like k-3, but I don't. That age group...ugh. They cry a lot and they whine, and they are always touching me/my hair, that age group needs a lot of attention. The older kids need attention too but they are more independent.

It is challenging subbing in the hood but I don't treat them any different than I do my own kids, and I have the same high expectations of them as I do my own kids. and they respond to that too. I have had seasoned teachers ask me how I get results out of kids they had written off and it's because I don't expect them to fail. I recognize their intelligence and expect them to learn, to do their work, and act like they have some sense in the classroom. and they do.

plus I can be fun sometimes. I am a stern teacher but also goofy and the kids in the schools I regularly sub for have learned that if they get me laughing I have a hard time stopping. I rarely let them set me off but once or twice a month we might have a good laugh fest. You'd be surprised at how much this helped me with classroom management, it's like once the kids saw I was 'human' they could deal with the times I had to put the hammer on them LOL.

putting the hammer down = smashing rowdy behavior flat, nipping it in the bud. I do not play. I sometimes hear the kids saying that in the hall: Mrs BL does not play! I think they respect that and it helps a great deal in classroom management because they know it is time to learn. time to settle in and do their work.

Sleep: I have been sleeping so well lately. In part due to the medication I am on but also due to my getting back into an exercise schedule (I am training for a half-marathon in May) and eating regularly again, especially breakfast. Sleep is one of the loveliest things in the world. aaaaaaaaaaaah.

Surprises: I filed the paperwork for my name change last month and go stand before the judge next month. In a month it will be official, my new name. I'm excited about it, real excited. this is something I have been thinking about for a few years and finally, I did it. They make you wait a while before it's official, which is kind of like WTF but whatever, I understand it's not a rash decision. They gave me a list of places I might want to contact about the name change which is very helpful because some places I didn't think of yet.

More: Almost done packing up the bookstore at the old location, just have a few pieces of furniture to pick up. I have a lot of the stuff at my house, just piles and piles of books:

The new location is nice in that it is close to home. I only have to pay partial rent on it until we re-open, which is nice. I'm planning a Spring opening in April, here's a little tease of my now empty front window:

More: Winter is going ok. A combination of therapy and meds has me feeling for the first time in my adult life, fully happy and un-depressed in winter. I have PTSD and it took a lot of therapy for me to connect that a lot of the traumatic things that happened to me in childhood and as a young adult happened in winter and that is a big part of why I hated winter so. I don't love winter now or anything just yet, but it is bearable. and I am actually able to see the beauty in it:

More: I am no longer a vegetarian! This is a huge event in my life because I became one at 14 and just started eating meat again last year around Thanksgiving time. It just felt right to me, in the same way not eating meat felt right to me. So far I like mostly birds and seafood but lately also have gotten into pork:

though I still make and eat lots and lots of vegetarian meals! as Scott is still a vegetarian and Todd is mostly. here's some falafel Mercury Man made:

More: My kids are awesome. The boys are getting just HUGE, Scott put his hand over my face the other day horsing around and his hand covered my entire face LOL. Todd is gaining on me height-wise and he's only 12!! Soon I will be the shortest person in the house. Both are doing well in school and very much into their activities. Iyende is going into her 2nd year living in her own apartment, she is an amazing young lady and I so proud of her. She goes back to school in the summer and will be going to CSU with me, that will be so fun! When I was first at CSU I used ot bring her to school with me often so it will be neat to be with her there now that she's a student too.

More: Planning our Renewal Vows! We're finally going to do it this year in June. This is our 11th year married, 14th year being together, and 16th year knowing each other. Sometimes it feel like forever that Mercury Man has been in my life, sometimes it feels like we just met last week. I love this man so, and he loves me so. Plus he's so cute

We are going to have a short and simple ceremony at one of the beaches right by Lake Erie, then on to the reception and party where we will dance the night away. Then we're going to Montreal for our honeymoon, which is exciting because we never had a honeymoon, on our wedding day we just went to the courthouse and then both went to work!! I've been to Montreal before and it is a lovely city, Mercury Man has never been but he is eager to see it. Both learning french now so we aren't too inept at communicating when we get there.

I am in a good place in my life. I am happy, and content.

let's do this ladies! in style, of course!

1. the brightest sunshine possible, just for you!

2. richard/rick/rich? i call him rick. so my gut instincts led me to send a quick note to him, i wanted to apologize for being so abrupt, and i touched on how i felt and what my week was like. i only wanted to say that i liked him and it was, what it was. while i was hopeful that we could at least be friendly/friends, i wasn't expecting too much.

3. he replied and was cool about it - he hadn't meant to "toy with me", and i secretly knew this. he likes me too and felt bad about it. he also forced my guts open, and touched on putting people getting hurt/putting walls up, etc. man, this guy isn't about to let me off the hook easy!

4. so replied back and spilled the beans, when he said that he was a "good man" i had no idea how to reply to that! and when he took notice in me "trusting him" i admitted that it made me nervous and scared.

5. where is all this coming from?

6. so he calls me twice and i call him back, the chat was divine. do you remember when sharene told me almost a year ago that i needed to meet a man who went to david deida seminars? or was open to practicing david's techniques in relationships? we discussed alot of cool stuff tonight: relationship issues, men and women, the masculine and feminine, kids, what we both want, my career, his career, how i felt, he he felt, etc. and then he says: "what you're talking about, is making me think about a book i'm reading". who do you think the author was?!! i freaked out, and he said: "why are you freaking out? why are you laughing?". i couldn't answer him truthfully.

7. we'll meet on a hot friday date on the 19th, this is the soonest that our schedules will allow, he was upset by this, but i was secretly pleased. i want to get to know this man, take my time, you know?

8. he's ready to jump in, i can feel it.

9. i admitted to my "shank house" ways, and the lady dick, the whole shebang. i told him that when i get fearful, i lash out and i'm doing my best to change this.

10. my buttons were pushed so bad this week, once by him when he didn't call - *i had mistakenly thought that he wasn't going to, when in fact he was planning on it!*, the other time was yesterday and my head is still spinning from it! i walked out of my final cut pro class after being so fed up and feeling like a total failure. i had emailed the teacher two weeks ago telling her that i was in trouble, then i spoke to her in person last week. this week, i went to turn in my homework and caught some attitude from the second year student who is constantly helping me in class. i got up several times to cry and fought back tears in my seat. when i told the instructor i felt like walking out, she literally positioned her body to try to stop me in my chair! that part was at least funny!

*disclaimer* i had initially been really excited to learn this software, until i found out that it was hard for me!

11. sharene told me two years ago that when i feel the urge to walk out, to force myself to stay. i did pretty well i thought, i made it until the last hour and then bailed. i went home and cried and took a nap, and went to work.

12. today the guys and i cranked out the final cut of my film and it's genius - i love my crew very much! we created an awesome play list and mike and byn are putting on the finishes touches to the film tomorrow night, we debut it on tuesday.

13. i questioned whether or not i should stay in the program because of this one class. years ago i made the decision that i was never good/incapable of learning math, science or computers and now i'm forced to make another choice. i can go to school at the northwest film forum, i can make other choices which would allow me more freedom in terms of classes. i don't need to learn final cut, i can pay people to do this for me when the time comes. BUT, i'll be a better filmmaker with this tool under my belt. i need a smaller class, like 4 people, not 25.

i also don't want my GPA to drop as a result of this class, i'm working towards A's and once class can tip the scales for me. i need to figure this out. i'm applying to several scholarships and i need to keep my GPA up. thank you for reading this, i appreciate your support!

love - Christy NC-17!

Here goes. I have been a widow for 15 days but I'm going to try to write my ten grats for today and see how I go.

1. Two beautiful, precious, loving children.

2. A roof over my head.

3. Enough food to eat.

4. Wonderful supportive family and friends. This in itself covers many more than ten individual grats but I want to stretch myself a little here.

5. My health is holding up pretty well.

6. I have a job to go back to, whenever I'm ready.

7. I don't have to worry about money for the next few weeks.

8. Lots of professional support, Australia has free health care, and everyone is going out of their way to help.

9. My son is happy at school, and they are also being very supportive.

10. This was much easier than I thought.

the upstairs neighbors, students, are having a party. their guests are drinking and woo-ing to kid rock.

in case you needed reasons to be glad not to be me right now.

i'm consoling myself with vodka, cannibal corpse videos and the knowledge that i don't have to work in the morning. tomorrow i will make my daughter pancakes for salvaging her grades so that she got no less than a B on her report card, and stay indoors and watch the snow fall over hot chocolate and home made lady baltimore cake.

the best being the cannibal corpse videos... why didn't anyone tell me about them sooner?

oh and wish me luck... i think i MAY have scored a good gig at an art gallery. it'd be only a few hours a week but so worth it! i'll know in a week or so.

I haven't posted in a while, so I figure it might as well be about something good:

1. It's Friday, it's raining, and I haven't had to leave the house all day.
2. I love my kid's school. Love the other parents and the friends he is making.
3. My little shit has this hilarious bowl haircut and now it makes his bratty toddlerness hysterically funny.
4. My meds for my gut are finally working, and I'm not bloated/nauseous/fatigued for the first time in almost two years.
5. I am grateful for the family and friends I love who are in my life.
6. I am grateful that the people who have been making me miserable recently are not in my life anymore.
7. I got paid just in time today to ship off most of my bills.
8. DH and I are getting along better.
9. My bedroom is clean, and I can go in there and pretend the rest of the house looks nice.
10. Homemade pizza for dinner and a pint of sorbet in the freezer.

For a Worker's Rights Organization!!!!!

I have posters, etc. to design for a May rally/anniversary!

EEEKKKKKKK!!!!!!

OK. Not going to get TOO excited here. Just moderately excited. Eek.
(It's going to be alot of work- but real world experience + internship......well- in a perfect world, everyone wins. And it's doing something I believe in! They help unions all over the state! And it was hinted that I could help with some political stuff come next election, although I'm going to keep that on the dl for now.)

Is this what positive challenge/stress feels like?

IS THIS EMPOWERMENT???

1. Viola
2. S-- who was my stand partner in the violin II section, and now has to find someone else while I play viola. She is also a metalhead. We had tea and donuts after rehearsal tonight. She's nice.
3. The new color of paint on 3/4 of the trim in my dining room. Hopefully, soon it will be on 4/4 of it! It's like a Tiffany blue or robin's egg blue.
4. Knitting on 4 double-pointed needles. It's challenging, but when I do it, I feel a connection to all my knittersisters throughout the ages.
5. My beater car. Over 300,000 miles and it's still going.
6. Not being an alcoholic or drug addict.
7. Hot and cold running water coming out of the sink faucet in my bathroom. Had a broken hot water faucet for a year, I think, and the landlord finally got a plumber over here for a bunch of leaks, and this guy convinced the landlord to spring for a mixer faucet with a handle. It's kinda ugly--modern--in an old house, but, the luxury of washing my face with warm water just cannot be beat.
8. My pets who just adore me, if in a generally underfoot and annoying sort of way.
9. ebay for some things. Vacuum bags for my Miele. 5/8" ear grommets, the face cream I like, etc.
10. Food for nourishing me.

1. my kind of hope!

the positive? there are all different kinds of hope, the shiny and sparkly kinds make me smile!

2. so film school, the new AD (assistant director position) is hardcore, physically challenging, fast and fun!! meetings every tuesday and thursday, and as the AD i manage the daily work load, for the class! i met with the director one and one and broke down the drills that we'll begin to use in order to prep everyone *25* folks when the time comes to shoot this short film!

i handle the call sheets, and i'm the backbone of the project. i'm temporarily overwhelmed at times, but i move quickly and do what needs to be done! and what i'm told to do!

i'm realizing that this is what a hollywood set is like times 100,000. this is serious, this is what i've asked for.

last week, i finally felt grounded, and i'm talking two feet and a bill cosby sweater kind of "grounded". it took me a while, don't you think. i'm still enjoying the learning process and taking my time, i think!

the positive: i'm getting the best education possible, and i'm asking for more help. i've begun the application process to scholarships, one down and 20 more to go! i'll get what i ask for.

3. the man - the men, the whatever it is. i've extended my heart and soul out to plentyofish.com. this seems to be the hot spot. i am feeling the pinch, ladies. it's challenging for me. i don't like to rely on me, and it's flaring up big time. i don't like to trust them. but i need to. i met a nice man on line who only wanted to text, so i ditched him, like in 24 hours! i do this, and i look at other women and i wonder why what comes so naturally for most, is such a temporary struggle for me. i cry, and i try again.

the positive? i hate to say this out loud, but i'm learning as i go and the best part is that my radar is up. i can tell a good one from a bad one finally.

4. skye texted me last week and asked me how i was doing, and i asked him the same. he is staying with friends mostly and staying in his car when he can't get to a friends house. he's job and house searching and in the process of walking home from downtown seattle after work, i had the itch to call him. he admitted to me on the phone that harmoney did get an abortion 2-3 weeks prior. i had smelled a rat a few weeks back when she broke up with him, and even sharene commented on how secretive she was in the process, most likely fudging her due date. i also clocked that if the baby was his, no way would she have aborted it, period. she didn't want him there, etc. it was mind boggling that she had waited so long, no matter how long she was, she skated a fine line at nearly 18 weeks!

the positive: when my psychic radar is up, it's never wrong, and the bottom line on this one was that FINALLY someone was thinking of the baby. don't believe people when they're dumb and they lie, just don't. even if it makes you look bad or feel bad. really.

5. it took about a week for it to sink in my brain, because i would have never thought that she would have gone through it. i'm glad that she and her mother woke up in time. i personally believe the rumors that got back to skye a few weeks ago - that she had cheated on him at least once with another guy.

the positive: i broke it down to him to never let this happen again, even if she says that she's on the pill *like she did before!*. i hope he's learned his lesson. they are still together, for now.

6. i am heading to the gym tonight to unwind and detox and sweat and move my muscles.

7. i have some homework to finish up tomorrow morning.

8. i'm manifesting some cool stuff this week. a monster size tax return - $10,000, a nice pair of high heels, a nice tasty hunky man date and raking in $5,000 a night at the paramount fund rasier. just do it!

9. my film turned out amazing, my instructor still doesn't quite get it. my other teammates are proud, and even if they diss some parts, i'm holding out strong. i know good work and i know what it takes to put a kick ass sold film together. i stand by my work.

10. i'm creating a real life for myself and even when i'm physically exhausted, i move forward and ask for more!

11. i got a nice foodstamp bump up that i needed.

12. my mom comes out to see us in less than two weeks! this will be our first time together in 12 years, and her first time meeting mars! all three of us are so excited! she arrives on the 13th and leaves the 16th, i'll take a day off from school to make sure that she gets to the airport safely on her way back. the other days will be spent with her taking care of mars and getting some precious time with her, between work and school. i love her dearly and i will make it fun for her!

13. the cars just might be the best band ever!

yours - christyX

My boy was student of the month. Last year I was called in once a week to tell me that my parenting was sub-par, that my boy was not going ot make it in kindergarten if I didn't get him in line behaviorally. Exhausted, sick, almost to tired to care, I pursued the medical side of things and did my best with the day to day behvioral, emotional issues. And I put one foot in front of the other...and lo and behold. His teachers this year tell me nothing but good things. He tries so hard, he's so well-behaved, HE'S SO KIND. The outside world is now recognizing the boy I saw all along.

10 things I am grateful for today!
-Garlic butter and anchovies smooshed in to a jacket potatoe
-Lost; it starts in the UK tomorrow, no spoilers please people! I got my popcorn and chips.
-MIT open course ware, you need to know about RNA? how's about the boss of the human genome project teaches you all about it, what a man. Eric Lander is totally hot! Also he has some great stuff on MIT world too.
- Cell culture, I grew some cancer cells in a little dish today and extracted their RNA, then I am going to make a complementary strand of DNA out of my RNA and mix it up with the a sequence of nucleotides that codes for the RNA I am looking for. I love RNA, RNA was the first self-replicating i.e. one definition of "living" molecule. Basically a chemical compond came alive and do you know origin of life scientists have artificially created this in a lab! A self -replicating molecule!
- My aunt always there on the phone making me laugh
-My kid, it has been challenging, two emotional meltdowns over 2 days, bad behaviour like I have never known, tantrums! I spelled it out today, its not happening. You have to express stuff in a reasonable way not let bad temper escalate and get mouthy, cheekiness is ok but its been outrageous. I am on your side baby believe it! Privileges have been suspended in a loving way as a learning aid. We are in this together poochy I am not the enemy, infact there is no enemy!
- washing machines
- water
-my hair, its looking good also I gotta nice little wrinkle under my right eye, just a tiny feathery line. I like it! When my face is expressionless is it as smooth as a baby's bum and then when I laugh this little tiddler and a few others pop up, Its like having two faces and they're both cute!
- my friends pulled together for me this week I got bought one meal and made another. I apreciate this stuff.
I hope everyone is well and making their dreams come true, sometimes just making it to the end of the day is the dream. Thank you so much for all that you guys have brought to my life.
Love
meds

So, I'll get around to posting some more of the Story on the New Girl eventually. It's something I have to be in the right mood to write about. Sometimes I just don't feel like remembering to write about it. It's something I need to do though. I think it would be some good self therapy.

So it was my husband's funeral yesterday, and there was an enormous turnout, despite the fact that he always claimed he didn't really have any friends. The service was beautiful, his surfboard lay on top of his coffin, and during the laying of rosemary my best friend instead laid red chillies, which he would really have appreciated. His brother and sisters wrote a funny and moving eulogy about his nine lives (I think he probably had more than that), his Dad spoke about his childhood, the celebrant spoke on my behalf about the husband and father that he was. I sat up front with our two beautiful boys, the youngest entertained himself by climbing up and down from his seat, and our very wise and comprehending five year old listened and held it together until he laid his rosemary, then every heart in the place broke as he had a total meltdown on my lap, crying and screaming that he wanted his daddy back. Afterwards there was a procession of people coming up and offering their condolences - I still don't know who some of them were. This morning I opened some more sympathy cards, and was blown away by an anonymous pretty large donation to me and the boys. My house is full of flowers, cards, food and love.
We held a wake back at "my" place, and his friends and eldest son drank the last of his homebrew. I got totally fucking smashed, and have that awful feeling you get after an emotional and drunken night that I probably said some really strange and over the top things to people, who could do no more than feel sorry for me and hope I wouldn't remember it in the morning. I finally lost it, the neighbors who heard me running naked and screaming in the street for help on the night he died once again had to listen to me screaming and crying out his name. Thank God the kids slept through it, again.
So where to from here? I really have no idea. One foot in front of the other, hang in there for the kids, a day at a time, don't give up hope. I can't imagine what the future holds for us, or how my beautiful boys are going to cope without their precious daddy, only that one way or another we'll get through this together.
We'll do it for him.